Eve's Mama's Rambling

Hello February!

2009-02-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

wow, so...almost as soon as I let it be known that I wanted to blog more regularly, I stopped almost entirely!

Oh well. We've had lots going on, but not that much worth reporting.

However, I did co-write the current story-line on Tom's comic. And trust me, anything over the top is probably not my stuff.

anyway, if you are so inclined, you can read the first comic in the story by clicking here.

or just go visit The Legendary Boys Of Floyd and read today's comic.

Let's try Gratituesday...

2009-01-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'll be honest, Gratituesday--the word--kinda makes me giggle, it's so silly. But, I made a secret plan to start blogging more regularly this month, and maybe this year (surprise!!) we'll see how it goes. and Gratituesday as an idea is appealing to me.

Gratituesday is hosted by Heavenlyhomemakers, where you can find not only Laura's post on what she's grateful for, but a whole list of other grateful bloggers too! And not just today, but *every* Tuesday.

This Tuesday, I'm grateful for relative good health. I know, that sounds tepid. Quite honestly, between Tom's injury and my food issues, I can't say we're in perfect health. However, we have no acute illnesses, and after Eve's bout with the tummy flu over a week ago, that's really saying something!

God's been good to us in keeping us all from back to back illness, and so far this season, our ailments have been mild, few, and far between. This enabled many more blessings to be grateful for, since we haven't had to miss many gatherings of good friends or family, and I haven't had to miss work.

What are you grateful for today? If you decide to join in on Gratituesday over at Heavenly Homemakers let me know by leaving a comment here. I'd love to hear how you're experiencing God's goodness today!

New Years Resolutions?

2009-01-05T14:48:00.001-08:00

Do you make New Years Resolutions? Do you keep them?

For some time now I've eschewed resolving in January. Not so much because I don't like the idea of committing to make positive changes in my life, but more because I don't like to set myself up for failure. And January 1st always comes too early.

Here are my hopeful plans, to begin sometime this Winter:

1. Go back on my allergy diet. As much as I didn't love it, it really did make me much more healthy. I felt a lot better. Plus, eventually I have to stay on it long enough and faithfully enough to maybe pinpoint exactly which things I'm allergic to, instead of simply 10 things I'm not.

2. Enjoy my kids more. I don't know how much more there is to say. I find myself feeling resentful that my kids horn in on my "me" time: time to spend with my husband, time to spend on the Internet, time to read, write, craft, etc. I put them off a lot to keep house and cook too. But Eve's only going to be 4 for 10 more months, and Israel is growing and changing and becoming someone new every day. I don't want to miss this. It's precious and fleeting. It's a gift I don't want to squander on selfish pursuits. Not long from now, my little girl is not going to think I'm the coolest person ever, I won't be the center of her little world. For the time that I am, I want to enjoy it.

to make #1 and #2 work together, I may have to learn new strategies for food prep. I can't be spending all my time cooking the way I was this Summer and early Autumn. But quick things like quesadillas and spaghetti are definitely not in line with the sort of diet I need to be on.

3. I say this every year, and in fact, renew my intentions frequently throughout each year, but I'll repeat it, because it really is important, the MOST important, in fact. I want my life to be subject to God's will for me. This means spending more time praying, more time studying the bible, more time contemplating spiritual matters, more love and compassion for others, more grace and mercy, more service, more giving, less selfishness and self-absorption, a great deal less anger (especially toward my kids and husband), more God-glorifying and a lot less self-aggrandizement. Always challenging, always worth it.

4. Get more sleep and help the rest of my family get more sleep too. I'm not really sure how to accomplish this yet.

5. Finally, I intend to begin my handmade Christmas gifts for next year long before November, because I'd really like to relax a bit more during Advent, and not make my kids watch quite so much TV in December. Plus, last year I sacrificed crafting for my husband and kids in favor of crafting for friends, this year I mostly sacrificed crafting for friends in favor of crafting for my family. I'd like to manage to craft for both groups next time around.

Embroidery

2009-01-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

I finished a few embroidery pieces before I really had to dive into Christmas gifts. The first 2 items are Sublime Stitching designs from the Sublime Stitching the book.

This last onesie is embroidered with a free design from Needlecrafter.

We're running out of Christmas days! Happy 11th day of Christmas!

T-shirt bags

2009-01-04T09:17:00.000-08:00

These were simple and fun to make. I dove into my giant stash of old t-shirts and whipped these out fairly quick. The idea is from the bookTease.

A few quick sewn gifts for friends

2009-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

In trying to come up with some sewn gifts for men and older boys, I hit upon the idea of luggage tags. Of course, they only work for the traveling types, but they were so quick and easy, I made one for thee two gals in the family as well. They don't allow for any info, but they'll make finding your bag at the airport pretty simple. Just made up my own pattern.

These ornaments were just the thing for families I was also giving sweet treats to. They looked great tied atop a tin of goodies, and they incorporated buttons and felted sweater scraps from my stash. I deviated from the great pattern provided by Disdressed by not using regular felt, which would have resulted in a cleaner finish, but then what would I do with my sweater scraps?

Happy 10th day of Christmas!

Mobile blogging

2009-01-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new. Blogging on Tom's iPhone. I usually get a good 20 minutes while putting Israel to bed. There are limitations, but you might see more blogging from me this way.

Kid Gifts

2009-01-02T07:44:00.000-08:00

Here are all the gifts I made for the kids this Christmas.

First, the scarf I knit for Eve...last Christmas. I didn't have a crochet hook, so I couldn't put the fringe on. I finally borrowed one this year...I think I still have it. Anyway, it's done, but Eve says it's too scratchy.

Here's Eve's tutu shirt, I embroidered an 'E' on the front and then attached a wide gathered length of organza ribbon to the bottom of a long sleeved t-shirt from Target. I sewed a thin ribbon over the raw seam. She loves it and wore it Christmas day. It didn't wash as well as I'd hoped, I thought a ribbon wouldn't fray, but it wasn't really intended for this purpose, so I think a nice colorful zigzag stitch will do.

When I pulled all the Christmas decorations out, Israel fell in love with a square pillow I have. He walked around for days hugging it enthusiastically. He needed his own pillow. I picked up a small decorative pillow at goodwill and covered it in fleece. I machine appliqued a star and an 'I'. I did it quick, and you can tell. He loves it anyway.

I made a stuffed monkey for my one year old niece, 'melia from this adorable pattern by MmmCrafts. It was fun to make. It was hard, but not so hard that I didn't make another...

For eve! The differences are subtle, one less type of fabric for the skirt, and slightly more sophisticated shoes, since I wasn't as short on time, and eve is over 3. She's a hit, although she still is unnamed. She was a bit overshadowed because Santa left a new webkinz...sigh.

This was israel's big homemade gift, a way cool rocket from the pattern at The Long Thread he really likes it, and I kinda like that the little Israel in the window looks like an old little people figure.

And finally, I used Israel as the model to make this adorable dress for 'Melia. I used a wonderful tutorial from Kuky Ideas, and a very accomplished seamstress friend wound the elastic thread bobbin for me.

Hope you're enjoying 2009 so far!

Depression Aprons

2009-01-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Hey, happy first day of 2009!

These were gifts for some wonderful ladies in my life. The pattern is the "Vintage Apron" pattern from a totally awesome book, Bend the Rules Sewing.

I call them depression aprons, because I didn't buy any fabric, it was all reclaimed fabric from thrifted items: A big reversible Ikea duvet cover, a coordinating Ikea pillow sham, and a bit of an Old Navy Men's dress shirt. I *almost* didn't buy buttons, but I found one that was so perfect, and I did buy trim. However, the one with gingham trim required no trips to the store whatsoever.

During the Great Depression, there were many little sayings to remind people of the way things were, One of them, "Make do or do without" has run through my head most of the last year. But then, I can run out and pick up trims and buttons...the way things are, maybe I should just change the name to recession aprons!

This first one has a very old fashioned Embroidery technique on the gingham pocket called Chicken Scratch. It must be done on gingham, and a few very simple stitches result in a lovely lace pattern. I made a "large heart" from the pattern I found here. The embroidery went fast, but this apron definitely took the most time, due to the Chicken Scratch. Hand sewing always increases the time any project takes.

check out more Chicken Scratch photos in this Flickr Pool

The rest are variations of the same, all with the Ikea fabrics, vintage buttons and retro-kitch trim, like ball fringe, cut felt leaves, and ric-rac.

A pictoral goodbye to 2008

2008-12-31T16:05:00.000-08:00

that's not to say that I won't be posting more about 2008 in January...but here are some pics which require little commentary, and a far past-due for posting.

There you go, knocked out all of October and November with one post! Whee!

Happy New Year!

12 days of Christmas

2008-12-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

well, yesterday was another flurry of last minute Christmas crafting. and I have managed to take photos of all but one of the gifts I made this year...

But that's not what this post is about.

we're trying to keep up with the momentum of Christ-focusing we did during Advent, and so are celebrating the 12 days of Christmas. We've been reading about the magi, La Bafana/Babushka, and continuing to listen to Christmas music.

One of my new-favorite Christmas songs is by a band I've never heard of before...Downhere

I love their sound! I want their whole album now. They have a Queen sound, as well as maybe the Killers...yay! What fun!

The song is just so full of the true meaning of Christmas. It's awesome.

Happy 4th or 5th day of Christmas to you!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T12:46:00.000-08:00

We've had an incredible winter wonderland going for the past few days. I love snow! I hate driving in it, but it's fun to be stuck at home.

My brother and his wife are staying with us to avoid being stuck at their cold little place, so it's like an extended holiday.

Maybe on Christmas I'll have time to post some crafty goodness and some Otters in the snow pics as well. We'll see.

I hope you all have a joyous Christmas, remembering what Christmas is really all about. God loves us so much!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful Husband!

2008-12-19T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hi all,

I really have a ton to share, but, as usual, no time--no time to upload or edit pictures, and certainly no time to blog. Expect lots of Christmas stuff during the 12 days of Christmas, when things slow down a bit.

In the mean time, Tom, my dear and wonderful husband, is doing a great job (along with his brother) at keeping new content coming on their webcomic. So, go check out The Legendary Boys Of Floyd, and wish Tom a happy birthday--and vote too!

Craft Addict Give-Away

2008-12-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

I am usually too lazy to blog about other bloggers. (Although, please check out my ever-expanding blog roll, to the left and down, lots--and I mean lots--of great blogs on there)

Despite my laziness though, I thought this Craft Addict Give-away was such a great give-away, I had to share it. Not so much because of the stuff, although that's cool, but because the requirement for entering is to comment there about our favorite charity.

In addition to Easter European Outreach, my other favorites include The Mobility Project, Alpha Counseling--a local christian counselor that saved my marriage, but has no website--and, just this year, Advent Conspiracy.

Click on the give-away links above to enter, or even on the title of this post, or, on the graphic, kindly provided by Craft Addict herself (I'm a new reader of the blog, so it's an assumption that Craft Addict is a gal, I hope I'm not wrong! ha ha)

Happy St. Nicholas day-eve! (which we *are* celebrating--maybe over-kill since we'll still have Christmas day present-opening as well. *shrug*)

Christmas Prep

2008-12-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm actually aching over not taking advantage of cyber-monday free-shipping deals. It hurts. BUT, I don't really need to buy stuff. I don't.

Plus, I don't have my own credit card anymore, so I couldn't even hide it from Tom until the bills arrived. He'd know, and then it wouldn't be a surprise, not to mention us not having the money for that sort of thing.

So. There you go.

Yesterday, Eve was bored while I painstakingly crafted an advent chain for her. I look forward to the days when she can wield the scissors safely and effectively. But, she really really LOVES the advent stuff.

So, we made green paper hand prints and "built" (aka taped to the window) a hand print tree. On this will "hang" (with tape) the little coloring project jesse tree ornaments

We made a no-staples, no glue*, paper advent chain. Half of one anyway. I ran out of time, and needed to pay bills after the kids went to bed, so the rest will have to happen tonight or tomorrow or whenever--hopefully before we run out of the chain as it currently stands.

*The chain itself uses no glue, however, for Advent, I glued the devotionals to the inside of the links. Now you see why I ran out of time before I ran out of crafting duties.

Our first day was yesterday. She colored a small picture of a stump with a shoot coming from it, while I read a bit from Isaiah (11:1-2). The devotional was about David and how God has a plan for us.

She wanted to read the "story" (the devotional) again, right away. Instead, I read to her about David from her beginners bible.

I'm really looking forward to Advent.

Now I have to decide--really quick--if we're going to do St. Nickolas day.

I'm strange

2008-11-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

As I was deciding on a title for this post, I also toyed with the idea of "Obligatory I'm-sorry-it's-been-so-long-since-my-last-post." When I settled on "I'm strange" it occurred to me that the content of this post is certainly not the only strange thing about me. It's possible "I'm strange" will become a common posting subject.

I think this particular oddity about me probably has it's roots in psychosis of some sort.

I am a collector. Interestingly, I don't collect anything that can be proudly displayed. I'm not into knickknacks or even all that obsessed about shoes. Once upon a time I tried being a stamp collector, then a collector of carousel horse music boxes, and lastly a barbie collector. I still have the dolls, and someday, Eve can have them. I never managed to maintain my ardor for any of those things, and I can't say I've ever bought myself anything to add to my previous collections. I wasn't that in to it.

My collections are more utilitarian in nature.

fabric, vintage textiles (to use as fabric), vintage buttons...

Boxes, salvageable Christmas and birthday wrapping, including tissue paper, gift bags, and ribbon.

Boxes? Okay, maybe that's not strange. You wanna know what is?

I can't use all this. No, I don't mean I have no use for them, I mean...I can't use them because then I would no longer have them.

Need to mail a package? Maybe there's a recent box in the garage, because the ones in my collection are very unique and I might need those dimensions some day, and the thing I'm sending can very well fit in any old box.

Need to wrap a gift? I can't just go out and get all this pretty wrapping I've saved--it's, at this point, 10 years old! It's precious. Irreplaceable. Where's that new roll of paper from the dollar store?

If I don't have to cut the salvaged ribbon or wrapping paper and the recipient of the gift will be opening the gift in my home...then maybe I can use it. After all, if they're careful, I can get the ribbon and paper and box right back--ostensibly to dispose of it for them. Yeah, right.

Fabric? Well, that I'll use if there's plenty of it. But once I get down to the last half-yard, I can't very well use it on this project, after all, the recipient of this sewn gift wouldn't possibly value this lovely fabric as it should be valued. I'll save it for someone who would, if such a paragon exists.

And Fabric fat-quarters? Those lovely squares of fabric sold pre-cut to be used by quilters? They just happen to also be the perfect size for little bags, head bands, etc. But I might as well not even buy these--and lie to myself that I'll use them--because if you only start with a quarter of a yard, you can't use it for anything and expect to have any left over. Come on!

Buttons? Oh dear, these are worse than boxes. No chance of getting them back if I incorporate them in a gift. So, although this green Bakelite button is the perfect shade and size for this project, I'll have to find something a little more common, because, as usual, the recipient couldn't possibly know how special a little green button is, right? Right.

Ribbon? Perish the thought! This stuff doesn't grow on trees you know. How often to you get a gift wrapped with a fabric ribbon? And do you have any idea where one could buy such ribbon to replace this scant yard of lovely chocolate raspberry top-stitched grosgrain? No? Well then, don't expect to see it leave my trim box.

Sigh. What is wrong with me?!

There have been a few instances in which I've used my beloved boxes, buttons and ribbons. Because, I know it's not healthy to constantly collect and never use any of it. And then I must bite my tongue to keep from gushing rather inappropriately about this or that.

As a smile, my heart says, "I'm very glad you like it. I did spend a bit of time making it. It's made from my favorite ever wool coat...I wish the coat was still wearable. I've had it forever! There's not enough left to make anything else. Isn't it the best fabric ever? Just look at that color!! And did you see that cute little button there? I've had it for 6 years. Found it at Goodwill, can you believe someone just gave that away?! I know!! And um, that box. Did you notice it actually has a magnet in the lid to close it? and the board is so substantial! Not to mention I didn't have to wrap it, since it's covered in silver paper and there's even a bow on top! I had not trouble wrapping your gift in it because I actually have another at home! I can have my cake and eat it too. Please don't throw it away. If you might, perhaps you should just give it to me. It's really a great box. Even if you won't throw it away, unless you really love it, maybe you ought to just give it to me anyway. You don't need that thing lying around your house, right?"

Talk about obnoxious. And insane.

Are you strange? Share in the comments (or link to your own blog) so I can feel slightly better about this. And laugh at you. ;)

Embroidery

2008-10-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

A few baby onesies, and even a few gifts for some grown-up friends. I really enjoy grown-up gifts, as I'm usually stitching on woven fabric rather than knitted t-shirt material...fun, fun.

Child Labor

2008-10-13T11:04:00.000-07:00

The darker side of why my house is always spotless...

The Swallow days

2008-10-06T13:00:00.000-07:00

The Swallow days occur for a short period of time--usually 3 days--here at our little lake in late August or early September, when the Swallows, en masse, begin to head South. They take a small holiday from their journey right here, literally at our very house. They snack on bugs and fly around in such large groups as to look like swarms of bugs themselves.

I took some photos of them which don't do their beauty, agility, or sheer numbers justice, but serve to give you a small taste of those things.

In addition to Swallows, this is one of the few times each year we get to see a Falcon close up. This one was, no doubt, waiting for the right opportunity to thin the flock. No better time, certainly.

I can't help but be happy and energetic on these days, as the life and activity of these creatures fills me with joy. I feel so blessed that my home is right in their path.

They serve to remind me, as so much of my life these days, that God is the great provider, and that I ought not be anxious for anything. These birds aren't concerned about tomorrow, they simply take what is given today, and let tomorrow worry over itself.

Eve and I, and even Israel, spent a lot of time gazing out our windows, leaving chores undone in order to enjoy the spectacle of such natural entertainment.

Thank you, Lord, for such pleasures!

Confessions of an Elimination Diet Dropout

2008-10-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well, not really a dropout. Let's just say "We're on a break" the Elimination Diet and I. She is a cruel mistress.

To date, I have discovered that I am quite strongly allergic to rice, of all things. Additionally, I can say without a doubt, Soy and I are not friends. However, after that, things get fuzzy...is it tomatoes that are causing my problems, or chocolate? Or perhaps Millet, or Teff? Or could it be Cane sugar? Winter Squash? Maple Syrup? Honey?

And so, I have to go back to a strict diet of lentils, Mung and Adzuki beans, veggies, and a few mild fruits. Then, I have to painstakingly "challenge" things as innocuous sounding a Millet and Squash.

But Saturday night I had Pizza! And Sunday I had Candy Corn and Coke and fried chicken and Ranch dip and steak and mashed potatoes and jojos and PIE! And today, I've had a sausage breakfast sandwich, a donut, and a mocha!! Wow...so fun. On the other hand, I don't feel quite so healthy as I've been feeling. So I definitely don't want to make this kind of indulgence the norm.

I'll begin my Lentil penance on Wednesday after I restock my pantry with Elimination Diet vittles.

More on Voting

2008-10-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Well, if you're not too upset with me for going all political on you for a moment, let me ask for you vote on behalf of my husband.

His and his brother's Web Comic, Legendary Boys Of Floyd, is plugging along and growing in readership.

Go check today's post and give him a vote.

Thanks!!

Interesting?

2008-10-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

I came across this video, regarding the current financial crisis in the US. I thought I'd share it with you and get your thoughts. Please keep discussion civil.

Kid Pics

2008-09-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, due to the annoying situation of all my photos not being on my computer, I don't have pictures of everything I had planned to blog about. There are embroidery projects galore, and Wildlife on the Lake to share...but I don't have those pictures. Very bothersome.

Instead, here are some summer pictures.

green frosting fingers...or toxic waste? You decide

Peanut's first birthday cake, take 2

I gave Eve her very first pedicure (sans polish), and she was looking ever so grown up.

Israel, practicing his "Blue Steel" Zoolander pose. He's a kid who want to to learn to read and do other things well.

Other happenings at the company picnic. Eve had a great time doing the scavenger hunt, and helping my boss verify the collected items of others. Not to mention eating stuff that made her face really messy. That's one of her favorite things. It's such a cute face though.

Just too cute not to capture

Playgroup at Abby's.

Eve, helping daddy with his Legendary Boys of Floyd web comic stickers.

Playgroup at the park. All I wanted to do was get a picture of her in that outfit...it's such a good color combo on her...and all day, I was getting these looks.

Blue eye shadow, glittery lipstick, and blush, applied by glamorous cousin Ann.

Playing in cousin Levi's Shark tent

I do have a few pictures of a few embroidered things...up next.

Pictures!!

2008-09-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

And a happy Labor Day to you!

There are always more pictures on my Flickr

Embroidery

2008-08-31T12:11:00.000-07:00

So, I've finished a few tops, and am feverishly working on finishing a gift for an adult friend (shock!).

I've got one other shirt done, but no pics uploaded yet. One inked-up shirt for my darling Si-Pi (he loves me so much, and the feeling is mutual), and two (two!!) other gifts for adult friends all ready to go (that is, all ready to be embroidered).

There actually has been a slight lull in baby-births...although I am not caught up...I've been considering being a bit more selective with who I do this for. Simply put, some people really value it, and it seems--to my great surprise--some don't. I don't want to labor and spend a ton of time lovingly creating something when it won't be appreciated. So...that might help free up my embroidery-time a bit. I can easily hand-make simpler gifts in those cases.

Additionally, I have some gingham lying around and I really, really, really want to try chicken scratch. I'm sure I have lots of time to do that! :)

I'm really looking forward to starting some embroidery lessons with a friend (or two) of mine this Fall. It will be so much fun to teach these gals this very simple, easy home-craft, not to mention to have regularly scheduled visits to chat and catch up. All the while creating beautiful things for our homes or for others. Yay!

Without further ado, here are the latest baby shirts!

Front:

Back:

I really enjoyed this one--I don't often work on colored shirts, and I've never done (probably because I usually work on white) a mono-chromatic (one color, different shades) one like this. I really like the effect.

The baby this was for is so feminine and lovely. And I think the color would also look darling on her, but I haven't seen it on. She's dainty enough, too, that I didn't have to worry about the shirt size. It was a 6-9 month, but it didn't seem as big as the white 6-9 month shirts I usually work on.

Next one...
Front:

Back:

Isn't Aria an awesome name?!

I was really excited to work on gray, but now I think I ought to have chosen a design with less colors...maybe just pink and white or black...I do love this design and the colors...but they don't *pop* quite like I want them to.

Hopefully this shirt still fit when the gift was delivered. :)

My Husband's (and Brother-in-Law's) Web comic

2008-08-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

My Husband is "officially" launching the collaborative website he and his brother are crafting.

Legendary Boys of Floyd is a comic and blog, with artwork by my brother-in-law, Tim, and website design, as well as concept, stories, and blogging by my husband, Tom.

It's been a fun thing for him to work on and own. It gives him a purpose and a distraction for his non-working, painful days.

Today he's at PAX, wearing an official shirt and passing out free stickers to whomever will take them. Hopefully he doesn't get kicked out!

Living in the Pacific Northwest, there is almost literally a coffee stand on every corner, so coffee, coffee shops, home-grown v. Corporate (AKA Starbucks) coffee, silliness, pictures and stories are all things you'll find there.

A few of my favorite comics and posts are listed below, but they're almost all good. So, go check it out!

The Claim
The Bust
The Change

Jooky Junk!
coffee antics

Milestones

2008-08-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

Isreal is one. It's gone by way too fast...

He's really great at walking now, and he loves to climb...scares me nearly to death! He wants to go and do so much, but luckily, he still loves to snuggle and takes great joy in people.

He's a great hugger--he'll hug you on command: "hugs!" He will also make kissing sounds when I say "kiss" and sometimes he'll even give kisses.

He is very in to music. every time he hears even a musical...sound, he'll start rocking and bobbing. And during his little adventures around the house I've heard him humming--simply adorable!

He can sign "all done", claps enthusiastically, and I think he tried to sign to nurse the other day--he seemed pretty pleased with himself. I'm not great about teaching him signs...but he is getting it, so I should work on it.

He doesn't talk a lot. He makes a ton of noises, and communicates...but he doesn't have words like Eve did. By the time she was 1, eve had a huge vocabulary. He has maybe half a dozen words. "Wow" is a recent favorite. He also like "sit" and "dog."

Why does he have to grow so fast? Lately, whenever casual references have come up, Tom's been quick to point out that we may be done--it breaks my heart to think of no more babies! ugh.

As is customary, he got two Birthday parties, and his very own mini cake, each day. The cake was on my allergy elimination diet, even the frosting! I made a big cake with white frosting for the non-birthday folks, and a little one with green frosting (colored with pureed spinach!) for the Birthday boy.

I'd love to share the frosting receipe, but I was really winging it all along. I used coconut butter, Hemp milk, and coconut oil, along with sugar and vanilla. I will say, making your own powdered sugar is time consuming. Next time I'm just going to order corn-free powdered sugar. Eve says she wants a pink chocolate cake. I'm thinking Beets will be the coloring of choice!

The new normal

2008-08-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hey there blog-land.

been away living life.

Thought I'd update you all on things:

Tom's "condition" is, basically, permanent. There is nothing more that can be done, surgically. Hopefully, now L&I will approve some alternative treatments like Chiropractic. He has early stages of arthritis in his lower back which is probably why he has hip pain.

The doctor said in time (years?) Tom might be able to do some of the activities he used to enjoy.

I can't even express how sad I am for Tom about this. And of course, it's not what I wanted to hear about the situation either. He is constantly in pain, and has somewhat regular bouts of intense sharp pain that last for days. And that is the new normal.

We've been living with it for nearly a year and a half now, so I know we can deal with it. But, we've also had a bit of hope that eventually things would get figured out and he'd be fixed. Now? Not a lot of room for hope. :(

Israel is walking! And he has a few "words" like more and kitty. He's definitely not the little communicator Eve was, but he's such an explorer and so independent. He's still just the sweetest little guy ever. He is a joy and a blessing. I'm so glad he's part of our family.

Eve is coming out of the pit of being three and a half, and is blossoming into the most pleasant almost-four year old. I'm really glad too, I like...liking her! :)

I'm on a crazy diet--again--trying to figure out food allergies. So far, it's still a mystery and I miss cheese, Pizza, cheese, beer and...cheese. If I end up being allergic to dairy...how will I go on?

I have to make all my own everything. This week I made a yummy and rather time consuming batch of Quinoa apple banana muffins. If I end up having to make this kind of eating a lifestyle, I will have to borrow or buy a food processor--hand grating an apple is just...too much. So...I'm giving it more time. I've lost all my Peanut baby weight though...so the diet has it's benefits. I've got plans to keep going until the 16th of August, taking a day off to gorge on cheese, and then starting an even more strict 28 day elimination/detox diet. That is, if I don't see improvement in my various ailments between now and the 16th. If I do...I may have already had my last hurrah with cheese. :(

I am almost done with another onesie, so I'll have two to show you. Unfortunately, I spend all my time either cooking or cleaning up after cooking, so I've very little time for onesies, and even less for downloading and uploading pictures. :)

I still have one all "inked up" and ready to get started on, and then I have half a dozen more to design, ink, and stitch...it's harder because my hands hurt so much...I may have to retire if I can't get this thing solved.

smiles, embroidery, and happenings

2008-06-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest baby top. Unfortunately, the baby moved away, and I don't have a mailing address yet, and am not getting emails back from baby's mama...so this may simply be practice. Not sure I love the faces... did them myself as an addition to a sublime stitching pattern, and then was commited because I drew it on the shirt with ball point pen--which never seems to come out when I accidentally draw on my own clothes! So...anyway.

and the rear

I do so love cherries. I want to put that little french knot pair on just about everything I own. So cheery.

Eve decided to make us all super heros the other day. She has a great eye for matching colors. I was wearing pink and got a red cape, since there was no pink tissue paper. But no one was around to photograph me.

And finally, we had a mama otter and two of her children visit our dock the other day. They stayed for more than 20 minutes. She ate an entire, rather large Trout (or possibly Bass, I really couldn't tell) from tail to head, every bit of her, and didn't share with the babies. It was fun to watch them play, and search for scraps around their mom. Then one went potty on our dock, and that really got Eve giggling. Tom wasn't so happy. :) The photos are less than spectacular because the otters are skittish, so we have to be stealthy and definitely stay inside, so these are through windows and railings and taken at quite a distance. But, for documentations sake, here you are:

craftiness

2008-05-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

Hello out there.

I've missed blogging, but sometimes, living life is more important and more fun. But now I have something fun to share, so here we go.

I've had a recent spurt! I finished a onesie I'd been dragging my feet on because I'm pretty sure the baby it's for is wearing the size the onesie is. I'm so bad. *And* sharing my fabric stash and tote-making instructions with a couple friends inspired me to sew again, so I finished the back pack! I also hemmed a pair of my own pants into those trendy long shorts which are really quite flattering. I did the same with a pair of pants for Tom to make shorts for him too. But this makes like pair number 4 for that, so nothing really exciting there.

On to pictures!

Soren's elephant

with a little bird...

and another on the behind, with a peanut. On later reflection, I should have decreased the size of the peanut or increased the size of the bird, as it is, it looks suspiciously like something else one might find near an elephant, especially since it's on the rear. Oh well.

Andrew was a fisherman...

satin stitch on a t-shirt is hard and not fun

I put three little bubbles on the butt, but I was tired of satin stitch, and they were too big for just knots, so I just outlined in backstitch. Not my best-ever behind design. If you are really desperate to see it, visit my flickr photoset, you'll find it somewhere in there.

The exciting thing about both these onesies is that I designed them myself. I actually sketched an elephant (20 some times) and doodled the underwater scene. What did I spend the most time on? figuring out how to draw birds! I'm pretty darn proud of myself. This isn't the first time I've done my own design work, but I look at the elephant and just swell with pride that I could draw that. Yay!

On to more self-designed stuff.

Here's a backpack I made for Eve. My friend Kim made a backpack out of some great Amy Butler fabric (I think) for another friend's oldest girl back in November. I was totally inspired and began to make a Christmas present for Eve. I knocked out all but the straps and hanging loop right away, and then became intimidated by the attachment of the straps and left it literally under the needle of my machine until a few weeks ago when Tom decided he needed new shorts. I've told you all that, though. So, anyway, here it is.

Note the flat bottom. Making flat-bottomed bags makes me really happy. I think it's the geometry involved.

I asked Kim for a basic rundown on what she did. If I were to do it again, I would make it bigger and put a pocket on the outside front (and ribbon details, which I meant to do, but forgot until everything was all sewn together, oh well!) which are both things Kim did, and I just was too lazy to pay careful attention to such details. I also think the flap should be longer, but I cut the flap before I made the bag have a flat bottom, so that's my excuse for how short it is.

I love the fabric. I found it all in a quilting fat quarter stack at joann's. It's not going to hold up to a ton of abuse, but Eve's already getting too big for the thing, so I think it will be just fine. Is it some kind of strange Christmas motif? It was the right timing for it, and it's got angels...but not the usual angels, and certainly not Christmas colors. It's really vibrant and summery looking, really.

another thing that Kim told me to do, but which sailed right in one ear and out the other, was to sew the top of the straps into the flap seam, along with the hanger hook, but, you know, Kim sews way more than I do and is clever that way. I'm just pleased the straps are on. But if I make another back pack, I'm totally doing that.

One thing Kim didn't do, but which I did, was put elastic on the straps. I wanted it to be "adjustable" in the sense that the straps could fit Eve for longer than a month, but I didn't want to do the usual strap adjusters (because I am afraid of those!) The bonus of this method is that it allows Eve to easily put the back pack on by herself, but it still fits snugly against her back so she doesn't have her backpack dragging down by her bottom. I can only imagine the back strain the other method would have caused, since I'm not certain a book would fit, and she's always lugging around really heavy beanie babies and whatnot.

fully lined, featuring pockets and a velcro closure for the flap (because every other kind of closure scares me--I need to branch out)

Eve is quite pleased (there's those straps in action!!), and Israel can't believe how talented his beloved mom is. He loves me even more now, and expects to have a robot-angel backpack of his own when he's three. This is not the sort of thing that makes a suitable hand-me-down.

No pictures of the shorts (they're not that flattering.

We have a winner! or, The contest that almost killed me

2008-04-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

Stephanie! Congratulations. Your plan to make a Mei Tai won out, by appealing to my deep love for babywearing.

Send me an email (jenne_girle at yahoo dot com), with your mailing address and we'll finally get this prize out the door!

Ugh, I'm sorry it took me so long, but I really just couldn't decide. I kept waffling between one choice and another, and then wondering if I could possibly scrape together enough good stuff to give something to everyone, and even getting so tired of it all, considering never blogging again and just hiding forever. ;)

So, from now on, my contests are going to be entirely random--I just can't take the pressure!

Thank you all for entering!! It was fun.

More fabric

2008-03-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

For a chance to get some free vintage fabric yardage, comment on my Contest!! post.

Here's some other fabric I snagged for a steal.

It's rayon and feels soooo nice. Lots of it too. I can't decide what to do with it, but considering my sewing machine is still parked on the straps to Eve's backpack that was mostly completed before Christmas, I'm not sure I need to rush to figure it out.

Contest!!

2008-03-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Looks like fabric yardage wins the day, so here's the contest.

Tell me what you would do with this fabric:

I think it's linen, and is somewhat heavy weight.

Comment on this post by Midnight Pacific time next Saturday, one week from today. I'll choose my favorite and announce the winner the following Monday.

The winner will get a yard of this fabric, and possibly a few other goodies from my stash of buttons, fat quarters, and trim.

On your marks, get set, go!

I have the best Husband

2008-03-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have no pictures of the event, but Tom officiated a wedding yesterday. It's the first, and I guess probably only, though who knows? This younger friend and coworker of Tom's asked him, and how can one refuse such a request.

It is also the first wedding Eve has been to since she's been old enough to notice. She loved it, and was talking about her Easter dress being her wedding dress today. Tom did a beautiful job, I was so proud. Eve was quiet and respectful, and I'm proud of her too. Peanut was good while all the guests were seated, but not once the ceremony began I think he didn't like hearing daddy and not being able to see him. Once we stood in the back and he could see Tom, he settled down.

Later, Tom told me he was choked up and having a hard time remaining stoic, as he thought back to our own wedding, and the bride and groom before him got misty-eyed. It warmed my heart considerably, because, of course, I think back to our wedding every time we go to a wedding.

Tom's part in it and the ceremony itself was lovely and short. The cake was a different story. The topper was a bride grabbing the back collar of the quickly departing groom. The face of the miniature bride was determined and angry, and the face of the little groom was frightened and surprised. It made me sad, though I know it was only for fun, to see such a representation of the feelings of the bride and groom themselves. I've never been a fan of those kind of cake toppers anyway, but this was, I think, the worst I've seen. Then, to make matters worse, the groom betrayed the trust of his new wife by smashing a huge piece of cake in her face. She in turn tried her best to retaliate with a smaller piece. Ugh, it was so badly done. Why do people do that?

Tom didn't do that to me on our wedding day, and it made me love him all the more last night as I witnessed that spectacle. When I mentioned this all to Tom, though I think he was pleased to have inspired me to praise him for it, he didn't seem to think it was any great thing.

To turn everything on its head, I think the cake was the best tasting wedding cake I've ever had. It was really delicious.

So, I ask you, am I over-reacting to the cake topper? What do you think of this modern "tradition" of smearing cake in your beloved's face? I feel like it doesn't bode well for the marriage, but maybe I'm mistaken.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate Christ's resurrection. Part of that celebration includes dying eggs. I know, it's more of a pagan aspect of celebrating spring and new life, but the egg is a part of the Jewish celebration of passover and a classic symbol of the three-in-one God as well, not to mention that it is Easter that gives us new life, so why not celebrate with some fun? Plus, devilled eggs and egg salad are so yummy.

This was our first year coloring eggs, and Eve did a great job. I only got a picture of one, because Eve is *that* in to eating them. I'll be honest, they didn't turn out the way I like, and I think next year we'll try some natural dying techniques and brown eggs. This year was just too hectic.

We are off to a family dinner. I hope that today, as many celebrate the essential and defining aspect of Christianity, Christ's resurrection from the death that reconciled us to God, that you, if you celebrate or not, will have a day of Grace and blessing.

New Poll

2008-03-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

If you simply subscribe to this feed, go on over to the blog page and take the Poll. If you're already here...uh, take the Poll!

Pictures!

2008-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I finally downloaded some Pics from the camera!

I had great lighting in the house the other day, and Eve was at Grandma's, so it was the perfect time for a photo shoot with Israel. What is it about this age that is so great for pictures? But, he wouldn't cooperate. He kept crawling around, he wouldn't stay put, and he kept moving into the shadows of the room, so only a few shots turned out. But they are awfully cute.

A week and a half ago, Eve got her first haircut. We still couldn't bring ourselves to cut bangs though, so it's not very obvious. She was great for the whole thing, and her lovely aunt Angela did the honors.

A few weeks ago, we had our first sunny, warmish day. It wasn't even spring yet (still isn't, and the weather here is back to normal, cool and wet and cloudy) but it felt like Spring, so I raced outside with the kids, let Eve play in the muddy sand, and let Peanut meet the grass for the first time.

I tried to get a good picture of them together, but Eve just couldn't stay still, and when she did, she couldn't stop with the silly faces. So, you'll have to see them separately.

Peanut had his first banana when he finally got over the flu. Or at least, when he was nearly over it. This is the aftermath.

It sure made him happy, though none actually made it into his mouth.

Here he is doing his calisthenics. This was a week or two before he figured crawling out.

I was feeling guilty clicking away at Peanut exercising while Eve was out of the way, so I ran downstairs and snapped this before she figured out what I was up to. What is it about preschoolers that makes them incapable of just smiling normal for the camera? But this one shot is natural and adorable.

Here's a couple just because of the adorable Peanut.

Aww...he was sick and teething... so his face was leaking from every spot.

Check out Eve's mad drawing skills, and her obvious left handedness.

I was kinda bummed she did this on her hand, but then when I realized I could just take a picture, I think I like the idea better than saving paper pictures anyway...because we have hundreds of those.

Yesterday we went to Goodwill to try to find a pair of slacks for Tom to wear to a wedding this weekend (the one he's officiating, I can't wait to share how that goes!), which was a total failure, but I found some beautiful fabric totally cheap, and lots of it. I'm looking forward to sharing that too. In fact, I want to *actually* share it and give some away...even though it will be painful to let even a little of it go. Stay tuned.

In a funk

2008-03-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I just can't seem to motivate myself to do much. Except keep my kitchen clean (yay me!)

I do have one finished onesie languishing in my unfolded pile(s) of clean whites. I really have to get on those baskets of whites, because I'm quite tired of digging through the mounds to find things. An unfolded basket of towels or jeans is pretty easy to dig through, but it's also easy to fold...it's those darn whites, littered with a hundred unmatched socks and every other tiny article of clothing in our four wardrobes.

One of the recent babies is moving in a little over a week. I suppose I'll have to mail the onesie, and I haven't even contemplated what I'll do on hers, either. And after These next...6 onesies, I may be retiring, or at least re-thinking my stuff. I can't keep up...soon I'll be embroidering 2T shirts because it will simply take me that long to get around to it. That simply won't do.

A few sweet friends have opened etsy shops with cute things. Please visit.

Check out the cute mini-diaper bags and these adorable purses

Israel is 7 months old now!! I just got around to requesting a birth greeting from the president. And I have an appointment to get portraits on Thursday...I meant to do that when he was 6 months old...but in my defense, he was sick most of the time this last month, and the wonderful portrait studio is gone. He is really quite the crawler now. And likes to pull on things. Today I had to rescue him after he pulled the vacuum cleaner down on himself!! Poor kid. He was just fine though. No harm, no foul.

Seriously funny

2008-03-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

Check out this hilarious post on airline travel with a baby. Man, I cried I laughed so hard.

I have nothing else good to share. Well, I did get a new job. So right now I'm working two, and will be down to one--hopefully superior--job in a week and a half. But I don't like working, so I can't say I'm over the top about this news. Plus, working two jobs=busy+tired!

Peanut is actually crawling, but it's like the first few days of walking, he still resorts to the army crawl if he needs to avoid tipping or to get somewhere quick. It's pretty funny to watch him make the decision to go to army crawling. He flops.

For the few...

2008-02-25T17:12:00.000-08:00

Do you sometimes travel to Seattle on Sunday nights to Mars Hill? If so, I have something I simply must tell you, because it makes me practically a celebrity.

I'm somewhat related to Jamie Munson! Ready for it? My oldest little brother's wife's little sister's husband is Jamie Munson. I almost wrote this post entirely for the pleasure of that line right there.

I've been to his home a few times, had dinner with him and his really darling wife. They have adorable kids, and I love his parents-in-law too. And of course I love his sister-in-law.

So there you go. I hope some sort of question about being related to a Mars Hill elder/pastor shows up on one of those icebreaker pages some day. Just because.

Goodbye and Good Riddence

2008-02-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

My goodness. We're not *quite* over what feels like the month-long illness. I know it didn't really last that long because I can remember that it was only a little over two weeks ago that Eve's first symptoms appeared, but it *feels* like a month.

We've been up to very little around our place, because this flu-ishness made Eve and Israel clingy non-sleepers. So, we spent the time we weren't cleaning sheets, towels and clothing for various reasons (bloody noses, baby vomit, sticky ewey medicine, honey, garlic oil, and glycerine drops) holding and comforting our little ones. I don't know how I could have got through the days if Tom hadn't been home. I wouldn't have gotten a single thing done, as it is, my accomplishments were few.

Now I'm a bit sick. I don't feel like the children felt, no fever or anything too severe, but I do have a bit of a cough and almost no voice.

Perseverance in my prayer and study seems to have had the desired effect. I can't say my struggles are over, but I will say I feel more content and less conflicted. Confused? Yes. But not as unhappy about it as previously.

Tom saw his surgeon on Thursday, and healing seems to be going a bit more slowly than the surgeon himself had hoped. And Tom, of course was discouraged when the doc told him to expect another 2 months for recovery. If he doesn't get fixed up, he is looking at hip replacement next, and I don't think I'd like that any better than his previous surgeries.

I don't think this post is really worth reading...

2008-02-13T10:41:00.000-08:00

but if you insist on doing so, don't say I didn't warn you.

No pictures, no crafts, no funny stories. Seriously, you can go read the delightful blogs in my new "current faves" list (check the sidebar blog roll), or the Seaside blogs, or check out the groups I'm a part of on Flickr. All more entertaining.

I have to finish up community service (5 hours left to go before Monday!!), so all my free time has been going in to that, and crafting is taking a way-back burner to everything else. So much so that even though I only have to attach the straps to Eve's backpack which I started just after Christmas, and I only have to weave in the fringe on her scarf, which I otherwise finished quite sometime ago, and one of the 4 shirts I need to embroider quick-like is two colors and probably 20 minutes of stitching away from being finished, they will all probably stay unfinished in the exact current state they're in (the backpack is actually under the needle on the machine) for some time.

I did tell you about the 27 hours of community service I get to do at church to pay off my school zone speeding ticket, right? I'm so happy I can do this, because I have no idea where the money would have come from to pay it. But, it was somewhat bad timing, since Tom had surgery right in the middle of my 60 days to complete the service in, and that basically took me out of commission for any kind of service for at least 21 of those days. So, now it's crunch time.

Eve is sick and if the little coughs Israel had this morning are any indication (of which I'm quite certain), I can expect him to be feeling pretty nasty by Friday. I just hope this will pass without any trips to the doctor or hospital. It's funny, with Eve, I took her in once for an ear infection when she was very young (under 3 months, I think) and otherwise never took her in except for well-child visits (which were much fewer and farther between than normal). But, since having Israel, I feel like we go to the doctor all the time. I know part of that is our more dedicated well-child schedule, and the fancy, spread out vaccine schedule I have Israel on, that has us going in once a month right now, but I've also taken Eve in for illnesses more than ever...all in the last 6 months.

Israel is *so* ready to crawl. He is up on all fours and rocking his little heart out. He's desperate to move, and can kind of throw and roll himself around. As soon as he figures out how to move his hands, he will be shooting around the house like a rocket, I think. We're also working on sitting, which he doesn't like nearly as well, since it's, you know, stationary. But, he can do it with a little support for long periods, and with no support for a few seconds.

Tom is recovering slowly. Too slowly for both of us. But, I think we had unreasonable expectations, so there you go. He tried for the first time walking without crutches last night, because using one crutch (which he started on Monday) is hurting his back. He says it's very painful, and I'm sure that's true, but I think he would rather that than his back hurt.

I hesitate to post this. I think I liked blogging better when no one knew I did it. Maybe I need to quit blogging and start journaling privately instead, because this is the kind of thing I'm not sure I want to share. But here goes. I'm going through some interesting struggles. I think my own resources finally ran out. 6 months of pouring out and not really be poured into have taken their toll. The result is a great deal of unfocused angst and confusion. I feel lost...or at least blind. I do think some time to craft might help me decompress, but that's not something I can do right now. I was hoping more time reading the bible, being in study with others and on my own, listening to the sermons I've missed basically for all of 2008, and praying more would make things better. Either it's all still not enough, or it simply isn't going to do what I want it to do, because I still feel blind and confused and vaguely disappointed. I feel like the God I thought I knew is not at all what I thought, I feel betrayed by my own understanding, like I've taken a dozen steps back from where I once was, and I'm full of apprehension about what is beyond my very limited range of sight. I want to be fixed, but I don't really know what to do to make that happen, or what not to do, or what. Generally speaking, I'm too lazy to persist in a negative state of mind for long, so I'm surprised that I've managed to maintain this discontent for weeks, despite desiring and expending effort to be content, to be joyful, to be renewed. I'm frustrated.

I hope Tom, Israel, and I can stay healthy enough to be able to go out on Valentines day tomorrow with Tom's brother and sister-in-law, I think I could use it. I guess I should really be hoping Eve is healthy enough to go to the babysitting "event" at church. Darn.

recent movies

2008-01-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

Three movies, three genres.

27 Dresses

When was the last time I went to the theater? Forever and ever. But a friend insisted I go out with her to get a break from being super-nurse.

It was a fun and funny movie. Nothing groundbreaking, but since so many romantic comedies can end up being lame, this one deserves a mention of being at least as funny as the trailer. It was predictable, but I mean, when is a romantic comedy not? I can think back to The Princess Bride...and that's about it. (Please feel free to remind me of others if you can think of them.)

A major bonus was Judy Greer, because who doesn't love her? Not me. Love her! I hope someday she gets to be the heroine.

Highlights? Clothes, Jane's wardrobe was adorable and appropriate, and gosh I wish I could look like that even one day a week, let alone each and every day.
The dresses! Want to know what's really funny? I was wishing I could have been in more weddings so I could have access to that much lovely fabric. obsess much?
Lessons in sibling rivalry. This movie re-iterated for me why sister relationships are so darn difficult. And made me wish all the harder, despite the stash of girl clothes I would love to break out again, that I only have boys from here on out.

3:10 to Yuma

Tom kind of had to twist my arm to watch this one. I really wanted, in theory, to watch it, but we had another one waiting, and when given the choice between a movie where you suspect all the people you like are going to die (this is a western, after all), and one that has been compared to The Princess Bride? I ask you! But, he prevailed, and we watched it.

It was really good. I'm glad we watched it. I've liked Christian Bale since Treasure Island, so I'm always glad to see him, and Russell Crowe was really charismatic as the bad guy you couldn't despise.

The highlights? The insight that the best right hand man a captured baddy can have is one that's in love with him.
Wash!!
Characters. This was chock full of really well fleshed-out characters. The guys anyway. The gals didn't get much play, but, well, they weren't slinging guns, so there wasn't a whole lot of room for them.
Integrity. Remember City Slickers and the question about the alien woman, it's like that, only, not silly or sexual, it's a lot more poignant.
This line: "Even bad men love their mama's" Yet another reason to hope I keep having boys. ;)

Don't be surprised if you ask yourself why Wade's gang doesn't seem to "get it" at the end.

Stardust

Not so much like Princess Bride as I hoped, but you just can't expect for anything to ever be that perfect, you know?

Charlie Cox is a cutie, I hope he gets more parts and doesn't fizzle away. This was definitely a good adventure film, and funny, and quite magical in a rather original way. And I guess in that sense, it is like The Princess Bride. The main characters were quite likable, and the ending was very satisfying.

Tom kept insisting that Clair Danes was Gwyneth Paltrow, and she sure did look and sound like her.

The Highlights?
Robert De Niro as Captain Shakespeare.
The death scenes.
Rupert Everett (really!)
Ricky Gervais

See it, I know you'll enjoy it.

In order that I might look forward to coming to work today...

2008-01-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

I was given so many reasons yesterday to look forward to coming to work today.

We had a few doctor's appointments to go to, in fact, one for everyone but me. We also had to get new meds for Tom. So we were all out together at about 10. We didn't get home until around 5. In between, I had about 4 ounces of chocolate milk spilled all over my head, was puked on, and, of course, had to clean up puke too. The best part is, she had just had a pink Italian cream soda. Thankfully that didn't get in my hair.

What a day.

Crafty gifts

2008-01-16T12:57:00.000-08:00

While I didn't get pictures of everything I made, I think there's enough here for you to enjoy, if you enjoy such things. If you check out my flickr account with any frequency, these are not new to you, so you can go back to your other activities and save yourself the time, if you wish.

This will concluded my Christmas crafting posts...and though the 12 days of Christmas have long past, it still isn't a month since Christmas, so, I'm calling that good enough. Unless I come across pictures of Christmas that are particularly exciting, I probably won't post any more about Christmas at all. Moving on, baby, moving on.

Embroidered ornaments (Less than stellar pictures. Tom took them. He's a great photographer, but he has to care about the subject. ;))

A bib for my sister's new baby, "Meelia Jane"

A satin clutch for Tanna, containing candy and some unphotographed matching hair pins.

Three clutches like the one below, all with different ribbons and buttons, and my photo shoot was a bust. The Christmas tree was in my bright corner windows...it totally messed me up.

The year-long Wee Wonderfuls girl Elf Stitchette stocking for Ellen.

A headband for Bridget.

The Heather Bailey headband was a first for me. I think I need to make Bridget another, that fits her better and in a slightly less stiff fabric, and because one can never have too many, you know?

And last but not least, another year-long embroidery project. I was thinking ahead though, and bought this skirt for Eve a size up. And still she's nearly out of this size. Also, I'm pretty slow with this posting stuff, as this was finished before Peanut arrived.

Cute scooter courtesy of Sublime Stitching!

Phew! All caught up. And despite my very ambitious to-do crafting list (which also seems to be ever expanding) the only craft I've finished in 2008 is a smallish monogram (single letter) of a throw blanket for my wonderful big sis. No pictures. In fact, I've crafted gifts for all my older siblings, and don't have a picture of a single one. One day soon I hope to complete the backpack and scarf I have in the works for Eve, and I'm working on improving my own drawing skills so the next few onesies I do will be all me. Stay tuned folks.

We had a small chimney fire...

2008-01-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, there were flames in our chimney. Luckily, we didn't start a house fire, and were able to put it out simply by dampening the fire in the stove, eventually. But while we were calling able-bodied neighbors at 8 PM, Eve certainly felt it was a grand adventure. Peanut, on the other hand, was so exhausted by the event that he went to bed early!

Today a chimney sweep is coming to clean us up so we can have a wood fire again. Last night we were grateful for the 40 gallons of heating oil my dad gave us. And our electric portable radiator.

EC or just good hand/eye coordination?

2008-01-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Well, we had another not much sleep night last night, and twice now when I have not administered the meds myself (and tried to let Tom handle it) he's overmedicated himself. Luckily, nothing he's taking has any super serious consequences for taking meds a tiny bit more frequently than he should, but it just proves I can't count on a good night's sleep any time soon.

We've been blessed to have Eve with us in the evenings and morning, but family has taken her for fun and adventure during the day since her sleep over ended on Friday. We miss her when she's gone, but her current stage in life, as well as her reaction to the upheaval around here, is making me kind of crazy. I don't feel like a nice mom, and seem to have a lot more patience for her when she's here less, and not so bored.

I find myself using my moments of less demand not crafting (as I really should be if I'm going to tackle that huge list I made) or reading, but rather surfing the net. I don't have energy for much else, even with a lot of cola in me. In a moment of quiet then, I have a chance to share a very funny story with you. This took place on Christmas Eve, and I'd nearly forgotten about it. I was reminded after reading a few friend's blogs about potty training and Elimination Communication.

We spend all our time (almost) down stairs these days, as that's where the wood stove is, and our main (and often only) source of heat. (Here I'll interject that this is my least favorite chore that I've taken over from Tom. I'm simply not a fire builder.) Hence, I change Israel on a receiving blanket on the couch. Since it was Christmas Eve he was dressed in his Christmas PJs, to look charming in pictures. Peanut only poops every 3 days or so, and as luck would have it, Christmas Eve was one of those days. As I changed him, carefully pushing his outfit far up and out of the way, I realized it wasn't too big a deal and set about cleaning him up.

I'm one of those who's never learned the lesson of putting the new diaper under the baby before you take the old one off. I guess I've just not had it be that much of a problem. Well, this time, it was a problem. Just as I was unfolding the last bit of the diaper to slide it under him, his ankles in one hand, I saw the face, heard the grunt, and watched in slow-motion horror as a new kind of "golden arch" arced its way through the air, with a trajectory ending just beyond the protective blanket. Now, I don't love my couch or anything. It's really pretty shabby and not my style, but it'll do, and I certainly don't want to be cleaning baby poop out of every little loop and crevice in the fabric. And so, I re-defined the Elimination Communication idea of "catching a poop" and stood in stunned disbelief as my son defecated all over my hand.

I won't describe for you the texture. After working on it for 3 days, Peanut's poop is not the normal baby poop texture, and anything I try to compare it to will simply reduce your enjoyment of some current culinary delight or another. Trust me on this one.

So. There I am, Christmas Eve. Tom's upstairs putting Eve to bed for the umteenth time. Don't feel sorry for him. He was the genius who decided to talk up Santa coming to visit the hour before Bed. I'm holding Israel's feet in one hand, and an unspeakable mess in the other. I can't let go for several reasons: If I do, he may manage to get poop on his Christmas PJs, or he may just roll right off the couch, and then we're talking a crying, messy baby and carpets to clean. I could grab more wipes, but I don't think they could have helped me.

As I was contemplating, puzzling, reaching into the dark recesses of creativity for a solution...he did it again. I was slightly more prepared and grabbed the end of the blanket and the half-applied, recently soiled new diaper to catch with. As clever as that may sound, I was in even more trouble now, as the poop quickly began seeping through the blanket, and there was even more poop in the proximity of the PJs.

I less determined person might have conceded and given up on keeping the PJs pristine, but that's just not me. It's a tradition to have special Christmas morning PJs for special Christmas morning pictures. I'm not going to let a little baby poop get in the way of tradition.

So I stood there like that for about 5 minutes, calling to Tom, making Peanut laugh, and laughing myself at the absurdity of it all. I did clean Peanut up, but he was still surrounded by his own waste, and I still couldn't get away to wash my hands. I wasn't calling Tom very loudly, so he moseyed down when he was ready and looked at me like I was crazy.

After all was said and done, Peanut looking smashing in his clean, sparkly Christmas PJs, and I learned that though essentially water soluble, Peanut's particular brand of baby poop does not wash off easily with soap and warm water.

One last thing. Tonight, when Eve was sitting with us and calming down a few moments before I took her to bed, I kissed her and told her I loved her, she responded by holding my hair with both hands, and saying, "I love you too, my sweet darling." Be still my heart. It was so cute and sweet. I just love her!

Let's not do that again.

2008-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

For the curious. Yes, it really is harder the second time around.

Tom had surgery yesterday, as planned. The surgery was about 15 minutes longer, and the recovery was probably 3 times as long.

Surgery from 12:30 to 1:30 or so, and we didn't get to leave until around 5. He had a really tough time. The one better thing about this time is they gave him straight narcotics that he can take every 3 hours, instead of the stuff with tylenol that he can only have every 4. I think it's helping keep the pain at bay a bit better, but he is high as a kite as a result.

Israel was great at the clinic, and only had a tough time for about 30 minutes in the car on the way home. Today, however, he decided that getting up with me at 6 was a great idea. I've been really wiped out waking up every 3 hours, and between meeting Tom's needs and peanut's, it took me until 11:30 to drink the cup of tea I originally prepared at 7 and reheated twice.

Now, I've had my tea, a bowl of yummy bean and chicken soup, and some bread, plus a coke and some chocolate. It's made me feel a bit more normal.

If I can manage to avoid having to build a fire again (which I have now done 3 times in the last 16 hours, the darn thing just keeps burning out too fast), I think things should go a bit better from here.

Under the knife

2008-01-07T13:54:00.000-08:00

Tom goes in for his second hip surgery on Wednesday.

I am trying to remain positive, but I know without a doubt that Tom's going to be in a lot of pain for at least a week, and it just tears me apart to see him so...wounded.

I was praying/thinking on my way to work today. Even if this surgery is "successful" Tom may not be back to normal, physically speaking, ever. For a guy who made his living with the strength of his body, this is quite an adjustment. Why do I think this? Well, his knee surgery was successful, but his knee is not completely back to normal. And this surgery, basically weakening his hip joint, could have a lot more long-term consequences, even if it reduces his pain.

It makes me really sad to think that we will likely never resume our physically active lifestyle. No more boating? No more Wakeboarding? No more day hikes or after-dinner walks? All this time since the accident, I've expected things to get back to normal someday, so we could resume the activities we enjoyed together. I don't feel confident of that at all today.

The reality is, Tom is probably looking at a career change. I'm thinking I really need to start adjusting my expectations in regards to the length of time I may be working. It just breaks my heart to say that, because I already feel less connected to Israel than I felt to Eve when she was this age, and I feel like this just makes it worse. I can tell by his sleeping and eating habits that my long absences two days a week have made an impact.

At work, I haven't been the star employee, but today I resolved to stop having a short-timers attitude, and start working a bit more like I value my job--which is something I should have been doing even if I won't be here long.

I feel fairly confident that Tom won't make any career decisions that would require me to work any more than I am currently, but on the other hand, he may not have that much control. I like to think that if his income changed significantly for the worse, he would also consider selling the house to get our monthly expenditures reduced somewhat, but I don't want to rely on that.

Old onesies...

2008-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

or, "Didn't I already post these?"

Looking through my archives, I'd have to say no.

Well, as per tradition, I once again failed to get a photo of an embroidered onesie I gifted to the last of the late Summer/early Autumn baby batch at church. But, if you can imagine, it was an electric guitar from the Sublime Stitching Stitch it Kit, done in blues, mainly, with a teeny, tiny pair of 16th notes on the bum. The head of the notes were french knots, of which I made judicious use throughout the piece.

And here's the one I made for Peanut! It's a Peanut, and it says Peanut on the bum! Isn't that ironic?

Of this I am quite proud, the peanut image is of my own design. Yay me!

Here is, I must say, the piece d'resistance. The long-sleeved onesie I made for Gillian

Let me just see if I can not go on too long about this one. First, the bird/banner design is courtesy of one of Jenny Hart's books. Can't recall which at the moment. I think, again, it was the stitch it kit. The little wonky heart on the bum is me. Who can't draw a symetrical heart, I ask you? Me, that's who. The text on the arms are an exact replica (as much as can be) of the tatoos Gillian's daddy has on the underside of his forearms.

If you want more details on this shirt, check out my craftster post on it, here.

Here's the one I made for Killian, born a little after Gillian...isn't it cute that they rhyme? Wouldn't that be cool if they married eachother one day? Stranger things could happen.

and the bum detail

Both designs were public use images from the web, printed, and slightly altered when I traced with the iron on transfer pen.

I'm actually a bit sad about this one. The name is in chain stitch in a modern Celtic font, and the trinity knot (I think there's a more official name for it, but I'm not certain what it is) is in heavy chain or double chain. It's a way cool stitch, but I think it might have overwhelmed the light knit t-shirt material. It will probably require ironing whenever it is washed. Plus, the design looks really simple, so the recipient's parents and other viewers may feel it was a simple thing to create, with less thought and work put into it than the Gillian top, which is not at all the case. I also wonder if it's too serious for little Killian, and maybe he would have been better suited to a monkey or a dancing veggie instead. This was much more personal, chosen and made just for him...oh well. It was a blast to make, so I'm trying not to be sad about it.

And last but not least, my new baby niece's shirt. It's long sleeved and pink, but otherwise just a normal onesie.

The bird is from the Sublime Stitching book, and the little sunshine is something I drew myself.

I think it's pretty darn cute. I didn't iron it for the pictures, so that's probably just what it will look like when baby 'melia jane (that's what Eve calls her) wears it.

So there you go, the latest batch of onesies. I have plenty more crafty goodness to share, so stay tuned. And there are two new babies at church, and at least one other gal due this month, so I'll have another bundle to share soon enough.

And a happy new year

2007-12-31T12:26:00.001-08:00

Well, I imagine by the time I get around to those promised pictures, even all *my* Christmas decorations will be repacked for the year.

Last night was the first night in a week that Israel went to bed for the night after only 1 wake up, that Eve went to bed without any wake ups, and that Israel did not get up at 6. Thank goodness, because the secret to my success is that Eve didn't go to sleep until 10, and Israel not until 11. Needless to say, getting to sleep in was a welcome relief, but ill-timed since today is a work day. I was so late that the gal I share a desk with had moved in for the day, expecting me not to come in at all.

This has been a year of high highs and low lows for us.

We welcomed a new and wonderful son, a new and wonderful niece, and a new brother-in-law. We were blessed so much by friends and family, and the mysterious and yet tangible ways in which God provides and loves us. We truly became a part of our new church and feel at home there, and continue to strengthen our friendships, even as we add to them. We received a Christmas card from an old friend I was quite certain had been killed in action (so regular was his correspondence prior to 2006), so I'm delighted to have, in essence, received him back from the dead--and with a wife as well (now I know what was keeping him so busy, or rather who.) In light of the highs, the lows don't really matter so much.

My hopes for 2008 include:
Healing, both emotionally and physically for Tom.
That my son will continue to grow as issue-free as he has so far and as his sister has.
That my daughter will continue to grow more delightful and accomplished, and perhaps just a little more tempered and tractable.
That Tom's side of the family will have no more alarming and devastating health diagnoses, and no deaths either.
That my side of the family will meet with life, health, and success. I wouldn't mind if my brothers' wives turned up expecting either.
That my crafty skills will increase and that I will be able to accomplish a rather ambitious to-do list which I've laid out for myself.
That I might have just a bit of money to spend on myself, and maybe obtain a pair of truly flattering trousers.
That I would love others in such a manner that they would know so and be blessed.
And last, but probably most importantly, that I would increase in love and knowledge of Jesus Christ.

On the third day of Christmas...

2007-12-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

I finally have a chance to post.

I hope to someday post pictures and stories of our Advent activities and Christmas parties.

I intend to post an over-full craft post to show you all the fun things I finished just in time, and those that must be gifts for later days of Christmas.

But today, I'll simply wish you the true, deep, everlasting joy of Christmas. The coming of God to earth as a child isn't over when the Christmas trappings go on clearance. His gift is for us whenever we come to recognize it.

I read a beautiful, painful post today that I must share. So go to sweet | Salty, read, and then hold your children with a new sense of appreciation for them, even in the trials. Though I know it's not a direct correlation, I can only imagine that this is akin to the pain of Mary. How sweet to hold your child in your arms, for how ever long you're allowed.

sadness

2007-12-10T09:53:00.000-08:00

I'm back at work all of a sudden. :(

November

2007-12-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

I missed an entire month. But things sure were busy, so I feel I have a good excuse.

Eve turned three. I know, I can't believe it either.

We went round and round about what kind of cake she wanted. First it was pink with pink frosting, but then she got into green with blue territory, and then purple with white...and then brown with brown (which I rejoiced over...how easy? how delicious!), but then daddy suggested a multi-colored cake, and when she saw a can of frosting with rainbow sprinkles, it was all over. I much prefer homemade cakes, and especially homemade icing, but my laziness beat out my tastebuds.

I made her a photo book to put her own photography in, because she'd been snapping quite a few shots with a few disposables we had about...

but then she got a digital from her aunt and uncle. Wow!!

no presents got the adoration they deserved at the party though, as is often the case.

Peanut enjoyed a visit from granny.

And Eve tried out her new camera

October...

2007-12-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

For all I know, this was taken in November...and he's been smiling since September...but here's one of the better shots of him smiling.

He was silently laughing at Daddy. He can't smile without his whole body being involved. He wiggles with joy. It's adorable. His laugh is hilarious too...though I'm dirt at taking video, and worse than dirt at posting video...so I'm not sure many of you will ever get the chance to hear it...I'm sorry.

For Halloween, Eve was a beautiful Angel.

A chocolate devouring angel. It's my least favorite costume yet, but my mom wanted to get it for her, and I had too much going on and no access to my sewing machine, so this was it. the "Baa sheep" costume will probably ever be my favorite.

getting pumpkins

decking pumpkins -- boy did she have fun!

Big sister, little brother

One day when Eli came to visit...their expressions here crack me up. This is Eve's awesome hand-me-down learning tower that makes a great little fort for climbing and just hanging out. Especially if your Eli's size.

Bath day

2007-12-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

This is pretty late (as in, I'm sure this was in September) but here was a bath day for the kids...all shiny and clean.

Peanut used to really like baths...but lately he's cried through every one. I'm hoping I'm just having poor timing.

2007-12-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

Mmm...egg nog...with rum...what a nice little treat.

I'd love to post some pictures of some of Eve and Peanut's latest adventures, but someone is playing Halo online so I can't get flickr to work fast enough for my tastes. click on a picture in previous posts to see the latest photos if you just can't wait.

So, instead, I'll talk about what I don't have pictures of.

I learned to knit.

Know why I learned to embroider? Because Knitting was too popular, and I hate to be a follower. But...everyone I know (only a slight exaggeration) can make totally cool stuff out of nothing but a lot of string...it's so amazing to me, so I just couldn't keep resisting something so cool out of mere pride.

So...the bad thing about this is that I am really enjoying it! No, that's not bad, but since my current embroidery project was started over a year ago, I really would like to have it done by this Christmas. But it's less fun than many of my normal projects. And, it's old. So...it keeps getting older and remains unfinished, while I've moved on from "sampler" knitting squares to a scarf for Eve.

A sweet friend of mine who recently learned to knit started on socks for her son. I'm just not that ambitious. I know a scarf is totally basic, but, Eve needs one, and I know it's an obtainable goal. Of course, when I started it last night, I had to unravel it completely. Three (yes) times. So now I'm taking it a bit slower.

I'm much too much a perfectionist--which is why I spent my first week knitting ugly yarn into a baby blanket for Eve's dolls (and I had to unravel that once too!) just so I could keep going and not obsess about the mistakes. Yay! That was actually quite freeing, which might be part of the reason I enjoyed it. With the pressure on now, you can see that I'm blogging rather than knitting (rather than embroidering).

I'm not without ambition though. I intend to sew and embroider three entirely un-begun gifts, and complete two other embroidery projects from last Christmas as well. Last year was the year of the unfinished hand-made gift. It is only December 1st, but this year may shape up much the same way.

As for knitting ambition? I have a book from the library with a skirt in it that has some really pretty lace panels. Unfortunately the instructions might as well be in Swahili for all I can decipher them.

Pictures!

2007-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

What is this face capable of?

2007-10-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

:(

2007-10-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

I got the flu this weekend. Yuck. I guess it's been a while since I had the flu, because I really can't remember the last time I felt that awful. Thursday night and Friday were the worst, but Saturday wasn't too great either. Today is better...I'm not on tylenol, and yet I'm also not shivering and feeling cold in an 80 degree room. Progress.

Tom's parents took Eve on Friday for most the day and then overnight. Friday was supposed to be a great day for us--I was going to spend all my time embroidering, and Tom was going to play Xbox 360 (did I tell you he won a free xbox 360? I'm happy for him, but not so much for me, being an xbox widow is at least as bad as being a football widow...except there is really no end to it...it's there 24/7). Well, my head was killing me all day with or without the mild drugs that I can take, and without electricity, huddled in the basement where it's warm and sunlight not exactly spilling in through the windows, I got very little embroidery done, and didn't enjoy my day in the least. And Tom was worse off--at least I could sleep and feel I was doing all I really wanted to. Tom was bored and xboxless...and he doesn't like to read or do anything crafty, so he was totally bored until about 3 P.M. when the power came back.

Thursday night after it took just a bit longer than expected to get Eve to sleep, Tom and I fought about Eve and sleeping and our vastly differing parenting philosophies. I hate when that happens. Actually, it's been long enough since we fought about parenting philosophies in general that I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking maybe Tom had come to see things my way. We called a truce fairly quickly, but it just brings up all of my conflicting thoughts on how far to go with this...do I "submit" and let him take the reigns so our children can be neither seen nor heard? That's really too harsh...he loves his kids, but he thinks that it's my refusal to let Eve cry it out in her bed that has made her a poor sleeper, he thinks co-sleeping is designed by the devil (tongue in cheek) to prohibit parental intimacy and sleep (his, specifically), and thinks that if we just bottle fed, our children would have no preference between he and I, and either of us could take care of their needs at any time of day or night. I disagree (of course, right? That's why we fight), I don't think that bottle feeding would remove the children's preference for their mom when they need compassion and comfort, and if we kicked the kids out of our bed entirely, Tom might get more sleep, but I would be up a million times a night to feed or comfort, well, unless I could somehow render myself def so I could just leave them to cry themselves back to sleep. What it comes down to, is I feel that the way he wants to do things is entirely about his comfort and convenience, while my motivation is to do what is the very best for my children, even if it costs my comfort and is inconvenient.

Sigh. It's been a constant struggle since Eve came, and it would be so nice to be at peace together about this, but I don't see that anywhere on the horizon. If I do give in...how could I? But if I did, I would feel my children were being robbed of precious and irreplacable commodities, and I'm sure I'd have to resign myself to that each day, as I would also have to forgive Tom each day or stew in unrelenting bitterness toward him for harming my children.

Either way, I can see why Tom doesn't want more kids. I really do, but it would be nice to get past the time in their lives that seems to cause us the most strife and move on to older childhood where breastfeeding is in the distant past and sleeping in their own bed is a given. Plus, we'd never have to deal with the circumcision question again or imperfect births.

Like I said, we've called a truce. I don't even know if Tom has given this stuff another thought...but I can't stop. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's best for my children, if I separate it from the fact that I don't know if I'm doing what's best for my marriage with their father, but I do know the relationships are deeply entwined. If I say I am in the wrong in my marriage, then I guess the question comes down to: What's worse for my children? My behavior toward their dad or taking away breastfeeding, responsiveness to their cries, and warmth and comfort in the middle of the dark and lonely night? I really, honestly don't know.

So...I think I might be making all this sound worse than it is...it's the conflict in my mind that is most bitter. Tom and I are doing fine, though there's always room for improvement.

And now that I'm feeling better, Peanut has the flu. Poor little guy. I guess it's good that I got it first so I know what he's going through. He was not himself last night, and now I know why. Today he's listless, but sleeping peacefully and cheerful as long as the tylenol controls his fever.

Thoughts on God

2007-10-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

Israel is 9 weeks old now. Time has flown by. It's strange, even though I wouldn't say it's been easy I was *so* afraid of how things would be with Eve, but now I see there was no reason to fear, or simply God has given me peace about it.

Eve doesn't seem jealous at all. And Peanut has been such an easy baby, I have plenty of time to spend with her. Yes, there are definitely behavioral challenges, but those are par for the course, I think, with or without a new little brother.

I've had a much better week in parenting than I was having when I last posted. I was feeling so angry and even hateful (I hate to admit it) toward Eve, and every little thing she did, even very innocent things, seemed to push all my buttons. The thoughts I had were really awful, 180 degrees from loving and gentle. As I mentioned last time, I have totally been, simply put, just too busy to spend much time with God, and doing so seemed like such a...well, waste of time when I have so many projects and responsibilities that require productivity. But, after that last post, I faced the fact that I was suffering for it, and so was my family.

So, over the past week I've been reading Amos, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and John. I'm reading Amos because that's what our Pastor is preaching on. Proverbs, because I can just choose the chapter based on the date of the month, so it's easy. Ecclesiastes on a whim, and John, because it's the gospel with which I am least familiar. I find my days simply go better, and I have more Patience and peace when I start my day relating with God before I face the challenges of parenting (and, erm...wifing?). Tom's been great in trying to give me a somewhat uninterrupted time in which to read, drink my tea, and eat breakfast.

I'm not doing any deep study, just reading and reflecting. I notice that Solomon, or whoever wrote Ecclesiastes is bitter. The great wisdom he had didn't bring him happiness or peace. Contrast this with King David, his father, and this "man after God's heart" shows that Love is better than wisdom. I am a knowledge seeker...and this, combined with some other reading I've been doing, convicted me that I need to seek God more and rely on his spirit when parenting, and that will serve me much better, not to mention my children. I can't be the parent I need to be under my own power, and when I try I feel defeated and frustrated, and my goal of having a deep and loving relationship with my children is hindered by my behavior and reactions.

Praying for guidance in parenting is not a new idea, and I've frequently in the past realized I needed to do it, and then failed to follow through, a total un-piphany.

I've also been reading Heartfelt Discipline. It's not new to me to read a different perspective on the "Rod" verses in Proverbs, but it was a fuller explanation than I'd previously had. Common Christian belief about these verses is that they constitute a Christian imperative to spank and punish our young children. One really interesting point the author made is that the word for Rod is not a symbolic word, so if you're going to implement it biblically, you're talking a big heavy stick, used to beat slaves and animals. Additionally, the age group that is being addressed, contextually in Proverbs, is young men and fathers of young men, who need to be guided to the path of life and light--not to young children.

The book reminded me, again, to seek God for guidance in parenting, and to be led by the holy spirit. It also has some practical guidelines for relating to our children. So far it's covered having sympathy for our children, and encouraging them biblically. I especially like one idea for encouragement that points back to the stone monuments in the Old Testament, which father's were supposed to point out to their children to tell them about God's faithfulness. The author suggests as a family reflecting on God's faithfulness over the past year, month, whatever, and then drawing pictures to represent those instances of God's work in our lives, and collecting those in a notebook that can be reviewed whenever we need encouragement or are facing tough times. Seems like a good Thanksgiving activity.

Catching up...

2007-09-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

So, Israel is over 6 weeks old, and I'm finally done sharing his birth story with you. A lot has occurred in the mean time.

Over the past 3 days Eve has been almost totally potty trained, including one spontaneous trip to the bathroom to poop. Yay!! Of course, today she was still wearing her overnight diaper when she decided to poop, so I haven't seen the last of those yet. But progress is good and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Israel is smiling and has been since 3 and a half weeks or so...but we've yet to get a photo of it.

I realized that I was taking a ton of pictures today of him and Eve, in a pointless attempt to make up for not taking photos as frequently as I ought. And as I was looking through them, I noticed that he's wearing the same outfit he was in an earlier batch I took. I think I had a picture of every one of Eve's outfits...he'll be lucky to be pictured in more than two.

My sister got married...I'm not sure what day...but yesterday I got a text message from her that said, "Married". That cracked me up.

Tom is making progress in healing, but not so much that he can go without crutches without really paying for it.

I'm struggling. I know that there's some hormonal shift going on that is causing me to feel PMSy. I know that will pass, but it makes things tougher. I'm trying not to dwell on the thoughts and feelings elicited by my latest Doc appointment, but I can't help it. And I seem to be filled with anger toward Eve. I don't feel at all like I'm exhibiting Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control. I haven't been doing much in the way of Bible study, or even Bible reading, I can't keep up on housework, and yet I really can't figure out where all the time is going. I rarely leave the house because Israel isn't a fan of the car (he's better than Eve, but it's just still so unpleasant) and not to mention I have to drive the beast. I'm feeling a bit isolated. All in all, it's been a tough few weeks for me.

But let's get on to some pictures.

These were taken in early September, so Peanut was around 3 weeks old.

Here's cousin Karl and Eve (sporting very similar hair styles) and Peanut.

Eve in brown...I think it may be her best color.

Conversations

2007-09-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I'm not in the mood for detail. Me? I know, unbelievable.

I've written down the details of my conversation with my OB, and have decided though I want to share it, I also really do not. suffice it to say, next time, if there is a next time, I will be doing things somewhat differently. I look on Eve's birth with new appreciation, and will probably be sad over Israel's for some time--not just sad for Israel and myself, but sad for my doctor as well. He is a great doctor and I trust and respect him, and my dialog with him helped me to see I've been selfish and a bit reckless. Perhaps it is shame that makes me wish to keep this small event private. Goodness knows I share almost everything else, right? Perhaps too much.

I want to make it clear here that the doc was in no way attempting to cause me to feel guilty. It was a very respectful and constructive conversation.

As for my conversation with the Hospital Director, that was a much less memorable conversation, and a great deal less important. For one, it was mostly just an apology...which is nice but powerless. Nothing in our conversation will change me in the least, as I didn't need an apology to forgive. She did say those two nurses tend to be the worst offenders and that her goal is to "get to yes" with every mother. Her philosophy is pretty family friendly.

The policy of no "visitors" at shift change is due to HIPPA restrictions and no place for the nurses to congregate and speak privately and keep an eye on the babies at the same time.

There is no policy against parents being present when the IVs are placed.

She felt it was a communication issue, and felt very bad that I was caused so much distress by a couple of less sensitive nurses. I don't know that anything will change because of my letter, but the nurses will be spoken to. I guess that's enough.

The End?

2007-09-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

It's possible that I've told enough of the story that this could be my last Birth Story/Hospital Saga post. Wouldn't that be nice?

So, what didn't make it into the letter....

I was exhausted by about 9 P.M....which is when they kicked me out of the nursery the second time, when Peanut needed a break. whatever.

I couldn't sleep, of course. so I rested from about 10 to 11, when they told me I could come back. Tom was resting too, and when I asked him if he wanted to come, he politely declined.

In addition to telling me I wasn't allowed in when I got there, they gave me some other bad news. When I told them I'd like to come back soon--because when I talked to the pediatrician the second time that evening, he'd said it would probably be okay to feed Israel at Midnight--they said something like "Oh no. Dr. so and so said you definitely may not feed him tonight." I burst into tears and went back to my room. I hope I never have to see that silly on-call doc for an office visit at the pediatrician's office, as I'd have a hard time not giving her a piece of my mind.

I'm sure if I could have gotten my pediatrician's opinion on the matter at that time, that he would have given the green light, because when I'd talked to him a little before 8 that night, he said that Israel was doing surprisingly well (no surprise to me, but anyway) and that in these matters it's important that you look to the patient and proceed accordingly, and that he may be ready to be fed as early as midnight. The doctor on call probably just didn't take a look at the situation when she was last in--probably not long after the last time my ped. saw him, quite honestly--and just read the report on what had happened and made the same call my ped. had to begin with.

At the time, I was really happy to be laboring during the day time and to have the baby at a time of day that would allow a fairly normal night's sleep to follow. However, looking back, since Israel wasn't okay enough to be with me, I really wish I'd had him in the early morning like I'd had Eve--that way my Ped. would have been working and available to assess Israel's state more than 4 or 5 hours after his birth.

Anyway...the postpartum nurses were concerned for me coming back from the nursery crying hysterically, and Tom got pretty freaked out when I got back in. I've only just now considered that Tom might have thought something much worse was going on than rude nurses and bad decisions by on-call doctors. (I hate that about all the clinics I go to for care--I don't trust other doctors the way I trust my doctors. I detest having to ever rely on them for advice or decisions, because I can never be sure they are as invested in the situation as my own doctors, and I know nothing about their judgment in general.) Poor Tom, I wonder what went through his mind. Once I got out what had happened, between sobs, I just cried in his arms for a while. He was very sweet and understanding. I have such a wonderful husband.

I had been avoiding the pump and the need to pump until that point, as I'd been hoping to just get to breastfeed soon. However, I decided that just possibly pumping would help me. I could maybe get enough stimulation to produce some good hormones and maybe even some uterine contractions. I pumped for the first time ever with a double electric, and it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be, although I still feel hand pumps are superior. I got probably two teaspoons worth of colostrum in about 15 minutes.

I was sore from sitting up and didn't really want to keep pumping, and of course, I was still really tired. I was also really angry. I let bitterness creep in, and honestly, I think it might still be there in my heart. I need to take care of that and forgive those lousy nurses and the lousy on call doctor, and probably my own pediatrician as well...and anyone else I might hold responsible for the way things went. sigh. That realization just hit me. It's funny...I might still need to forgive my previous OB...and both the nurses who placed IVs in me....I bet if I gave it some time, I could think of even more. I'll have to take care of that today. It could take a while to go through the list.

So, looking back, I think the nurses kicked me out at 9 partly because I was so tired, and gave me a bogus time to return because they didn't expect me to be conscious until much later.

After pumping I took Demerol because it wasn't time for the next dose of Ibuprofen and I was hurting. I'm not sure if I could have fallen asleep then without the influence of Demerol, but Demerol certainly didn't give me a good night's sleep. I woke up at least 3 times between whenever I actually fell asleep and 6:30 A.M. when the Ped. finally came back. And each time, my mind raced with repetitions of the events following Israel's birth, and my fear that this forced separation would adversely effect our nursing relationship grew. I couldn't keep myself from being worried that all those struggles I'd read about in the La Leche League magazine would become my own struggles, but that I wouldn't be able to face them or conquer them. Tom, as wonderful as he is, is not the biggest breastfeeding proponent. I had visions of myself hysterical over trying to feed my baby and Tom saying off-handedly to simply give him formula and be done with it. I had such any easy time initiating breastfeeding with Eve that I don't know if I'm equipped to handle breastfeeding obstacles combined with the same--or even more pronounced--lack of support at home that I experienced with Eve. I prayed and prayed that God would still my fears and give me peace. And he would, and I would sleep, but each waking brought a renewal of those fears and a disruption of peace.

With a clear mind, a weight-gaining son, and the period of breastfeeding initiation behind us, I cannot say what exactly I expected to go wrong, but the possibilities seemed endless.

I want to mention here as well, that Tom has been much more supportive this time around, in all ways really, but specifically in regards to breastfeeding. We are both in such a better place spiritually and in our life and marriage, it's amazing the difference that makes.

I woke up when the Pediatrician came, just like he said at like 6:30. He said I could breastfeed and that Israel was doing great. He encouraged me to go down to the nursery as soon as possible.

It's a good thing I got at least some sleep the night before, because I tried for quite some time to wake Israel up, and he simply wouldn't...I got him to suck literally once. If I'd been a bit more tired, I'm sure I would have been hysterical, because this simply seemed to confirm that breastfeeding was going to be an uphill battle. Discouraged and uncomfortable in the nursery (even though the staff was different and much more friendly), and still tired enough, I left the nursery and my baby by choice for the first time. I went back to sleep, had breakfast, and then saw my OB before heading back down for what I just knew would be a painful and failing attempt to breastfeed Israel again at around 10:30.

Happily, my fears were unfounded, because this time he was waking up and hungry and ready to go. He latched on well and stayed on for about 12 minutes before falling asleep again. I'm sure I was grinning from ear to ear, because not only did this mean breastfeeding was not utterly doomed to failure, it also meant that we could take Israel to our room, and I wouldn't have to deal with the nursery staff anymore and I could hold him and breastfeed him all I wanted.

The rest of our hospital stay was fairly uneventful. Nursing continued to go well, although I rushed laying down to nurse with this lazy boy and ended up with one side blistered, cracked and bleeding because he wouldn't maintain a good latch in that position. I had to deal with that for a couple weeks.

My OB kept me in the hospital over concerns about elevated blood pressure, which looked significantly better once breastfeeding was initiated, so I'm sure it was all emotionally induced. Israel had to stay until 24 hours from his first feeding. We were discharged at 9:45 PM on the 16th--we had our 10th anniversary dinner in the hospital. Not quite what I'd have in mind for unforgettable, although it surely will be so.

Indeed, the end, although I still have some related posts regarding the call from the Hospital Director and my recent discussion with my OB.

The further adventures of Israel in the Nursery

2007-09-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

If there was a way to change the font in the title there to make "Nursery" be in that halloween-y font, I'd be all over it. Come to think of it, there probably is, but I'm too lazy to spend that much time looking for something like that.

I really wanted to get this up yesterday, on International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Happy belated ITLAPD to ye anyway. ;)

So, due to what I felt was pretty awful treatment by the staff in the Nursery at the hospital, I wrote a letter. I'm usually a fairly...hmm, how shall I put this...I simply don't get real bent out of shape over things. However, I felt it was bad enough that something needed to be said. I got a call from the Director of the the Women and Children's care at the hospital yesterday in response to this letter. I'll tell you about that next time.

Dear Mr. Bosch,

I gave birth to my second child at the Harrison Medical Center in Silverdale, WA in the afternoon on August 14th, 2007. In my discharge papers, I received a card, signed by yourself, that states that “exceptional care” and “Service Excellence” are your priority at Harrison. I’m writing to give to you my thoughts on how well your hospital met my expectations.

I will begin by saying that the L&D nurse we had toward the end of my labor was truly excellent. Her name is Patti, and I was extremely pleased to have her be a part of my baby’s birth.

My baby needed extra care after birth because he did not begin to breathe on his own for around 5 minutes. Hospital policy required him to be transferred to the nursery. I did not get to hold my child until he was over an hour old.

It’s a well-documented fact that newborn babies and post-partum mothers fare better when they are not separated. At Harrison, knowledge of this fact is evident in the policies followed for healthy babies who need no special care or monitoring. I commend you and your staff for the general rooming-in policy you follow.

However, I’m deeply disappointed that the same policy is not followed for all babies at Harrison. By the time I reached the nursery, my son was merely being monitored, and did not need any artificial breathing support. It appeared to me that babies could be monitored from the in-room stations in which my child was initially cared for immediately after birth, leading me to believe that, at least in the case of my son, his presence in the nursery had more to do with the convenience of the neo-natal nurses than with his wellbeing. The very babies that could benefit most from close contact with their mother are denied that right. This doesn’t seem like baby-friendly care, let alone the best care.

I know that other hospitals in the area do all they can to keep mothers and babies together, even when the babies need extra care. Knowing that any baby with a truly serious condition is transferred to other area hospitals with NICUs, I would think with some extra effort to provide the “exceptional care” you promise, the need for a nursery at Harrison could be virtually eliminated.

Perhaps I would be less distressed by being physically separated from my son for the first 20 hours of his life had I found the nursery staff themselves and the nursery policies to be more mother/baby-friendly. Instead, I got the distinct impression that the nurses on duty the afternoon and evening of my son’s birth were more concerned with what they were doing than with who they were doing it for.

When I left the hospital, I took home a safe and healthy boy, so I assume the nurses were qualified and adept at the technical aspect of their jobs. However, they were completely lacking in compassion.

To begin with, I was only given about 40 minutes with my son before being told it was time for me to leave in order for them to give him an IV. We were given the impression that this would be a process that took an hour or so, however several hours later when my husband went to see his son with some visitors, he was denied entrance because they were still working on the IV. I am not a medical professional, but the IV placed during my labor took only a few minutes, why would it take several hours for my son? Additionally, the policy that parents not be allowed to be present when the IV is put in is unacceptable. Yes, it’s probably distressing to watch, but the baby does not belong to Harrison hospital, he belongs to his parents. That fact was completely ignored by the nurses on duty during my son’s first hours of life.

After finally being allowed back into the nursery after many hours and finding multiple poke-marks on my son, I was told to leave, again after less than an hour with my son. The nurses said he “needed a break” which is the silliest concept I’ve ever heard from the lips of someone who’s supposed to know about the needs of a newborn. My son needed to be skin to skin with me, since he wasn’t supposed to breastfeed, he needed to be held close to receive the benefits of Kangaroo care. But he wasn’t allowed to have me near him for any length of time.

I was told to come back in a few hours, specifically at 11:00 PM. When I arrived at that time, I was denied entrance because it was shift change and time for reports. Why should reports prohibit a mother from being with and caring for her baby? And why would I be told to return at the very time the nursery is “closed to visitors.” And when does a child’s mother count as a “visitor?”

The behavior of the nurses, and possibly the policies behind that behavior seemed cold and callous. If a mother is forced to be away from her newborn, she, not to mention the baby, deserves the utmost consideration and gentleness. It was devastating to me to not be able to initiate breastfeeding within the first hour of my baby’s life, a situation that the hospital staff had no control over. The inconsiderate behavior of the nurses and the policies that kept me physically separated from my child for nearly a full day added greatly to my distress during a vulnerable emotional time, causing me to withdraw from even family visitors and making simple tasks seem insurmountable.

Luckily, my baby is resilient, and I think we are well bonded despite our forced separation. Your facility implies you hold the mother/baby relationship in high regard. But this mother was only allowed to even be near her baby for a few hours out of the first day of his life, a situation his “condition” did not warrant. The responsibility for that rests in the hands of those who work and determine policy in the nursery. I did not find Harrison to be friendly in that regard.

I’m disappointed that though I can praise my Obstetrician, your L&D department, and even my post-partum nurses for providing excellent care and consideration, I cannot praise the nursery staff for the same thing. I take pride in Kitsap County and love to support local businesses and facilities. I am sad to say that I do not believe I can continue to do so with Harrison. If another child is in our family’s future, I will likely be traveling to Seattle or Jefferson County in order to give birth in a location where I know my and my baby’s needs will be given more consideration, and where I can expect true mother/baby friendliness even in the face of difficulties.

Sincerely,

Updates and ramblings

2007-09-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

I'll do a post on more of my hospital stay next time...for now, here's the latest.

Tom's doing well, and trying to use a cane instead of crutches. I'm not actually sure that's advisable, but he's a grown man and I'm not his mother, and really, no amount of nagging or chastisment has ever gotten me anywhere with him.

Eve wore big girl panties all day after about 10 this morning until her bed time. She did great! Of course, she never had to do more than pee...so I think we lucked out on that one. Her behavior has been better though not perfect--I don't except perfection. However, I do find myself a lot less patient with her than I usually am. I'm sure that has something to do with lack of sleep. I think she's been waking up early (like around midnight last night...makes for a long night for me) is because she's falling out of bed. She fell out tonight about 45 minutes after she went to sleep...so now she's back in bed far from the edge. Maybe that means I'll get my side of the bed mostly to myself for a while tonight. :)

This evening Tom took the van to his IT side job and was gone for about 5 hours. Why is it that dinner time is when everyone melts down? Israel and I had troubling communicating...I wasn't doing a great job of teaching him he can count on me, or teaching him he doesn't need to wail to get what he needs, and he was not being very clear about whether or not he was hungry.

I had this totally inconvenient convenience food thing to cook--it's a "kit" that comes with, essentially, noodles, a can of condensed cream soup, breadcrumbs and what I think was mostly powdered milk with some spices and garlic powder. You add your own chicken and veggies and it's supposed to take 35 minutes or so in the oven. Well...I think it took me closer to twice that amount of time. With lots of back and forth of trying to figure Israel out and keeping Eve from coloring on my embroidery pattern sheets and other such things. and all in all, though it wasn't bad, it wasn't great, and I would have been equally happy with soup, cheese and crackers, and it would have left me with much less to take me away from Israel.

I had to pray to keep from loosing my temper, because I just have a tendency to kind of blow up when I'm hungry and slightly sleep deprived. I wasn't mad at any body, just mad at the situation...like why does Israel have to have his most fussy and confusing night yet when my husband isn't home and I have to make dinner? It just seems unfair. I had the baby in my arms and was heading down stairs to get the bouncy seat in a last ditch effort to be able to open the 400 degree oven to check the chicken for done-ness, and I really wanted to just kind of yell, probably something along the lines of wondering why Tom has to choose the worst times to work and why does it always take 3 times longer than he expects? But instead, I prayed, and that helped.

And when I did pull the food out of the oven finally and could put Israel in the sling, I was able to eat and feed Eve and after that, things got smooth, because Israel was not hungry, he was tired and couldn't fall asleep on his own, and 2 minutes in the sling solved it. I wish there was some way to safely cook and sling. I could wear him on my back, and I did earlier today, but it simply isn't a quick enough process for me to be able to do while he's crying.

Tom got home earlier than I expected...that was a nice surprise.

I hate it when my babies cry. It's not just the normal mom thing either--unless all moms are neurotic. Now, I'm sure there's no factual basis to this, so I am trying to stop thinking this way, but I have this fantastical theory that if I could just keep my baby from every having to cry to get my attention in the early days, that they would basically only cry when in pain, because in order to get their needs met they've never needed to cry and so never do. Somehow, no matter how hard I try, or how good my intentions are, I never attain the responsive perfection. It frustrates me, but I know I can't be perfect, so I should just get over it. However, I do see it work the opposite way in the short term. Peanut got into a fever-pitch because he was hungry and I didn't realize it (because he'd filled up and then flat out refused a very short time before his tummy started eating its self--Tom's term for "he's hungry"). I fed him, and he relaxed. But then he needed his diaper changed and then he was tired and couldn't fall asleep. Normally, those things don't make him cry, but tonight they did. Sigh, poor little guy--and poor you too, if you could follow that paragraph, you deserve a gold star.

more tears

2007-09-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

I shook and cried for most of the post-birth events. I never had another contraction after the head came out. That is, until the next day when the after pains started, and those were pretty darn uncomfortable.

I had a very minor tear on my episiotomy scar, 3 stitches. Yay! Except, I also had a fairly major and very high labial tear. The doc didn't mention how many stitches, but I'm still feeling some pain from it, so I know it wasn't just a scratch.

At some point during labor, but before transition, I'd had a HEPLOCK placed. Aside from mary paying no attention to the fact that my doc fully supported shorter time periods on the EFM at more frequent intervals, this was the worst part of the labor for me, because for one, the nurse did it wrong, and two, they insisted I get on the bed and lay down. I want them to get better at their jobs so that next time around, I can be where ever I'm at and get that silly thing put in. I told the nurse who placed it, as did Kim and probably Ashia, that it simply had to be in my arm rather than my hand, becuase last time, it hurt so much to hold my hand in any position but nutral that it drove me nuts, who needs added irritation during labor? I guess this nurse didn't get it (big surprise) and so it was in my wrist. Again, it was like a torture device meant to make labor just a tad more painful. I had to be careful the whole labor to rest on my forearm on the left side rather than brace myself with my hand, otherwise, I'd get a nice shooting pain in my arm. grrr.

Anyway, after the baby was out and I was in the hospital bed, I got hooked up to pitocin, seeing as there wouldn't be any natural nursing stimulation coming from my baby. And had that awful tummy punching--nurses can be so mean!

I pushed the placenta out and the glimpse I got of it looked pretty good. Although having seen none in real life before, I can't be entirely sure. The cord did look rather short, even accounting for the part that had already been cut off, but once again, I don't really know what normal looks like. I wish I could have gotten a closer look at everything, just because I'm curious that way.

It seemed like forever that I was getting stitched up. I kept apologizing that I couldn't stop shaking, but the doc and nurse both assured me that it wasn't causing him any difficulties. I wasn't so worried about making his job hard, I just wanted to be stitched up really well. :)

all the while, I was crying. Ashia and Kim were both so kind and encouraging through all of the scary times, and though Ashia had to leave fairly quickly, Kim assured me she would stay until I could see the baby. My wonderful big sister, Greta, came in. She was the only one of my family (aside from her own children) in the hospital when Israel was born. And of course, all of Tom's family was otherwise engaged in various emergencies and life. My sister was in awe of me, having heard my loud vocalizations during pushing. I did scream, but it wasn't so much a pained scream, as just what my body needed to do to facilitate and manage the powerful contractions. Saddly, rather than inspiring her to try natural birth for her own birth, coming in November, it confirmed her desire for another c-section. :( I was really happy she was there though. I longed for someone who would mother me, and my sister has always done so. She's the best person in the world to have around when you're ill or hurt, just full of kind compassion.

I really wanted Tom with me too, but I didn't want him to leave Israel, and he didn't.

I was really a mess--those of you who've done this yourself know what I'm talking about--so the nurse encouraged me to shower if I wanted to before I headed down to the nursery. A part of me wanted to get to the nursery as soon as possible, but I knew once I got there, I wouldn't want to leave, so Kim and Ashia helped me take a quick shower. They joked with me about how I probably never thought I'd have a couple women standing around holding the soap and the shower curtain while I showered in my birthday suit. Ha ha, I worked at a swimming pool when I was 15 doing life guard work and assisting swim instructors (it's where I met Tom), the women's staff locker room was a good introduction to becoming less inhibited about ones body around other women. This was something that really shocked my christian school sports team compatriots later on...he he.

Just as I finished dressing, the pediatrician came in. He told me Israel was doing well, and that his counts had stayed great the whole time and though he didn't say so, I knew he meant to reassure me that there was no concern about brain damage. He then said that the baby needed to be monitored because he still wasn't breathing as well as he should be. This was distressing, but the next thing he said was much worse. He told me that the baby had been really stressed, and that because under stress blood flow is diverted to vital organs (heart, lungs, brain, etc.) and away from less vital ones, like the digestive system, it was important not to feed the baby right away. I've never had my head buzz, except when extremely exerting myself physically (like running too hard for long periods of time) but it did so now. I felt dizzy and it was hard to hear. I sat down and willed myself not to cry.

Looking back with a clear head, I'm not sure following the pediatrician's advice was the best course of action. I have a lot of respect for this doctor, he has been great to work with, and he was Tom's pediatrician and Tom's parent's neighbor. He'd also really helped out with recent advice to Tom regarding his back injury and had assisted us when Tom had injured his hand a few years ago when Tom didn't have health insurance. In general, he's great. However, I know from reports from other moms that he's not fanaticly supportive of breastfeeding. He supports it, because, of course, the evidence of its benifits is overwhelming, but he is not a "breastfeeding at almost any cost" type.

He said that generally the concern with smaller babies is necratizing of the intestines, requiring surgery later and possibly causing life-long problems. I kind of asked what the concern for big babies was, and I think I didn't get a great answer, possibly because larger babies weren't as commonly stressed as the small ones. It was a very fuzzy conversation for me. I asked when I could breastfeed him, and the doctor said we needed to wait a bit and see how Israel did.

I just sat there when the doc left and cried. Ashia, who's a La Leche League leader, was so encouraging and supportive, as was Kim. And I know that they asked questions of the doc on my and Israel's behalf. well, this just meant I was going to have to stay in the nursery even more and hold him skin to skin and breastfeed him as soon as it was safe to do so.

It was about this time that I was getting ready to leave the room, drying my tears and heading for the nursery that my parent's arrived with Eve. Did I already mention that they had to take over Eve-sitting for the birth? Tom's parent's had to help with Hunter, Eve's 13 year old cousin and Tom's sister's son who had to be life-flight-ed to Seattle that morning. Anyway, as soon as I saw Eve, and knowing how much she was looking forward to meeting the baby, and how much I wanted to be cheerful for her, I started crying. My mom told me later that Eve told her that she doesn't like to see me sad. Such a sweet girl. But crying in front of her just added to my distress. It was worse that I couldn't hold and hug her like I really wanted to.

I did finally make it to the nursery. And he looked so good and was so wonderful to cuddle. I did feel a whole lot better with him in my arms.

Quick update

2007-09-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

There's the post-op patient making a silly face. And the cute little guy actually awake! That pic was taken on Saturday of last week, some 30 hours after surgery.

Since I last updated you, we went to Seattle to have the stitches removed this past Thursday afternoon. Not a great time for traveling to and from Seattle, it made for a long, late night. But, everything looked good and I got to see Tom in some really cool shorts made of paper. :)

His patience with recovery is beginning to wear thin. Yesterday he was pretty down. Bored, frustrated, in pain.

Eve seems to be losing patience as well. Today she told my mom that she wanted to spend the night there again (second night in a row) because daddy is busy playing video games and mama is busy giving Peanut nummy nums.

Friday as I was fighting her to get her strapped into her carseat, she was totally uncooperative. It went through my mind that the way she was acting really motivated me to spank her hand to just get her to stop for a minute. the rational side of me of course knew that she wouldn't stop, she'd go farther into hysteria.

Just as I was thinking all this and telling her she needed to turn so I could get the strap over her shoulder, and physically attempting to help her do so, she wound up and slapped me so hard in the face that it didn't stop hurting for 30 minutes. my reaction was immediate, I gasped and smacked her right back. Angry and more angry at my reaction, I told her it was completely unacceptable to hit me, and then stepped back to say how angry I was, and take a few breaths. I had peanut in the wrap, and was driving Tom's beast of a van (because mine is having transmission problems), so the whole thing was more difficult to begin with. I was at a low level of frustration all day due to Eve's behaviors and having to drive this van, and because on our way to our errand I'd hit every red light possible, and Peanut cried hard whenever we weren't moving.

Ugh. I'm so frustrated with myself for that reaction. I felt terrible after I did it. And yet still really angry at her, and still wanting to do some sort of more correct discipline to teach her that hitting me is not okay. I did tell her it wasn't okay for me to hit her either, and I asked her forgiveness.

I'm definitely feeling somewhat hopeless. My only consolation is she hadn't had a nap and was more tired than usual. So, maybe her bad behavior was due to that more than anything, but she kind of woke up on the wrong side of bed that day anyway. Sigh. I know it's been tough for her to deal with Tom being chair-bound and mostly glued to the TV (I am not a fan of having a TV in our living room, but since Tom isn't much of a reader, it was important that we have something to keep him entertained. So he watched TV, movies, and plays the borrowed Xbox 360 his brother loaned us. And tends to tune everything else out, Eve included. And I've been just feeling haggard and busy, and part of the reason I hate the TV is because I get sucked in and distracted myself. And for the past few days, Peanut has been on a growth spurt and nursing a ton more.

I definitely need to show her some grace.

I'm a slacker

2007-09-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I even slack on my slacking. Here's the thing, there's just so much to do during my "free time" that I simply can't keep up. I'm actually reading a novel. And you know how that can get--I'll just finish this page...uh, section...uh, chapter...and then I'll do the dishes (or, thank you cards :)) and all of a sudden, I'm halfway through the next chapter. So I chose not to even pick it up today. But having neglected my email and blogs and whatnot, I think I'm running short on time now anyway. So we'll just see how far we get.

I am going to just stick to the birth story in this post, and probably post later today (I hope) on family updates and that long forgotten subject I was so fond of before Israel...discipline, specifically of the toddler variety.

So, last time, I left myself laboring on the bed.

It was as I was staring at the mattress during or between a contraction that I had some, well, not very natural birthy thoughts. I thought...maybe I could just ask for a c-section...and, I bet the fact that I really feel like asking for drugs right now means that it's too late to get them anyway. I am pretty sure I kept these thoughts to myself. I never really wanted the drugs, because I kept telling myself that it's not as bad as it could possibly get. I'd only want drugs if it got the worst it was going to get...but I knew I didn't want drugs, period. Does any of that even make sense? The c-section on the other hand? Well, now that I've witnessed Tom's post-op discomfort from arthroscopic hip surgery, I'm pretty sure major abdominal surgery recovery is way more than I want to endure, pain-wise. But I was so concerned (that is, ahem, frightened) about a repeat of the pain I'd had from recovering from the episiotomy I'd had when Eve was born (and rightly so) that I genuinely thought I'd rather have a c-section. At least, that's what the irrational, emotional side of me wanted. The rational side who wrote my birth plan and went in to natural birth with eye's wide open, of course said, no, which is why I remained silent.

I took a potty break and had to endure a double peaking contraction with no one putting counter pressure on my back. That was kind of a tough one.

When I came back out I switched to the birth ball.

and labored there until I started to feel pushy...not full blown pushing, just a little at the peak of each contraction. At that point, there was enough pressure, that I had to stand up off the ball during contractions.

In between I would relax...totally. Good thing Ashia was behind me. :)

grrr...hated those straps.

Here's an interesting shot...you can see the shape of the baby on the lower left (your right) of my belly. Weird.

Transition was kind of, well, a blur. I don't remember anything really distinct about it. I had a general feeling of being sick...but not really intense, not like I was going to throw up at any moment or anything. And then I was sort of all of a sudden feeling that pushy at the peak feeling I mentioned.

Here's my awesome doctor checking up on me. He did chastise me a teensy bit for not coming in over the possibly broken water concern, but that just meant no checking, which was fine. He came in once early in order to officially admit me, but after I was on the ball, and then when I was feeling pushy. I'm pretty sure that's a picture of that second visit, he stayed. Everything seemed to happen quickly. That's really a good thing as far as I'm concerned.

So the first and only time I was checked was by my doc and at the point where I felt like pushing. All I had to do was roll forward on the ball...no forcing me back into the bed or anything awful like that.

My water broke as I was being checked. The doc told me not to push for the next few contractions because I was a very...I think he used the word floppy...9...but the very next contraction after my water broke was so intense, and I had such an overwhelming urge to push, that through the next two contractions I kind of screamed (more than kind of, I think) "I'm trying not to push! I can't help it!" at which point I would groan trying not to push but pushing anyway. After the second contraction like that, the doctor told me to relax and not worry about it and just push when I felt like it.

What a relief!

So, Kim saw that I wasn't comfortable during contractions on the ball, and since I was pushing they kind of asked what I wanted to do. I was pretty out of it, as far as conversation goes, so I just repeated that I didn't care as long as I didn't have to lay down.

Kim asked the doc if it was okay if I labored on the birth stool, and he was cool with it (isn't that awesome?! I told you!) as long as I turned around so he had room to get to me. So, between contractions, I turned and was switched, and at this point had a new nurse named Patti--who was totally great for all the reasons Mary was not. She was just what I needed, quiet and patient and encouraging.

I don't think I pushed very long, I think it was very few contractions, but the specifics like how many pushing contractions I had, or how many were on the birth stool are fuzzy.

The doctor was patient and quiet, and the baby's heart rate stayed great the whole time, unlike Eve, which at the time I thought meant we were golden.

I now know I never got to the really painful crowning part of pushing with Eve. They vacuumed her out as she was just beginning to crown. My memories of pushing with Eve is that it was a welcome relief after the intense, right-on-top-of-another contractions of transition.

This time around, I was really surprised by the pain. It was so much worse than I expected, and seemed to last so much longer. I guess I was expecting it only to be painful right before the head came all the way out. I was wrong. It hurt from the moment the baby started to crown and only felt better after the head was out. I know I said, "I don't know why I liked this part so much before." and, "This really hurts" and other such exclamations of surprise.

Kim made sure I touched the baby's head once just as he was beginning to crown. It was an important thing to me as I was planning for the birth, but when I was right there in it, I really didn't want to do it. Not so much because I didn't want to touch his head, but because it was a lot more comfortable to simply leave my hands where they were, bracing me and keeping me upright. Kim was firm though. :)

After I got his head more than half out, I had to keep pushing to get his chin out, at which point things got...less smooth.

The doctor was, again, very patient, but very firm in his instructions to me. The cord was very tight around Israel's neck, and the doc couldn't unloop it because it was too short. So, he cut the cord while baby was still mostly inside, and then he had me push, I think when I wasn't having a contraction, in order to get the baby all the way out. Israel paused kind of at his middle, and then slid out into the doctor's arms.

Did I mention that the doctor was on the floor in front of me? Yeah, he spread out some pads and pulled his table over and sat on the floor in front of the stool.

That shot is during crowning.

So, there's baby in the doc's lap, and he's suctioning baby and trying to stimulate him and I notice a few things:

Israel looks huge and his body is blue and his head is purple. And, he's really floppy.

I was feeling really great about how all of labor and delivery went, and kind of waiting to see what would happen, but I think I knew right away I wasn't going to have the baby handed to me. I think part of it was I couldn't just have him set on me, I was sitting upright completely, not reclining, and no where to recline to. This went through my head as I recalled my conversation with the doctor in which he said unless the baby was in really rough shape, and not at all responsive, he would give mom the baby and do what needed doing right there. But after half a minute or so during which I encouraged Israel, the doc struggled to stand up with the rolling cart beside him and the baby in his arms.

Israel was whisked away to the crash cart just as Eve had been, except Eve had been pink and crying.

You already know that the end of the story is a healthy little boy, but it was pretty scary at the time. I knew that if this doc took the baby, it was serious.

Tom says it took Israel 5 minutes to begin breathing on his own. So I figure it was at least 7 minutes from the time his cord was cut.

It was pretty awful as they transferred me to the bed to not hear my baby cry. I kept waiting for it, but it never came. And I did start to flip out and cry. It never really entered my mind that he wouldn't live, but I was pretty concerned that he would have brain damage, and just really upset that I couldn't hold him and bond with him and see him.

Tom, on the other hand, as he watched them bag him so his little chest would inflate and deflate, kept expecting the doc to turn to him and say, "I'm sorry." Poor Tom. No wonder he tells me he doesn't want to be in the labor and delivery room. And no wonder he says I have a lot of work to do to convince him to have another. I'll leave that in God's hands, because it will be quite a while before I'm ready for another anyway, and God can change Tom's heart and mind--I really don't have that kind of power.

After about 10 minutes they felt Israel was stable enough to move to the nursery, Tom held him up to me so I could see him and touch his face. It was so hard to just lay there as they took him away.

In my preparation for birth, and in all my prayers for specifics of the birth to go well, I did always ask that Israel come safely and healthy, but it never really entered my mind that his situation could be worse than Eve's. I just assumed he'd be okay, and with his heart rate so good the whole time (even after the cord was cut) I couldn't imagine there'd be anything that would keep him from being in my arms right away. I suppose that will be a big topic of my preparation and prayers for number 3 (if that happens).

In the end, he was safe and healthy. Both my doctor and the baby's doctor told me that all his stats were great, blood oxygen level and heart rate included, he just wouldn't breath.

I think that's more than enough for one post. Stay tuned for post-baby details.

Another installment, but not the finale

2007-09-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

So, Today was most certainly Peanut's roughest day. He actually cried because he was hungry. Except when I've deliberately put him off (I know, bad mama!) he's never cried when he's hungry. Today it seemed like he cried every darn time he wanted to nurse. I guess I didn't realize I was missing his early signals. I don't think I was that busy today.

I also finished writing the complaint letter to the hospital. I hope it comes across as reasonable rather than over-the-top dramatic and that it's not written off as just the result of postpartum emotionalism.

Complaint letter? Oh yeah. We'll get to that. That is kind of post-birth so we'll talk about that later.

Tom's doing well. He's expiramenting with not being on the meds constantly. This is giving him some painful moments, but it's definitely helped him get up a bit more and move around since he's not so light-headed and sleepy.

More labor story...

So the car ride wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I was in labor with Eve Tom packed some towels onto the front seat and I sat up there like I always would, but it was excruciatingly painful. One of my friends has shared with me that having been through labor, she now knows it's going to be pretty tough and has aprehension about it. Not me, I felt confident I could do it, and felt more like "bring it on--except the car ride." It's only a 10 minute drive or so from home to the hospital, and the first time around, it was one of the worst 10 minutes of my life.

This time, Kim rode with us, and her and I were stashed in the back among the luggage, me on a pile of blankets, and Kim rubbing my back during contractions. There was a great air vent right up by my face, which was soooo welcome. I hardly wanted to get out, quite honestly.

Based on some recorded times from Kim's notes on the labor, I think we got to the hospital right around 1 P.M.

If only there were some flattering pictures of me at this point in pregnancy. Anyway. Notice the orange skirt...and the orange drink in that water bottle! It was watered down Tang, and I drank quite a bit of it during labor. I've never been a big Tang fan, but it seemed like a good idea to drink something besides water to keep my electrolytes up as well as my energy. Now I've decided Tang's not so bad.

I'm all about fixing up those triceps....

There is where all the magic happens. ;-)

I started out having to fight with the Labor and Delivery nurse, Mary. Not my favorite person in the world. I wasn't sure what it was I didn't like about her. She was too perky, and a little condescending--treating me like a child rather than an adult. I know some people like that from a nurse, but I really only want my mom to treat me like that, and then only when I'm ill. Labor is not illness. And the perkiness, well, I like perky waitresses. A loud and overly cheerful person who's forcing Electronic Fetal Monitoring on me while I suffer bouts of intense pain is just not welcome. After a discussion with a friend who's also had this nurse during labor, she clarified for me a better explanation for why Mary bugged me. She is just plain fake. So...altogether, I wasn't happy with this nurse. However, I'm sure it could have been worse. I could have arrived much earlier in labor, or the old policy of the nurse checking dilation could have been in effect. Thank God for small blessings.

I labored first on the bed, with the back raised as high as it would go, on my hands and knees using the head of the bed for support.

I am, again, running short on time, so this will have to do. More later!

Pre-Israel

2007-09-10T15:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I now have the pictures that Kim took of the birth in digital form, so we can finish off the birth story, but I have less than 10 minutes here, so instead of more birth story, you get some pre-birth pics.

Family photo:

I think this was about a week before Israel arrived.

And just two days before Israel came, Kim and Jeff brought Eli over for S'mores.

wow, thank goodness I'm not pregnant anymore!!

By the way, Tom is recovering well from surgery. Friday and Saturday were difficult days, but we've had a ton of help, and since Israel is such an easy little guy, God has just really blessed us.

Pre-Op day and other things...

2007-09-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

It's cold. Or rather, I'm cold. It's 73 in here. So is it all in my head? Does the cloudy sky simply make me think it's cold? Maybe it's knowing that in order to warm it up inside on demand we have to build a fire? Maybe it's the weight loss? ;) Or maybe I'm coming down with something (I think that a lot, just ask Tom). Just in case, I'm all Zicam-ed up and am drinking white tea with raw honey. Between that and the quadruple dose of probiotics I've been on since the naturopath visit, I shouldn't be able to get sick. Right? Let us hope.

Tom gets to have surgery tomorrow. So we have to commute at 0-dark-thirty in the morning over to Seattle. This should be the last surgery, and it should fix him all up. I sure hope it does. I want my husband to be able to enjoy his life a bit more than he has been lately. Don't get me wrong, he's been wonderfully chin-up about the whole thing, but no one can live with constant pain and not have it bring them down a bit.

Eve's napping. And for a change, I don't care how long her nap lasts. She's sleeping over at Grandma's!! Yay! That will make tomorrow morning so much easier. And it will be our first night without her here with us since the hospital visit.

Speaking of which, you're not here to hear about my hypochondria or Tom, right? You want birth story. And pictures.

Last time...

we went to sleep. And we didn't wake up until Tom's alarm went off. Talk about a let down. Especially for Tom, since we'd stayed up until like one in the morning, and now he had to get up at 7 to go to work.

I got up with him, and so did Eve and we just kinda sat around with nothing exciting happening.

I saw Tom out the door just before 8, and then visited the restroom. Men, if you don't want to know, close your eyes now and move on to the next paragraph. So, there was blood on the paper. Yay! Bloody show.

Shortly after, as in like, 10 minutes, I felt what was definitely a real contraction. It's funny how you just know. Of course, with bloody show, there's no going back, so there wasn't a question in my mind anyway.

I called Tom, I called Kim, I called Ashia.

Tom didn't believe me and told me unhappily to call him when I could say with more certainty that he needed to be home before his work day was over.

Kim was excited, and told me to keep her posted and that she would come when I was ready for her.

Ashia wasn't feeling real well. :( But, it was good timing day-wise because her husband was home to stay with the kids.

Then I took Eve for a walk. She wanted to be in the stroller, and it was a beautiful, sunny, warm morning. We walked to one end of the road, and while walking I called my mom and dad to let them know what was up. I also called my friends Tanna and Bridget. Then we walked to the other end of the road, and while I walked, I timed the contractions, which were coming roughly 3 minutes apart and lasting for 40 seconds or so. At the other end of the road there was a nice black berry patch, so I picked berries for Eve and had a few myself and called Tom to let him know he should come home, because the contractions were getting longer, stronger and closer together. It was close to 10 A.M.

We walked back home and Tom and his dad showed up just after we walked in the door. Eve would be going with Poppy for the day, since Grandma was busy with Cousin Hunter who had his own hospital trip to deal with.

I called Kim to let her know things were moving along and to come when she could, and then I hopped in the shower.

It's funny, I didn't really plan to wear my own clothes to labor in at the hospital, but that's what ended up happening, and my short orange (who would have thought I'd unwittingly take the chiropractor's advice?!) cotton jersey skirt and sleeveless white top were probably the most perfect things I could have chosen for comfort and utility. The skirt might have been better had it been a wrap skirt, but otherwise it was great. And orange! :)

When Kim arrived, we went for another walk. I had to stop walking when contractions came at this point, but they were still very manageable.

Back at home, I sat on an exercise ball in the kitchen for a very long time. Kim timed the contractions on her phone. We noticed that they sometimes were farther apart and sometimes shorter, but forward progress was definitely still being made.

I kind of wonder how Kim was feeling at this point. I know she was excited, but I wonder if she was scared too. At that point, I was just excited. I definitely had a few moments of...well, second thoughts, let's say, later on, but at this point, things were going really well.

I got quite a few calls while in the kitchen laboring. One from my mom who had called the hospital, who of course, hadn't heard from nor seen us. My mom kind of flipped out, not understanding why I wouldn't want to get to the hospital as quickly as humanly possible. You see, my mom LOVED her hospital births. She just thought the nurses were great, loved the free hospital food, and getting to kick her feet up and not have to do anything.

Me? My stay in the hospital with Eve was sheer torture. I couldn't stand the nurse visits. The nurses themselves were okay, but when they arrive at 4 AM to undress your peacefully sleeping baby, thereby making her cry, they really seemed to be trying to make themselves my enemy.

Plus, I knew the longer I labored at the hospital, the longer I'd have to endure the electronic fetal monitor straps, more torture! And I would be somewhat at the mercy of the staff. So, the longer I could stay home, the better.

Kim and Tom teased the cat with toys and a laser pointer and we moved to the living room, where I had to kneel on a crib pad. Tom was terrified of my water breaking in the bed or on the carpet or in the car. Heh.

It was in the living room that I decided the contractions were getting strong enough that I didn't want to take a ride in the car if they were much stronger. Out the window went my intention to try to stay home until my water broke.

We called Ashia to have to start making her way to the hospital and packed up the car.

I had a few very concrete goals for this labor and delivery: Stay upright as much as possible during labor. Stay positive. And finally, don't give birth while on my back. Stay tuned to see if it all works out.

A snippet of birth story...

2007-08-31T14:17:00.000-07:00

So, because I know I won't get a chance to write out the whole birth story of Peanut in one sitting, I'm going to do it in installments instead. Eventually I hope to add pictures (don't worry, nothing too over the top), but I don't actually have the pictures as this point (digitally) so you'll have to wait. :)

So, anyway...

As the weekend drew to a close, and my due date was dwindling into the past, I began to get antsy to have the baby. I still didn't want to rush it, but I was remembering that with Eve, my membranes had been stripped, I was walking a lot, eating a ton of spicy food, and then visited the chiropractor the night I went into true labor. I was also remembering that I had that prodomal labor the entire day before real labor began, and a few other physical signs that the guy's in the audience probably don't want to hear about.

These recollections resulted in some concern on my part...what if it was all those things that were done to me and that I did that made me go into labor? What if I couldn't go into labor without those things? And, since I could now see in hindsight that that prodomal labor was the immediate precursor to true labor, I figured that I'd have to experience that (and plug loss, ahem) some time before true labor would begin. Since all was quiet, I knew I wasn't too close.

I went to the Chiropractor on Monday, the 13th. This gal is not the chiro that put me in to labor with Eve. He's retired. Kinda bummed. She was a bit...um...less medical and more hocus-pocus than I generally like, so I probably won't see her regularly, plus, I like manual adjustments...she just used some kind of pressure snapping thingy. She did give me a nice little massage though.

She ended our session advising me to put some orange in my life (rolls eyes) and suggested I wear any orange clothing I owned and told Eve to color me an orange picture. Free color therapy! As I left, her assistant said she guarantees 24 hours (with a laugh). I laughed too, although I didn't think it was very funny.

(I just want to break in here and say that I still haven't finished Peanut's embroidery, and have a stack of unwritten thank you cards and two baskets of laundry to fold. See how I sacrifice for you?)

Nothing too interesting happened after that. My whole drive home was rife with anticipation though. When Tom got home, we went out on the boat and played in the water a bit. Eve got to have her first tube ride (Tom went extremely slow and I was in another tube right next to Eve). I enjoyed the tube because I could actually lay on my tummy! Plus, it was nice to cool down.

And then we had a bit of a scare. I was not in labor, but was concerned that my water may have broken and was on a slow trickle. It was fairly late, and I didn't want to rush to the hospital for nothing. It was my very deep desire not to raise any alarms unnecessarily, so that unnecessary interventions wouldn't follow. As it got later and to be Eve's bed time, we finally decided not to go in to the hospital. The trickle had slowed, and some contractions brought on by a late-night walk with Tom and Eve in the stroller didn't cause any gushing. Plus, I figured I could just as easily go in the morning if I needed to, as it would only be 12 hours and 24 hours is usually when I've heard they get concerned about the water being broken too long.

We watched the Green Mile, which I had sworn would not be the Labor Movie this time around. It turns out to have been...although I wasn't really in labor, exactly. It wasn't as sad or unpleasant a movie as I thought it would be, though it did make me cry. But so did lots of other things during pregnancy, so that doesn't really prove much.

And then we went to sleep.

Tune in next time for more story, and some actual labor action!

He's he-re!

2007-08-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

So, is it any wonder I haven't blogged?

Go here for pics and stuff. Hopefully soon things will settle enough for me to share more.

Never seen a due date before

2007-08-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to wonder if Peanut has decided not to come until I finish his embroidered onesie.

I really expected to have a baby right now. Oh well, I'm not too worried, I can't stay pregnant forever. :)

Another onesie

2007-07-30T13:17:00.001-07:00

Here's the latest baby gift I embroidered.

Paxon's daddy is a musician.

I'm pretty proud of my speed on this one. I got the pattern on the fabric on a Tuesday night, but didn't start stitching until the next day. I was done by Friday night, and I really didn't sacrifice to get it done, no special stitching sessions or ignoring my daughter or anything like that.

I wrote out the name (short for Paxon) by hand with a washable marker from Eve's stash. Our printer died a sad and sudden death. I think it may be a bit too widely spaced, but otherwise, I'm pretty happy with it, especially considering I have fairly poor handwriting abilities.

There's a bit of puckering, which I'm sad about, but I don't think it will be too much of a problem. There are also a few stitches that are less than stellar. Eve has been helping me embroider lately, and somehow, I can't really figure out how, it does seem to have an effect on the stitches, even though I place the needle and can easily loosen too-tight stitches. I look forward to when Eve is old enough to try doing something like this all on her own. And until then, I pine away for lacing cards.

Diaper pictures

2007-07-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

More pictures downloaded to check on the photos my dad wanted. All those diapers I spend so much time writing about.

Here's the newborn diaper stash in the top drawer of Eve's dresser.

You can see half of the small prefolds generously loaned to me by my friend Betsy. Oh how am I going to keep them so sparkley looking?! She also loaned me a few wraps, but those are toward the bottom of the pile of wraps you can see in the lower left of the photom, because of the slightly larger size. I think I have about 6 wraps to use for the newborn period... a few that only go up to 10 lbs and others that go to 12. The top one in the pile has a cute little notch for avoiding the belly button stump. so tiny. Eve prefers these sizes for use on her dolls. :)

You can also see the like-new Kushies all-in-one I found for cheap on the ill-fated Seattle shopping day at the top left of the photo. Just beneath you can see a big zip-lock bag full of some of the cloth wipes my friend Gina gave me. I'll try to remember to get a shot of the really pretty ones she made for me before I use them. ;)

Yay for friends! :)

Here's the rest of the fitted and all-in-one diapers I got when shopping with my mom.

All but the light green one to the very right should fit Peanut as soon as he passes the new-born stage.

The lion one and the green fleece are just diaper wraps (at least, I think so...can't figure out anything about the lion one...no brand or anything, but it doesn't seem to have any absorbent layer inside, just a cotton knit lining. I only bought it because I think it's really cute. well, that and it was cheap and my mom was buying. :) That's a view of the back of it, won't it be cute on a little baby behind?)

The yellow one has an adorable monkey print on the inside, but it's the one that took forever to dry...forever. It's some kind of name-brand, but the logo tag is simply a baby looking through his legs with "CB" on the cloth diaper he's wearing. Can't figure out what the brand actually is. Shrug.

Over to the far left, top of the pile is a Mother-ease fitted one-size. It looks too huge to fit a tiny tiny baby, but we'll see how it goes with a 12 pounder. Beneath that is a "Kooshies" fitted... I'm not sure if Kooshies and Kushies are related.... and then beneath that is a nameless fitted that I probably should have passed up as it's pretty worn out. However, it was a buck and a quarter...and again, my mom was buying... and this was at the beginning of the trip before I realized that it wouldn't be the only fitted diaper I saw all day. :)

I am all set for laundering diapers. Well, almost. I have a cheap additive-free liquid detergent. Should be good for avoiding buildup on the diapers. I have vinegar (I bought two gallons at Costco to start making my own cleaners. I used it all over the kitchen on Friday in a half-water, half-white-distilled-vinegar spray solution, and it really seemed to work well. Quite happy with myself.) and I have a huge bag of baking soda (12 lbs, Costco again, and again, initially intended for non-laundry cleaning purposes. I haven't cleaned my own shower since purchasing the bag (yay for friends!), but that's my main intention with it). I also have a small bottle of dawn dish liquid for the occasional stripping, but since I've already done it once, and intend to do all the recommended things for avoiding build-up in the future, I don't think I'll use dawn too often in the wash.

And...my sister is giving me a fairly new washer and dryer set!!! Now Tom and I just have to figure out a way to move it from Sequim where it's stored on the second floor of a storage barn up at her place. May be difficult, since Sequim is not a short trip and moving a washer and dryer down stairs, not to mention into someone's truck, is not exactly a task just anyone can help us with. Then there's the fact that whoever does help will essentially be doing it all by themselves, as Tom can't do it in his current injured state, and I could never do it, even if I wasn't 38 weeks pregnant. But, I'm totally excited, as our dryer is quite worn out, and our washer is pretty darn old. Yay for sisters!

I have a feeling we will have the baby before we have the washer and dryer, but that's okay, I can be patient, for a little while. :)

Eve and things...

2007-07-30T11:58:00.000-07:00

My dad wanted a picture of me in my hugeness. I'm not sharing the picture here (though the brave and curious will find an overexposed shot of us on flickr) because it was incredibly unflattering and didn't turn out very well otherwise. But, it did prompt me to download the pics waiting on the camera, just to make sure the pictures were somewhat like what my dad wanted.

I think I'll try a re-shoot sometime this week.

Here are the other pics.

This is Eve wearing a little baby doll in her new sling.

and here she is laughing and pointing at the cat.

She insisted I take a picture of the kitty.

Everyone is always so complimentary of the kitty's appearance. She is a very pretty cat. She is also very mean. A wonderfully generous group of gals from church arranged and participated in a cleaning party at my house on Friday. I was so blessed to have them, and really, so much was accomplished I was blown away. How does that relate to the cat? She attacked and chased my friend Kim several times when Kim was working on the downstairs bathroom. Kim is doing birth coaching for Peanut's birth. I can't believe my cat would be so rude!

Just one car?

2007-07-26T16:53:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking lately that it would be nice to eliminate the cost of owning a second car.

But the more I think about it, the more impossible the thought becomes.

For one, my husband's vehicle is not a family car. It's a huge monstrous GMC Safari (not actually very mini for a minivan) that is unreliable and filled with the dirt, debris, and equipment one might expect a professional home remodeler to be toting. Yes, there are 5 seats, and it is roomy, but I really hate to drive it, and I don't much enjoy riding in it either.

He needs to have it with him during all working hours, as it's his big tool-box.

Then there's the things I mentioned in my previous post. We don't live in the city...we live on the outskirts. Yes, there is a grocery store (and a few filipino markets--how can there really be two?!) that is within easy walking distance... and also two hair salons...but not enough of the sorts of services or attractions that I would need to be able to go without a car. No Library, for one, and the grocery store is small and not well stocked, and not to mention, not generally the best for budget shopping. I must drive to get to Target. I must drive to get to the better parks. I must drive to get organic produce. I must drive to find sidewalks!

And so, we will continue to pay for insurance and maintenance on the second car, and I will do my best to drive only as far and as often as needed.

2 weeks

2007-07-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

It would be dishonest to say the count down has begun.

For one, the countdown has been continuous since I realized I was pregnant. For another, I'm not in much of a hurry. Yes, I'd love to stop being uncomfortably hugely pregnant, but as I've mentioned previously, I am apprehensive about having 2 kids, and so can wait for the inevitable as long as God allows.

What if I have 28 days left? I highly doubt that's the case, since Eve arrived a day before her due date. On the other hand, the doctor thought she arrived 4 days late--so I guess I should at least be prepared for 4 days late from the due date I have been given.

What if I have less than 13 days? well, it's a good thing my last day of work is Monday. At least then I'll get a short rest (can it really be called rest when I will be chasing my toddler and trying to clean in preparation for the new little one?)

It definitely means I'm running short on time for a few things I really enjoy about working.

The bit of spare time I have for blogging and surfing is going to dwindle. Yes, the laptop belongs to me, but it's not often that either my husband or my daughter simultaneously don't wish for my attention and aren't using it. Which is usually fine, as that allows me to clean, read, or embroider. But I think my blogging frequency is going to suffer a hit. On the up-side, maybe if I stop finding so much out about cloth diapers these days, I will feel less stressed about the decisions, and just make Tom learn to fold. :)

I really love the library up here, much more so than the one nearest to my home. Come to think of it, there's not really a library very close to my home, making it inconvenient even though there are closer locations than the one here.

There's also a couple grocery stores I like to frequent up here. One that's huge and stocks great options on organic and natural foods, and another that is...Walmart...but not gross and shiver-inducing (I worked there the year between high school and marriage, it was awful) like the one, again, not conveniently located anywhere near me, but technically closer than the one up here.

And a nice children's consignment shop that I could sometimes stop at on my way to work.

Now the name of the game will be conserving gas, which probably means no trips to Walmart or the library, or much of anywhere, and certainly no trips north to this litte town I work in.

It's possible I will miss little breaks away from my daughter. But knowing I have such little time left to just be with her, I don't think so. It will be after the baby arrives that I'll miss the little breaks, and I'll just have to slog through and wait until my husband comes home so I can have 5 minutes alone in the bathroom. :)

so...

2007-07-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like this is becoming a cloth diapering blog... ha ha. Obsess much?

On Tuesday I had a somewhat bad shopping day with my mom. She was really sweet and generous, and basically bought me anything I even remotely showed interest in at the various children's consignment stores we rushed to and from.

She bought me a changing table that I do not love. It will certainly do, which is why I allowed her to buy it for me, but...it's just not my style. Then again, I'm not certain changing tables fit in with my style, period. Eve just had a dresser and a changing pad secured to the top. I used it all the time (even after she fell head first off the thing) and loved it, so I know I'd have a hard time transitioning to the "pad on the couch (or bed)" or "floor changing" that I know many people go for.

She also bought me a small, simple diaper pail (since I'm pretty sure my fancy and worn out diaper disposal "system" won't really do with cloth). I have since decided it's too small...as there's no way it will hold a whole load of diapers...but I'm sure I'll find a use for it. And, it was as pricey used as it is new on Target's website...so I guess we saved on shipping.

However, I'm not sure it was worth it, considering the pain and suffering of the day. Parking lots and small fender scrapes and whatnot...:P

Eve was great, though she did get hurt and that made the last stop a little less fun.

She also picked up an assortment of all in one diapers, a few pocket diapers, and wrap covers. They were all used and all pretty cheap, but not in bad shape. I'll probably take a picture of them in all their newly-pristine glory to show you all soon, I know you can't wait. I "stripped" the diapers with Dawn dish detergent last night, requiring 3 rinses to get all the suds out! And then had to dry them all on low, since most of them say to dry on medium and my dryer only has low or high. This took 3+ cycles. One of the all-in-one diapers finally was simply hung out...because it *still* wasn't dry (I've heard this is an issue). My dryer is so lame, I think this means that I should definitely stop pining away for all-in-ones for Tom and make him buck up (or hope for some miracle from heaven of a better dryer and/or pocket diapers.

I think washing the Polar Babies wrap in the hot water with the rest of the stuff was a bad idea, as it now is all bunched up on the inner lining. On the plus side, Eve likes that one quite well for her doll, so it will be put to good use no matter what.

I got one pocket diaper that is big enough for Eve, or an even bigger kid, I would imagine. It's a "FuzzyBunz" and...ha ha, works quite well! Eve wanted to wear it really bad, and since it was all nice and clean, and the baby won't be in that size for a loooong time, I figured it couldn't hurt. I told her to pretend she was wearing big girl panties, and to proceed accordingly...She must have thought I meant to forget going potty on the potty, because she promptly tested out the capacity of the thing--and it did great! So, I guess that's a good thing. Too bad I didn't find the thing in a small size, 'cause by the time the baby wears something this big, Tom better be able to handle folding a simple prefold--seriously.

Pampers or Huggies?

2007-07-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe the world of disposable diapers is not that simple, but it is much more so than the world of cloth diapers.

Sure, there's a few less popular brands, and many store brands, and personally, I've found myself delighted with Costco's Kirkland brand. If you buy a package you don't like from, say, Walmart, you only have to live with the mistake for a week or so, and then you go buy a different brand.

Cloth on the other hand? There are (maybe literally, who can tell?) thousands of different kinds of cloth diapers and accessories.

It's really overwhelming. Now, the cheap way to go is with prefolds and simply plastic covers or wool covers made from old sweaters (or hand knit ones, if you happen to knit--which I don't, sadly). Prefolds are what you think of when you think of cloth diapers. There are also tons of different kinds of covers to use... ones that Velcro in a manner similar to disposable diapers...probably more comfortable and way more cute than plastic pants.

But then, there are All In Ones, and Pocket diapers... and these look like mana from heaven to me. As easy to use (washing, of course, is a different matter) as disposables, because they are one piece...and even cute! Like these and these and these. Even you who think cloth diapering is crazy (I hear you, I do.) can't deny how cute these are!

And, then, there's a world in between...diapers that are not rectangle, but rather contoured, and then fitted diapers that are contoured and self-securing (with Velcro or snaps) with elastic around the top and legs to prevent leaks. There are liners and doublers and soakers and inserts, and a hundred brands of every type of item I just listed...how can one make a good choice? The cost of a bad choice is much higher than having to finish off a package of less-than-ideal disposables. When you drop 20 bucks plus shipping on one diaper...and it doesn't fit your kid or it leaks or it's just too difficult to use... then what? Not to mention... when you go with a 20 bucks a piece diaper... are you really saving over disposables? Maybe in the long run, since the diapers are very re-usable--even on to second and third children, but in the short run, that's the cost of a large package of disposables... sigh.

And then there's endless discussion on laundering techniques...I can hardly even bear to go there.

However, on the positive side of all of this, I did find out that Viva paper towels work very well as liners to prevent staining... yay! I was going to buy old sheets and cut those up and just throw them away anyway... this seems not much worse as far as waste is concerned. I guess we'll see...philosophically, I suppose this may not be very waste-not-want-not of me...but not having to worry so much about stains? That just might be worth it.

Dreams

2007-07-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, I've been having a few weird dreams I thought I'd share with you.

The first was short and vivid, and woke me up with a start. I wouldn't call it a nightmare, but it wasn't a good dream, either.

First, I watched my cat jump away in pain from a spider she'd been playing with. Eve was with me, but not in my arms, and the spider walked away from the cat with two legs raised...like it was attacking. We jumped out of the way, and it scurried behind a piece of furniture. Before it was hidden, it grew, turned red, and suddenly had wings, though it didn't fly. It was also oddly shaped, with a pointed front end and a larger rear-end, a bit like a mouse. Which makes sense, because it suddenly turned around and was a mid-sized white mouse. I'm not sure why, but I instinctually stepped on the mouse. I was wearing rather thin shoes, and I could feel it squirm beneath my feet, and could tell that even with all my weight, I wasn't really doing anything to it. I lifted my foot and it began to run away. My cat, meanwhile, was lolled on its side, yet to recover from the spider bite. I told Eve it was okay and stepped on the mouse again. The same thing, only this time when I lifted my foot, it jumped up on me. That's what woke me up.

The latest one was even shorter and not nearly as vivid, although seemed totally real and distressing nonetheless. I can't even remember much of the details, except at the baby's birth someone announced, "It's a girl!"

I was quite upset. First, I've desired a boy because I think sibling relations may be easier when one can be the family definition of feminine and one can be the masculine one... no degrees of femininity, so no worries about creating complexes in a little girl's psyche. Second, we have planned and prepared for a boy (With Eve, I was never positive, so everything was done, at least by me, with the assumption that it could go either way. I didn't even wash up all the new girl clothes we received, just the hand-me-downs. And I took a white outfit to the hospital with two onesies, one for a girl in pink and white stripes, and one for a boy that I can't really remember now.) and if we have a girl, there will be much scrambling to fix the clothing situation. And of course, I'd been confidently stating that the baby was definitely a boy, so now I was embarrassed to be so confident and so wrong. Also, we have a boy's name (if not the middle name) but no girl's name, because by the time we started looking at names, we'd found out the sex, so there was no need to do twice the work when deciding on the name. How could this happen?!

And then I woke up. Phew! It seemed so real, I was quite shocked to find myself still pregnant. I sure hope it wasn't a premonition.

Reading

2007-07-19T12:30:00.001-07:00

So I've been enjoying my reading of Siblings Without Rivalry. It's interesting and enlightening, and at the same time challenging.

Principles:

Validate feelings.

I don't think I'm great at this, especially when it's something like, "I don't like him" because there's no reason for her to feel this way, usually. I'll have to keep in mind that feelings are often not based on good reasoning or logic. Heaven knows mine aren't. Validating feelings doesn't have to mean allowing bad actions or behavior. Yay!

Give in fantasy what can't be had in reality.

Basically, just state in clear language what it appears the child wants. Not sure how I feel about this one.

Not sure how I feel about this one. I can't see myself saying, "I can see you are angry. You wish that we could send the baby back and have mama all to yourself again."

Suggest creative or otherwise non-harmful outlets to express negative feelings.

Meh...I've never much liked this, myself. Although I have made great use of writing letters that never get read, that is a little hard for non-literate children. I guess I could always suggest punching pillows or screaming at the top of your lungs--I use those myself.

Don't compare, positively or negatively.

I know I've already been guilty of this with other kid's Eve's age or a little older.

"Oh, Eve, Hannah wears big girl panties all the time because she goes potty in the potty! She's such a big girl!"

I will have to make sure this isn't something I continue.

The hardest part of this includes non-direct comparisons: praising one child in front of the other. I have a hard time already with over-praising Eve. Of course, I think she's the most awesome kind on the planet, so it's hard to keep that to myself, and in my house as a child everything we did was always the best and the greatest, and we were the smarted, most attractive, most athletic, etc. kids EVER.

It's going to be a real challenge to keep praise private as the family grows. Also not sure how this applies to praising infants for milestone accomplishments...something to think about.

The next section is Fair is Unfair, which I've just begun and which says equal treatment is unnecessary and harmful, and that each child should be treated according to his or her needs.

I'm definitely interested in this section, because while I don't feel my parents did this, I get the sense that Tom thought his whole life was unfair...and he's frequently mentioned how certain unfair treatments bother him in other families we are close to.

So far, my only hang up with this book is that the things parents say seem to be way over the top...but then, I guess it's easier to portray extreme examples than more subtle ones in such a format.

Additionally, a lot of the long-lasting hurt feelings and resentment can be healed through forgiveness, given time and God, so I didn't identify with a lot of what the parents said about their own histories--even though I hated my brother, I really love him now and I'm closer to him than to either of my other brothers, who were never subjects of my wrath. And although I recognize that in many ways my feelings toward him had a lot to do with what my parents did, I know they only did what they felt was best and have always had the best of intentions, and simply didn't have the tools or training to do what would have been better. I've forgiven them for it, even though I fear repeating their mistakes.

I guess I should let that be a lesson to me...

Even if I fail as a parent to foster a close and loving relationship amongst my children, all hope is not lost as long as God's in the picture--He can change hearts and minds dramatically, as He has mine.

Of course, that puts the pressure back on teaching Eve the Truth about God, and praying that she chooses to follow him, and back to my fear of screwing her up!

Diapers are so much better than when I was baby

2007-07-19T10:49:00.001-07:00

Guess what?

I'm going to cloth diaper this baby!

Yikes, what am I saying?

How did I come to this place from my beautiful world of vastly improved disposable diapers that make life so darn easy?

Well, to begin with, cloth diapering is not just a historical thing in my world. I have the pleasure of having many friends who don't just go with the flow of the modern world and wrap their kids in the latest diaper technology available. They have expanded my horizons. In fact, I have quite a few friends who eschew diapers almost entirely, and instead live a diaper-free existence through a practice called Elimination Communication.

In point of fact, I'm also considering EC, but find myself somewhat overwhelmed by visiting the potty with a newborn who has to go every 20 minutes--especially as I'm in the middle of attempting to potty train Eve. Add to that my squeamish germophobia, and the idea of having little potties all over the house where toddler hands can find them, I'm just not so sure. At least, I know I will wait until 6 weeks or so, and re-evaluate then.

And who knows, after that many weeks of doing my own diaper laundry, I may just be ready to switch to an alternative!

What? No diaper service? No, you see, that's the *actual* motivation behind my plan to cloth diaper. No money! I think I previously mentioned that Tom will be recovering from surgery during my maternity leave (which I really do hope to make permanent, but I'm not going to get my hopes up too high until we see if we can survive that way. It's never worked before, and our financial situation has taken quite the hit since Tom's accident, so we're already starting from a difficult spot). With the loss of my income and living on disability for a month at the least, we'll be at about 50% our previous income. the cost of a few extra loads of laundry a week should be significantly less than either the cost of a service or the cost of disposables, and therefore our most affordable option. The alternative is putting disposables on credit--not cool.

Of course, cloth diapers and covers are not cheap. Although I did find a great resource for making your own at very little expense, I can't really spend any money on something Tom's not convinced we'll be able to sustain. Some very kind friends have offered to loan us all we will need to cloth diaper a newborn. What a huge blessing! And, if I decide cloth diapering is sustainable for our family, but decide against EC, I can probably afford to slowly build a stash of home-made larger-sized diapers and covers to take us through the baby's diapering year(s).

A couple added bonuses:
uh...the crunchy creds and props from my cloth-diapering friends. ;)
No worries about chemicals (with unknown consequences) lying close to my baby's skin 24/7.
Feelings of pride associated with clean laundry (Did I tell you how happy it made me to get Eve's training pants pristinely clean after a soiling accident a week or so ago? I was in alt), conquering a new challenge, and attaining a new skill.
And of course, being a good steward of the environment.

I'll have to say, the worst part about this is the laundry. Not only do I not relish the idea of rinsing diapers in the toilet (ew. eww. Thank goodness I bought a huge stash of disposable nitrile gloves from Costco a few months ago--is that like totally against the cloth diapering code? Maybe I should buy some rubberized kitchen tongs or something for the purpose? and a leak-proof transfer container too. Drips...*shudder*), I already hate folding laundry. Really, aside from putting laundry away, it's my absolute least favorite chore. Yes, I prefer scrubbing toilets, baths and showers, and getting on my hands and knees to hand-mop my kitchen floor to folding laundry. I guess I should be grateful that the diapers should be a lot easier to put away than clothes generally are, but the complicated folding ritual may make up for that.

I'm trying to build enthusiasm in my mind for this. When Cloth diapering was simply something friends did, I could admire it, and imagine myself doing it if need be. Same with EC. But now that I'm faced with actually doing it, I'm a little overwhelmed.

It sounds like so much work, and I'm worried I won't be able to wash the diapers clean enough for my own standards or those of the diaper owners (I had hoped that our last tax return would finance the purchase of a more energy/water efficient front loading washer and a dryer that doesn't take two cycles to dry a load of anything but delicates (you know, the ones you don't put in the dryer?), but we were looking and waiting for the right deal when Tom had his accident, and kept it as a stash for emergencies. We finally used it up in the last financial snafu. So I'm left with a washer that I feel doesn't even clean Tom's work jeans well enough, let alone a load of wet and soiled diapers that I will put back on my baby, and eventually return to their rightful owners.) Plus, I'm not a huge fan of the mondo-butt look so many cloth-diapered babies sport.

Wish me luck and perseverance. I'm gonna need it.

A nice turn around

2007-07-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

So I continued to feel lousy all day on Monday, until I got home.

Eve ran to me, so happy to see me, and gave me the biggest, longest kiss. And then giggled and kissed me again and again. And then stroked my hair and looked so happy to be in my arms and to have me home. I couldn't continue to feel sorry for myself with that kind of love.

Then Tom, who had planned on having the night to himself in order to practice his guitar, said he'd watch Eve so I could go to one of those product parties at a friend's. I'd been pretty bummed to have to cancel due to lack of babysitters, not because I planned to buy anything with my no-discretionary-spending budget, but because I knew my friend would be serving something wonderfully yummy to eat, and I would get to relax rather than try to do the nighttime routine all by myself. He was so cordial and encouraging about it, I could tell he wasn't just doing it grudgingly. It was such a blessing to get to go, and the food was, indeed, delicious. Again, how could I continue to be grumpy in the face of my husband's love?

Finally, that night Tom and I stayed up pretty late and had a long conversation about my parenting concerns.

He isn't worried and feels we're doing an okay job. I wouldn't say I totally agree with him, but it was comforting to know that he's not dissatisfied with my parenting, so no extra pressure there.

He also said I need to stop worrying about screwing her up, because in one way or another, we're going to screw her up. Basically, he says I need to stop striving for perfection, because it's impossible to achieve. While not comforting, it is freeing to accept that I cannot be the perfect mother, and that my child cannot be perfect, no matter how hard I try and wish for it.

In addition to all that, there were a couple great comments on my last post with practical and real-world truth on sibling rivalry and discipline--which was encouraging and helpful.

What's my motivation?

2007-07-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm just having one of those days today. I shouldn't be, as I'm feeling showered with love and care from every direction. Despite that, my thoughts are drawn toward self-reflection and I find myself lacking--always disappointing.

It's been a somewhat slow journey to this frame of mind, and I wouldn't say I got here until yesterday evening. But it all started Saturday night.

I brought up sibling rivalry with a friend who has quite a few kids. I figured if she'd dealt with it and figured out how to deal with it, then I could safely take her advice on it--because her kids all seem to get along and love each other.

I'll be honest that she didn't seem to have much practical advice, but she assured me that she doesn't think it will be a problem in our family.

I wish I could share her conviction.

You see, when I got my first sibling, it ruined my life. I felt betrayed, bereft, abandoned and unloved. And it was ALL. HIS. FAULT. Dumb little brother going and messing up my life like that. Who did he think he was?! I literally hated him. I wasn't much for the physical abuse, although I'm sure that he got his fair share of shoves and whatnot, but I was much more about the emotional manipulation and cruelty. To this day, I believe that I can see evidence in my brother of damage done by me and by my parent's reaction to my behavior towards him.

I'm very afraid of the same occurring between Eve and her little brother. I'm afraid she will feel unloved and displaced. I'm afraid she'll take it out on her little brother. I'm afraid that anything I try to do to "fix" their relationship will only further harm things. I'm afraid of putting distance between Eve an I, after working so hard to foster closeness and attachment and trust, I'd hate to see it all go to waste, wiped out by the arrival of a sibling.

You might see something in the above paragraph that my friend picked up on. Fear.

She told me she got the feeling I was afraid and implored me not to be. Reminding me that fear is not of God. Unless, of course, it's fear of God. But I can't seem to help myself. It's ingrained in me, and probably something I need to really work on.

Yes, I'm fearful about sibling relations in my home. This led me to examine my parenting in general. I am very much motivated by fear in my parenting.

Now, unlike perhaps many (not all) parents (I suspect), I am not really much afraid that my daughter will misbehave. She does misbehave, but I'm not a behaviorist, or at least, I'm not hung up on the here-and-now of behavior, and I recognize that a lot of what we might think of as misbehavior is really just developmental behavior. Yes, I get frustrated by that behavior, but most of the time, I can deal.

What I am afraid of is screwing her up. I'm sure my fear will double soon as I have a whole new little life I can screw up too. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, maybe I don't have so much power.

I really try to trust God over my daughter, and to an extent, I feel I've succeeded. I'm much less fearful for her physical well being and health than I used to be. I'm not perfectly fearless in the face of danger or disease, but I think I've come a long way.

I feel I'm well-equipped to be a nurturer of little lives. I find it easy to be a responsive mother of a newborn and infant (although I do anticipate struggling a bit with doing the infant thing at the same time as the toddler thing). I guess I should say, I know what to do with a baby. I know that they don't have mere "wants" and every desire is truly a need. Every moment is a learning one for a baby. And the goal of the first year is to teach trust and self-worth.

After that, things get more complicated. When do children begin to have mere "wants" and when can such desires be safely denied? When does age-appropriate behavior cross the line into inappropriate behavior (besides the obvious of bringing harm to others), when is it disrespect, when is it something else equally unsavory that should be stopped? I've been stumbling through that with Eve, and I still honestly don't know. I feel fairly confident that at her age of several months past 2 and a half, she's long been in the stage of everything not being a need, I'm just not sure when the transition occurred, and I still have a little trouble deciphering which is which.

I'm not afraid that I'm doing too much in the way of discipline, although I'm certainly afraid of going there. Instead, I'm afraid I'm too far on the "permissive" end of the spectrum in which I'm not establishing enough boundaries, and I'm not training her in good behavior, decorum, or work ethic. I'm also afraid I'm leaving God out of the equation--although He is in my thoughts and I am trying to do things in a Godly fashion, I'm pretty sure I don't communicate that to Eve enough, and I don't feel that we're doing much to teach her about God. Very frustrating, really.

I'm also dreadfully afraid of teaching Eve a God that doesn't exist. I've shared that before. I don't want to present to her "God" who is not true. I want to only present the True God to her, but I am, again, afraid that I'm failing.

I hate failing. It makes me feel really lousy. Failure in general is just one more thing I fear. And being fearful makes me feel I've once more failed.

Sweet Eve

2007-07-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Just had to share a little tidbit.

The other night it was soooo hot, and Eve had had such a late, long nap--courtesy of Grandma--that it was 11:30 before she was asleep. Ugh. I wasn't too bothered though because the entire evening, though she seemed to really be grating on Tom's nerves, she was just the sweetest thing to me.

She would hug me and run to me every few minutes. And when I told her once that I loved her, her response was "Thank you for loving me." with her head cocked to the side and her smile just so precious.

A few moments before our second try at going down for the night, she was asking about my "nummy nums" (she's just so darn interested in anatomy these days). I've tried to teach her "breasts" now that she's not nursing, but after, oh, 2 years worth of saying "nummy nums" in reference to my breasts as well as breastfeeding, I think it's a hard habit to break. After we confirmed that she has breasts and daddy has breasts, but hers are small because she's small, and mine are big because I'm big (sigh), she asked shyly if she could have some. I was a bit surprised, but only a bit. I've heard it's common for newly-weaned children to test boundries...see if they are still welcome to what was freely given for so long. After a moment's hesitation, I said yes.

She immediately launched herself into my arms and gave me a long, fierce hug. Then she pulled away and started off on another subject. After a few moments of conversation, I asked if she still wanted to nurse, and she shook her head. Then she asked me if I wanted to have "nummy nums" from her. That made me laugh, and I suggested that she give one of her babies some instead, because babies nurse, not adults. She immediately picked up "Pooh baby" (a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal that she really loves) and began to "nurse" him. She then informed me that he wasn't done yet. She alternated between looking at Pooh, looking off into space, and looking at me. It was so cute!

Vestiges

2007-07-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

At the very bottom of my recently completed, prioritized "baby needs..." list is an item I'm considering removing.

A nursing necklace.

I remember when Eve was young, being annoyed that her little seeking hands would always grasp my hair and pull hard enough to make my eye's water. Then, when she got to the stage of limit testing, it became a great deal more annoying when she would purposely pull my hair as hard as she possibly could.

I thought that the perfect solution would have been to give her newborn hands something else to grasp, creating a habit that would leave hair pulling out of the equation later on. Then, if she grabbed my hair, I'd know she was up to something--I wouldn't have to wait until she suddenly pulled to know she was testing me out.

But now...now I find myself very happy about her habit of playing with my hair. It's become somewhat of a partial replacement for nursing, or rather, a remainder of the full ritual which we no longer practice.

At night when I help her go to sleep she plays with my hair. When she greets me after a separation (Even just the amount of time she's in nursery on Sunday's) she'll play with my hair. When she is tired, or frightened, or in need of comfort, she will often play with my hair. Sometimes she will even ask to do so from the back of the car when she begins to get sleepy. Unfortunately, I have to say no during those times. But otherwise, it makes me happy that she still wants closeness with me like that.

Since I'm unlikely to actually receive a nursing necklace, and since I can't forsee the financial flexibility to buy one for myself, I will soon have to remind myself that when my newborn is a newly weaned child, I will be happy to have him play with my hair rather than a necklace. Maybe that will make it easier to get through the painful hair pulling stages.

Pictures of recent things

2007-07-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

Not much to say about these, since the events have already been mentioned, but thought I'd share a few shots with you.

Here are the only pictures we got of the 4th of July. Sadly, my batteries died early on, and I was too injured to want to make a special trip to the house for new ones.

From left to right we have Eve, Grandma, Olivia, Cousin Anne, Cousin Chase, Tosha (the cousins' mom) and Cousin Levi (Cousin Anne's twin brother). We all thought it was adorable the way Olivia just claimed Grandma as hers too.

Earlier, Tosha had ill-advised fun with a Roman Candle. We had tons of them. I'm sure that everyone's hands went riiiiight over the warning not to hold the candle. I'm sure the Engstrom family will persist in this dangerous activity until something drastic occurs to prove the reason for the warnings on the label.

I'm not absolutely sure, since Tom took this shot, but I think that's Tim, the Cousins' dad, helping his nearly 4 year old son to hold a roman candle in his bare hands. Cool, huh?

I had a hard time letting Eve hold a Morning Glory sparkler.

And here are some shots of that really wonderful bouquet that my friend Tanna gave me. Isn't it pretty?!

Keep in mind, this is a day and a half after I received it, thus the slight agedness of the flowers.

Hope you are all having a great day!

What am I really looking forward to?

2007-07-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I've officially got 5 weeks left. Actually, 4 weeks and 6 days.

Due to an injury I sustained on the 4th, I highly doubt all my "nesting" will be accomplished. Hopefully the house will happen to be mostly clean on the day I have the babe so I don't come home to a complete dive which will only get worse for a week or two.

I am really looking forward to being very slightly more comfortable in the heat, but otherwise, since I'm still unsure if I'll be able to accomplish the birth without tearing and going through the months of pain that I went through last time, I'm not really getting my hopes up about feeling physically better. Maybe my digestive issues will subside, maybe not. I certainly can't say I look forward to sleeping on my stomach, since with nursing through the night, sleeping is not exactly going to improve simply because I have a little more freedom of position.

I'm apprehensive about nursing too. Eve was a natural, although with my over-active letdown, it wasn't the most enjoyable activity for her. I'm somewhat worried it will be more difficult this time, and I know that with a toddler running around, I can't look forward to the long hours of couch-confinement with quite the same peaceful anticipation. I do look forward to it, but I'm thinking I'll like it better about the time I may have to return to work. At which point the anti-joy of pumping will intrude somewhat.

But I *am* really looking forward to babywearing again! Aside from the issue of finding a comfortable style of carrier for August, I can't think of any negatives to this. With all the new babies at church and several more besides my own on the way, I've had my carriers out a lot more than usual. And Eve has been wanting to be worn for the first time in...months and months and months. I have realized that I've almost completely forgotten how to back-wrap her, but it's been fun (if a bit tiring). Of course, I have to stop farming all my carriers out. Currently, I've promised the mei Tai to a gal who's toddler hurt her ankle and is more clingy than usual. I gave my woven wrap to another friend who is already into wearing her babies, but hasn't tried a wrap yet. My lovely silk ring sling was loaned out over a year ago to a friend I'm not in touch with much anymore. So... in my possession are a cotton ring sling, some homemade knit wraps and my pouch (which never worked for me in the early days because of nursing enlargement. :)

What I could really use are some new carriers. Like a water wrap, or a cotton guaze wrap, or this carrier, which looks totally awesome. Go sign up for the giveaway (courtesy of All Natural Mommies) if you think so too (or don't so my odds are better. ;))

Happy Independence day!

2007-07-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

To celebrate, here are some pictures of Pointy Kitty, my first stuffed creature crafting attempt, and the first craft Eve helped with. She picked out the fabric (given a few choices) and the button eyes (again, given a few choices) and was responsible for keeping the buttons safe.

She was a free pattern from the delightful Wee Wonderfuls.

I started this way back in September, 2006. I had intended for it to be a Birthday gift. And then a Christmas gift, and then a valentine's day gift. I think I finished it in time for Easter, but it's been a few months since then, so I can't remember. I finally handed over the precious Pointy Kitty, filled with poly stuffing, hard work, and love. And in a matter of hours...

Poor kitty. I only got around to fixing it this past week. And since then, pointy kitty has been mostly ignored. He he, live and learn. I'm sure by the time I get around to making a rag-doll for her, she will have grown out of her baby-loving phase. Maybe Pointy Kitty was simply too un-cuddly, and didn't fit in the stroller. Plus, Eve's real kitty is much more fun to chase.

Onesies!

2007-07-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, I sat down to compose this post, all excited to show you my five recently-completed embroidery projects, only to realize that I forgot to photograph the one I completed on Friday.

Darn.

Well, there is a good chance that I will be able to photograph that one later, so someday you may see it. It was my only little girl shirt, and actually, as lovely as it is, not my favorite. I think in my attempt to make it girly when compared with the other four, I failed to make it also uniquely cute.

Anyway, on with the show!

The first completed shirt is for a little boy whose dad is one of the football coaches at one of the local high schools. I tried to go for a Jersey/Letterman's jacket look. The front is the sport's logo for the school.

And the back.

This is all done in black and orange. The script on the name was hard to create and somewhat hard to stitch...but in real life it looks cool.

This next one is for a little guy born on the same day as Halsey. This was definitely my favorite finished product and my favorite to stitch.

front:

Butt:

isn't that cute?! I love Sublime Stitching.

Next up, we have Jet(t)'s shirt. Definitely my least favorite, and I think it's merely the lack of lots of color. Jett is by no means my least favorite baby, of course, I just didn't like the finished product of his shirt that much. On the other hand, it took the least time to stitch up, so there's something to that. I only realized a week after I gave the shirt to his mom that I'm quite certain his name is spelled incorrectly. Woops.

Unfortunately, I only had really good lighting available for photos of Eben's shirt. Additionally, even though normally I praise my husband's photography skills, he didn't use the macro setting, so this is as much detail as you'll get for Jett's shirt and the next one.

Ben's! Ben is, I believe, baby number 5 in his family. This is definitely my second fave shirt. I guess I just like a lot of color.

Little Zoe got her name in a lovely curly script in light pink in the upper left corner of the front of her shirt with a small rose (darker pink in the center petals, light pink on the outermost petals and a single green leaf) beside it. On the rear, a larger matching rose in slightly different colors, a little more reddish/orange. Very pretty. Someday I hope to show it to you.

Monday

2007-07-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's Monday, and I can tell.

Eve has been sleeping terribly for about a week, maybe a bit more. Twice I've woken to her cries for me from her room, and found her wandering in the far corners. I actually wonder if she's sleep walking and then waking up and crying because she's no longer in her bed. Needless to say, this neat-o situation is making it very difficult for Tom and I to get enough sleep.

She had a cold last week, and seems to be over it now, but her behavior isn't quite back to normal yet. Remember the bratty/clingy stage she was in a bit ago. She's back in it again.

I am simply trying to enjoy the end of her being my only child. I want to savor every moment, but at the same time, I'm so tired and so tired of some of the antics, that it's hard not to complain. And then, this morning it took us two hours to leave the house, and I was constantly telling her, no, or wait to requests to play with her, hold her, and sit with her. I don't want to have to say no!

Our financial situation is also very Monday-ish. The last Disability payment Tom got was incorrect, so we had to send the check back, but I forgot to cancel the online payments for some very big bills. I hope they don't try to re-cash the check too soon, because one NSF fee (from the bank and the payee) is really quite enough in my opinion. Why do they charge you more money when you clearly don't have enough to begin with?

Even though it wouldn't have changed anything, I'm feeling guilty about the pizza, Teriyaki, and Lattes of last week.

So, I need a new measure of trust in God, because I don't know when we'll get a replacement, correct disability check, and two weeks until the next payday seems a long long ways out. Especially when we're nearly out of TP. :) Luckily, for once, I don't feel that pressing need for food-stuffs that often indicates distrust creeping into my heart. On the other hand, that's merely because we actually have plenty of food. Yay us! I am supremely bummed that I won't be getting a single Latte for two weeks, but that seems like just punishment for not cooking dinner for my family...even once, this week. *blush*

On top of all this, I woke up sometime this morning with much of my body "asleep" because of laying on my right side or back too long. And now baby is back to head up. I've been slacking too much in the positions and exercises for OFP. In fact, I just caught myself slouching.

So, on the bright side...

Tom has the MRI we've been waiting 2 weeks for scheduled for Thursday. That's great news, because that means sometime next week the docs can tell us if he really does need hip surgery, and if he does, they can submit to L&I for approval. With approximately 5 and a half weeks until my due date, this means he may actually get to have surgery (and recover, mostly) before the baby comes. I hate to wish upon myself the full 40 weeks (or, *shudder* over 40 weeks), but I could really use a husband in fine physical health for labor support. And maybe it will work out to allowing him to be recovered enough to help me, but not enough to be back at work, so I could have his company and assistance when the baby is new, not to mention how much Eve will like that, or how nice it will be if he can bond with the baby more than just in the evenings, when he's exhausted and in pain.

We have plenty of food.

We had a great party at our house last night, one that will be somewhat repeated every Sunday night for the rest of July and August (although, depending on baby, and I suppose on Tom's surgery, there may be some interruptions) It was fun and well-attended, and everyone helped out tremendously. The food everyone brought was awesome, and Tom learned that grilling chicken thighs to actual doneness when they are partially frozen is not something he wants to try again. Eve had a total blast, and only needed to be disciplined a handful of times. Of course, she also has a dozen new cuts and bruises, and seems none the worse for wear.

One of my sweet friends gave me a lovely bouquet and an adorable little painted vase. I was to touched! I need to take a picture of it so I can always remember the sweet gift and how beautiful it is!

Even though (non)cooperation from the babysitters seemed bent on destroying any cleaning ambitions I had for the weekend, I managed to actually clean the cat litter box (with soap and water and it's almost as good as the day we bought it now!), mop the kitchen , clean the downstairs bathroom, *and* do all the usual maintenance cleaning and laundry washing that needed to be done. I'm definitely feeling the "nesting" instinct, as I want everything to be REALLY clean, not just mostly-so and tidy. Logically, I figure if I can get everything spotless and shiny, it will be easier to maintain. I also got all of Peanut's clothes and baby items cataloged--so I know what I have and what I need now. I'm wiped out, but it's a good wiped out.

I have a serger lined up to borrow, with means I can make some really light weight, cotton gauze swaddling blankets for the babe, and maybe (depending on cash flow, of course) a gauze wrap to wear the baby in. And i can finish the edges of a knit wrap (or two) I already own.

Before the great disability check debacle, there was an awesome sale at the fabric store and I got everything (fabric-wise) I need to make some perfect light-blocking curtains for Eve's room. I'm not sure what style they will be yet, but given that my time is limited, I think I'll go with simple. Maybe someday I can buy or make Roman shades, but until then, this project will be a huge improvement on the sheets and table clothes. Now I just need to get Tom to pull my sewing table and machine out of the dark recesses and some place I can actually use it.

I finished all the onesies (Post upcoming) for the 5 babies born in April/May at church. Yay! Now I'm finishing a skirt detail that I started for Eve last summer. Good thing I bought a 3T!! Next up, a onesie for Peanut, and another for Baby H, due in August as well. Oh yeah, and one for Paxon as well, who, being with us in the outside world, will probably be first (after the skirt. must. finish. skirt.)

I finished reading a book on creating a birth plan, and now feel I can go into this birth plan writing stuff with a bit more info than last time around. Now finishing up (half way through) Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. Very interesting read. I hope to be all done soon, but I will begin my draft birth plan this week so I can have a good working copy to take to my next doc appointment. I think I need to do the pre-registration stuff at the hospital soon too, so I'll need it basically complete by then. I've also devised a plan to not embitter the L&D nurses with my odd desires to buck the system, by bringing along goodies (mostly chocolate) and getting them on my side before I have to put my foot down about things.

Eve and I really had a lovely morning together on Saturday, before the babysitting that almost wasn't. We read books, with several look-throughs of her baby scrap book. we played with her toys. She felt the baby "move" (he wasn't really moving at the time, but she gently pushed on my tummy and imagined he was moving). We snuggled in my bed after she put one of her babies there for a nap. She played with my hair and stared sweetly at me. She wasn't going to take a nap, which is what usually happens in the day time when we lay down and she plays with my hair. It was so precious to look into her beautiful dark eyes and stare at her lovely translucent skin. She said and did such sweet things, and laughed and smiled a great deal. I want more of those moments.

Last, but certainly not least, a friend has offered to loan me her mini-co-sleeper, which means I no longer need a bed for Peanut!! Totally awesome.

And by now, after cataloging all the good things (and I'm sure I haven't put them all down) I'm feeling much better.

Weaned

2007-06-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly 5 weeks since Eve last nursed. And about 3 since she last asked to.

The last time she nursed was early morning when she crawled into bed with us.

Eve: "Where's my binky?"

Me: "I don't know."

Eve: "I want nummy nums [her term for breastfeeding]"

I let her nurse and she fell back to sleep quickly. I popped her off before she was done, but after she was satisfied and she drifted off, as did I.

I didn't know it would be the very last time, but for each time before that for weeks I tried hard to enjoy and remember our time together, because I knew it could be the last, and I wanted to be able to remember it.

After that night, I began stashing a spare binky on the windowsill at the head of the bed. That way I would always know where one was, if she asked.

The photo at the top of this post was taken by Tom. I was somewhat frantic to get a few shots of Eve nursing before it was over, for her sake and for mine. I remember one time on a Sunday when she nursed to sleep in my lap, and I thought, This could be it, this could be the last time. I don't know where the camera is!!!.

The next time, I prepared, and out of a dozen shots, I actually got her face in about 4 photos, the best of which are below.

Until you've tried it, you simply can't imagine how hard it is to do a "self portrait" of you feeding your baby.

Prior to these shots, the only photo that exists of me nursing Eve was taken about 15 minutes after she was born, in the hospital, with me looking like...well, like I just gave birth with an IV of fluids in my arm (dumb hospital policy). That's kind of a bad record given the number of photos we have of Eve, and the number of hours she spent in her little life nursing.

Assuming I can get my act together, I'll be more careful to get pictures of Eve's little brother nursing earlier and more often. Of course, there is this rumor that you don't take anywhere near as many pictures of your second as you do your first. I am not going to say that won't be true for us, but I do hope there's a higher ratio of breastfeeding photos than in Eve's vast portfolio of photos.

Eve has asked to nurse once since that night. It was early in the morning, and I was downstairs exercising. She wasn't getting enough attention from me, was still tired, and hadn't yet had breakfast or even a drink. I picked her up off the couch and she asked for "nummy nums"

Me: "Sure honey. But would you rather have a snack instead?"

She nodded solemnly, with little perfect tears brimming in her eyes. and said, "uh huh."

So I took her upstairs, got her a bowl of cereal, and she never looked back.

We've spoken about it some. She misses it a little, and she's still interested in my "nummy nums" and talks about how Peanut will have them. She's committed to helping Peanut learn how to nurse.

Her weaning is not quite the perfect weaning I might have hoped for. Due to the need for me to work part time away from home from the time she was about 4 months old, she's always had a certain tolerance for bottles and binkies. Until I became pregnant, the binky was really a second-rate replacement. Since pregnancy, and the subsequent drying-up of what little milk remained, there was a slow but steady shift in preference for the binky.

The upside to this, is she never really had to go through a time when she didn't get to find comfort in sucking. There's was never a need for me to put my foot down and say, "no more" or "only for a moment." There were no tears to this weaning, despite the fact that she has not quite outgrown her need to suck.

The downside, of course, is that I will now have to wean her from the binky, which will be harder, since I have control over my body, but quite a bit less control over little plastic plugs that seem to turn up magically, as if growing right out of the carpet.

Just this week I have really seen the challenges involved in losing a valuable mothering tool like breastfeeding. Eve has her first post-nursing cold, and I cannot comfort her as I once did through the fitful nights. Her behavior has been quite awful, excusable because of her illness, but not the norm. Nursing helped her through discomfort and tough feelings in a way that a binky simply can not do.

In addition, my germaphobe nature is rearing its ugly head. I can no longer provide her with additional nutrients to augment her diet, consisting of almost nothing because of a decreased appetite. I can no longer provide her with my immunities through my breast milk. She's not protected as she once was, and I find myself feeling a bit nervous that we never went to her 2-year well-baby appointment to get another round of vaccines, which before never seemed to be much of a priority.

God knows how frantic I'll feel when she gets the stomach flu. Nursing has been the way to comfort, nourish, and hydrate through such an illness in the past. What will I do if she won't drink? Will a binky and stroking my hair as she rests in my lap be comfort enough? How will we get through it without nursing?

But the biggest challenge I thought I would face hasn't materialized. She falls asleep just as easily (which is not very easily, quite honestly) as she ever did. She still cuddles and strokes my hair, and it's just a little bit harder for me to tell when she is truly asleep, as the binky provides no signals as to how her sucking pattern has changed. I look forward to the day when she won't need the binky, and when it takes a bit less time to get her down for the night, but for now, I don't mind the arrangement (most of the time).

And then there's simply the wistfulness.

I'm sure that if I were not pregnant, and a mere 6 weeks from the due date of this new baby, I would feel a great deal more grief than I do. As it is, I know that another nursing relationship is right around the corner, with all its frustrations and joys. So I can look pragmatically at this weaning as a good and necessary change, inevitable and bitter-sweet.

Eve update

2007-06-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

Well... it's been at least 6 months since I uploaded any new pictures of Eve.

Since that time, we upgraded our software to the latest and greatest iPhoto...and I had to learn a whole new way of creating a photo site. Just as well, the others were getting crowded.

Eve's Winter

And Eve's Spring. Can hardly believe Spring is over, actually. Less than 7 weeks until Eve becomes a big sister (assuming the due date isn't way off.)

O.F.P.

2007-06-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

Stands for Optimal Fetal Positioning...

Last night, I read a little book written for midwives (no friendly layman's terms here--thanks to Dictionary.com, I learned what multigravida means) about the best position for a baby to be in in order to have the least painful, quickest, and safest (i.e. least likely to result in a medical intervention) birth possible. The nice thing about the book was it's very small size. I'll spare you the technical terms (since I certainly don't have them memorized) and just tell you that it's head down (duh) and baby's back against mom's front left side (centered between bellybutton and left hip)

A professional can tell by palpitation of your uterus what position your baby is in, but if you want a clue, you're hoping for the heartbeat to be heard on the lower left of your bump, so if your doc (or other care provider) puts the little Doppler microphone up high or on the right (and finds the heartbeat he or she is looking for), you may wish to try changing your baby's position. Also, If you feel a lot of movement up front, (or, I would assume, on your left) your baby is probably not optimally positioned. There was also some detailed information about the shape of your bump, and I get the feeling the cute, basketball-under-your-shirt look is what you're going for. Flat on top or in front indicates a less than ideal position.

When do you need to worry about this? Around the time your baby "engages" (which means lowers himself (or herself) into your pelvis in preparation for being born) This can happen as early as 6 weeks before birth, especially for first-timers. It can happen as late as when labor begins for those who have been there, done that. However, since the positions and activities for achieving OFP aren't all that difficult, it seems like a good idea to begin thinking about this around the 34 week mark, especially if your goal is a natural, intervention-free birth at a hospital, as much of the time, you are on your own as how to actually accomplish such an anomaly.

The bad news: A lot of what you may be doing each day could be contributing to poor positioning. lounging (leaning back past 90 degrees) on the cough or in the Lazy boy while you nourish your baby with high-calcium, high-protein snacks such as Haagandaz bars and bowls of ice cream (oh wait, that's just me?), abdominal exercises, and even squatting pre-labor can contribute to poor positioning. There's also lying and sleeping on your back--but most mainstream pregnancy guides advise against this already. As a good rule-follower, I'm sure you aren't doing this, but I am. Every morning (and every time I wake in the night) I find myself on my back, despite having diligently positioned myself on my left side the last time I fell asleep.

I've been lounging...well, whenever I relax, since childhood, and I find myself wishing to relax more and more as pregnancy progresses. Just a few weeks ago, I patted myself on the back for borrowing (and exercising to) a prenatal exercise DVD that includes quite a lot of squatting and abdominal contractions (basically pulling in your abs, since sit-ups aren't advised during pregnancy).

Lounging (and lying or sleeping on your back) is bad because gravity works to swing your baby's back against yours. If your baby remains in this position, you will have painful back labor at the very least, and the babe may get stuck when trying to exit through your pelvis. Differing angles cause sizes and shapes of baby's head and your pelvis to not match up in this position.

Ab work (or previously well-toned abs that have retained their tautness) is (are) a no-no because they tend to narrow the lower part of the uterus (the uterus itself is not exercised or changed by ab work, but rather the area the uterus resides in shrinks) which will discourage a baby from placing his head down...since his feet fit much better there.

I'm not quite so clear on why squats are a bad idea--and I know for sure they're a good idea during labor. But, it has something to do with the angle of the spine to the pelvis. Modified squats (wall squats, that keep your back straight and at a 90 degree angle to your pelvis) are okay. Did I mention this book, though blessedly short, was rather hard to read? Hence, my lack of full understanding regarding the "why" of this particular point.

All of this might explain why Peanut was head-down 2 weeks ago, and at my appointment this past Monday had decided to be head-up instead. Of course, even though he was head down last time, his heart beat was still on the right... so that's better than breach, but not great.

Lessons?

Sit leaning forward, or at the very least, straight up and down. Easier to do if you scoot all the way to the edge of the couch or chair and place your feet at least hip-distance apart. Or, kneel, lean forward, and support yourself with something (like a Pilates ball) above waist-height.

Don't do ab work. :( I guess I'll just have to wait until postpartum to firm up.

Do wall squats or climb stairs to keep those thigh muscles strong enough for upright positions in labor. Don't do regular deep squatting (squats that keep your rear higher than your knees are okay).

And...as you've heard time and again, don't lay or sleep on your back. Instead, choose your left side, legs comfortably bent, with your top knee crossed over the bottom one and resting on the mattress. Or, if you can afford the luxury, and desperately miss sleeping on your stomach, as I do, buy a Baby Wink pillow.

Bait and switch

2007-06-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

I know, last time I promised I would post something funny, or crafty or give updated pictures. Sorry!

I'm just gonna catch you all up on the latest.

God's been providing in amazing ways for us financially (and otherwise) during my husband's surgery recovery. Tom's back to work now, and I'm struggling to curb my reaction to buy everything I couldn't buy on the "No discretionary spending, period." Budget. You know the one, where if it costs money, you can't have it, even if it's almost, nearly free? or name-brand and 95% off? Not even if it's an emergency? (define emergency? can you LIVE without it? Yes? Not an emergency.) Yeah, that one. Keeping myself from wild spending is especially difficult considering I have 7 weeks to my due date, and maternity leave that may or may not end. If it does end, it will merely be to get us onto the "so little discretionary income that you might as well not do any discretionary spending." Budget. (under which, you can get the emergency items, like when Eve doesn't have any pants that fit, or when I run out of prenatal vitamins. Or when I really, really need ice cream--but hopefully after the baby arrives, I'll stop having those kind of cravings) The baby still needs a bed, and my wists, del.icio.us bookmarks, and Amazon wish list are filled with items for Peanut, Eve, and myself that seem like rather reasonable wants, if not outright needs. I'd also love to upgrade our Netflix from 2 a month to 1-at-a-time unlimited, oh! The luxury. And what I wouldn't give for a cute, comfortable pair of black boot-cut yoga pants for postpartum lounging, instead of the oh-so-lovely sweats I'm sure I'll be in.

I'm not sure I was genetically designed for frugal living, but I've been doing it now to one degree or another since my first pregnancy. And actually, I find myself no less happy (if not more so) than when I could go shopping for myself(!!!) at the drop of a hat. I'll even go so far as to say I've noticed no real increase in unfulfilled purchasing desires--my unfulfilled purchasing desires have changed drastically, so much of what was on the list 4 years ago wouldn't even make my "large amounts of discretionary income" Budget these days. Because, really, who has time or energy to go shoe shopping at Nordstrom every few months? Shopping for myself has become torture, so I just don't want to do it.

Speaking of shoe shopping, I bought new shoes! I really wanted a fun red pair that would "spice up" my boring maternity wardrobe and make me feel a little more cheerful when I'm still wearing this stuff at too-many-weeks postpartum. I ended up with a nice light-ish brown pair of fashion sneakers. They didn't have the pink and brown ones in my size, and I couldn't just not buy anything, since I was using a gift certificate, and Tom had come along to keep Eve happy. It would have been a terrible slap in his face for me to go home empty handed after he worked so hard to keep Eve out of my way for the forever it took me to find something even reasonably cute and comfy.

And speaking of Tom, after his knee surgeon released him for work, the surgeon's assistant who's been working with Tom on his hip and back (diagnosing if there's an indication for surgery or not) told him he needs another MRI on his hip with likely surgery there as well, if they find what they think they will on the MRI. I just hope that he's either fully recovered from this second surgery by the time I go into labor, or he doesn't have surgery until a few weeks after the baby arrives. All the more reason, I suppose, for me to save instead of spend. This working stint of Tom's may be short-lived. Just imagine the cool stuff God will have to do to continue to provide for us if both Tom and I are off work at the same time! Exciting times, I tell you.

Eve. She's swung a bit from the bratty and clingy to the sweet and sassy. She's frequently told me that she loves me, with no prompting and without my having it said it first. That just melts my heart. That, coupled with spontaneous hugs and kisses, and how can I complain about a few instances of defiance or tantrums when my little girl loves me? I can't. And, having only spent a few days trying to puzzle things out, I have discovered that Eve is much more likely to be grumpy, clingy and disobedient when tired (duh) or hungry (hmmm). One would think that an hour after breakfast, there would be no immediate, emergent need for sustenance, but when one recalls that someone has only consumed the thin layer of cream cheese from the top of half a bagel, complimented by two small bites of said bagel, it becomes a bit more clear that a snack is required.

Eve Got to take a small zip-lock bag filled with raisins, Cheerios, and Honey Bee Grahams in the car on the way to church this past Sunday, and then into Nursery with her, and reportedly (since I gave Tom the ultimatum that if he could descend and climb the stairs at home, he could descend and climb the nursery stairs at church just as well, and that, as such, I would no longer take Eve to nursery. Ever.) she went easily and without complaint. And several times over the weekend, food solved whatever ills were causing her to whine and cling desperately. I've decided that's one important key to keeping her compliant and cheerful, or at least making those behaviors somewhat more likely.

Potty training is basically dead with us. She hasn't willingly gone except right before bedtime to prolong her right to remain out of bed for as long as possible. We have, though, wasted several hours waiting for her to go when Tom is sure she will go as soon as we put a diaper back on her. This usually follows us hearing Eve shut her bedroom door, only to check on her and find her hiding at the far end of her bunk bed and yelling at us to go out--a sure sign she's about to fill her diaper with an odiferous surprise. It's just as well, as the imminent arrival of Peanut will no doubt reverse any progress we make in the next 7 weeks.

Sleeping is going fairly well. For Eve that is. I won't even start on how torturous both Tom and I are finding night time these days (I, due to Peanut, and he due to the re-institution of Vicodin as a night-cap, since working is much more painful for Tom than simply watching Eve during the day). Eve sleeps until 5 or 6 in the morning very consistently these days (and sometimes much later), and joins us in our bed until 7 or 8, depending on the day. She is also going to sleep more easily and quickly. This may be due to the horrid make-shift light-blocking sheets and table clothes we've hung up (I will take a picture, but it may be years before I upload it), or it may be due to the fact that we've been putting her to bed later because of social obligations or mere absentmindedness (on my part). Or it may be a combo. I definitely credit her sleeping in the morning to the light-blocking, but since the days continue to grow longer, and it's light until 10 or so each night now, her room is still fairly bright at bedtime (8:00 PM if we get it done on time). My spending impulse is rearing its ugly head every time I look at what I've done to those windows. Oh for the ease and appearance of some actual curtains.

Despite the improvement in discipline, and my commitment not to go hog-wild with my husband's bigger paychecks (which admittedly haven't yet started rolling in) I did take the opportunity today to buy a few discipline books off Amazon when I made my required prenatal vitamin purchase. Combining shipping, you know. If any of you have read Grace-Based Parenting or Heartfelt Discipline please let me know what you think of them. I should be getting them in the mail just in time to read a few chapters before Peanut arrives. ;)

Ooh, and speaking of reading, from the library (which is stocked in a rather friendly manner toward natural childbirth, at least when compared to Christian parenting) I've been enjoying Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Creating your Birth Plan. Both are very informative, although I'm definitely getting more out of the Birth Plan book at the moment, as I'm still in the mother-written birth stories section of Ina May's book. I don't mind the birth stories, but I am rather particular about writing style, and have never enjoyed birth stories more than those written by Peggy Vincent in Baby Catcher. If you are at all interested in birth stories, or natural birth, I highly recommend this book.

So there you go, all caught up.

Oh! I almost forgot. My latest online addiction (must get in as much as I can before I'm tied to a chair and a breastfeeding baby for hours and hours and... hours and....) is Sk*rt! a new Digg-esque social news site for women. I find endless ways to distract and entertain myself, and I've added at least a dozen new and interesting blogs to my Bloglines account, so if there's ever a slow news day on sk*rt, I can catch up on my ever-increasing RSS feeds. Anyway, this post is being submitted there in a late attempt to enter a contest their running with fun prizes that would be perfect for Peanut and I (and that just might reduce my list of unfulfilled purchasing desires to boot!) so if you're reading this, please go join sk*rt (if you haven't already) and vote for my link!

Discipline

2007-06-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling this post won't interest all of you. I promise that my next post will be entertaining, or full of crafty goodness, or at the very least, I'll post some more recent pictures of everyone's favorite 2.5 year old.

So...Eve's been going through a bit of a difficult time lately. I think a lot of it is age. I know some of it is the recent and temporary change of being cared for by daddy while mom's away at work and not by Grandma. I know some of it is that fact that she weaned a bit over 2 weeks ago, and had been on the fast track to weaning for several months prior to that. Some of it might be due to my pregnancy and change in my level of energy and patience. And of course, it has much to do with her age.

Disobedient and willful seem like pretty good descriptions of her behavior right now. Coupled with very recent bouts of extreme clinginess, and general whininess and emotional bouts of tears for no apparent reason. I'm sure there's a reason, I'm just not sure what it is.

This has brought discipline and my approach and philosophy regarding her behavior to the forefront of my mind as well as Eve's dad's. He's always been one for swift negative discipline and chastisement. I've swung more toward the positive reinforcement of good behavior and gentle discouragement of bad behavior. Of course, my natural inclination when sorely tested is often negative discipline, and so time-outs are used rather liberally in our house. Tom spanks Eve's hand for more severe infractions. None of what we've done recently has changed her behavior any, at least not an hour or so after the previous incident. I, of course, wonder if we're making things worse. It's hard to tell though, since living in time as we do, we can't go back and try a different approach and see how the rest of the ride goes had we done y instead of x two days ago. Too bad, really, as it would make for a much more scientific approach.

What brought me to posting on this today is a book that's making its rounds at our church called Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Now, I've never read the book, and only one of the couples studying the book do I *know* to share my beliefs about nurturing children, so I really can't say much about it first hand. However, in various conversations with other ladies in the church, I've gotten the impression that the message is: when we punish our children for misbehavior, we need to reinforce our wishes with scripture to show how they are not only disobeying and making *us* unhappy, but that they are disobeying and making God unhappy as well. From my conversations, there's also some self-discipline, heart-examining stuff for the parents (to try to be calm rather than reacting in anger) and the advice to pray for our children (which I wholeheartedly agree with).

So, here's the conundrum. I do want to teach Eve about God, the bible, and that obedience to her parents and the bible is...um, biblical. However, I don't want to make God into the bad guy. "Don't do that because it makes God upset." "God says to do X, not Y" "Is that a Godly way of...?" Using scripture is great, but scripture is meaningless and downright foolishness to someone without the Holy Spirit of God in their heart.

So that brings up that question, I guess. Does my 2.5 year old have the Holy Spirit? I come from a "Conversion" background and one that emphasises the idea that we choose Christ. I'm moving toward the idea that Christ chooses us and we then respond, but I'm still not sure how that works with young hearts that I would previously have labeled as being below the age of accountability--as in, can't be held accountable for their Sin because they are too young to understand "Sin" and the separateness from God due to sin, and our need for forgiveness, and can't "convert" because of this lack of understanding.

I do believe that apart from Christ, we can't please God, and that all our behaviors could have some scripture applied to show us how we are displeasing God. Only the Holy Spirit living in and through us allows us to please God in any way. In the same way, we understand sin and can turn from specific sinful behaviors as those behaviors are revealed to us through scripture and the Holy Spirit, by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the Grace and Forgiveness of Christ which allows us to get to this place.

I feel like this book instead teaches our children that they must try harder to meet the expectations of their parents and of God, and that they must do it under their own power, which will simply lead to failure and frustration, and a belief that we have to work to earn God's approval. I think it's this kind of message that leads so many children of Christian parents to rebellion and to turn from God and their parents. Because the God their parents taught them about is not the God of the bible, of the Gospel of Grace and Love, but a distortion that shows God to be concerned with what we do rather than our hearts, and makes him out to be a big meanie who has impossible expectations and metes out punishment when we fail to attain perfection on our own.

So, I'm left with the knowledge that I want to communicate to Eve that God is a God of forgiveness. I've known that all along. But I still don't know what that means practically speaking. I don't know how to teach her of God's goodness. I don't know how to encourage her toward good behavior while having God in the picture in any way--honestly, I don't even, at this point, want to use God in the positive reinforcement. For instance, I can tell her that it makes me and her daddy (and any number of other loved ones) very happy when she sets her cup down instead of dumping out the "excess" water when she's no longer thirsty, but I can't honestly say that makes God happy, because is God ever happy with our measly "righteousness" when the bible refers to such as filthy (bloody) rags?

Honestly, I'm really frustrated with the situation. I feel like our attempts at discipline aren't working. I feel like we're not doing much to teach Eve about God in any fashion. And I simply don't know what to do about it. And if the best our church can give us is a method for guilting our child into better behavior whilst slowly turning her heart against God, then where do we turn for a more Gracious way of going about all this?

long time no blog

2007-04-18T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hey there. It's been so long it almost feels like it's worse to post than to just forget I ever had a blog. But, I find myself with some time at the moment, so, meh, why not?

I'm about 24 weeks pregnant. Surprise!

It's supposedly a boy. Surprise!

Eve is still not potty trained. erm...surprised?

But, Eve is sleeping through the night (until 5 or 6 AM or so, at which point she sleeps in our bed for an hour or two more) more often than not these days, which is cool. Yay for her new Ikea bunk bed!

What else. Well, pregnancy this time around has been very different than time number 1. I'll leave it at that so I won't bore you with the details, but it's weird, I thought I knew what pregnancy was all about, but of course, I'm an expert on my pregnancy with Eve, and that's about it.

One exciting complication of life with Peanut (Eve named him, and she knew it was a boy before we did--now she goes around telling those who ask that "the doctor SAID it's a boy.") is I'm allergic to basically everything under the sun. I list it for you:

Milk sugar (more commonly known as lactose intollerance) causing me to need to avoid all milk products as well as anything made with any milk products.
Corn, causing me to need to avoid all corn in all forms, including in powdered sugar, all tasty hard candy, and baking powder. Good bye baked goods!

With just those two, I basically have to be suspicious of anything I don't make myself. Sometimes I get lucky and find a tasty store-bought treat and then sometimes I get unlucky, and seemingly completely safe favorites turn out to make me ill by some mysterious means.

Then, the list grows:
Grapes (good thing wine is out for a while anyway, right?)
carrots
shellfish
white fish (not Whitefish, but simply any white-fleshed fish. salmon seems my only safe seafood bet. Oh, and sardines, but those are kinda tough to eat for other reasons.
Asparagus (not sure on this one yet, it's still "in testing" -- as in, I don't like it so much that I'm going to keep trying to find out if I *can* have it, and just assume I can't and avoid it.)
Strawberries
One or more of the three berries in the frozen berry blend I have at home consisting of rasberries, blackberries, and blueberries.

This really is a ramble, isn't it? So, anyway, even when I'm really careful to cut those things out, I'll still mysteriously get ill for no obvious reason. This led me to visit a naturopath to try to figure out what I could eat and what I couldn't and at the same time feed myself and peanut so he grows to be at least as healthy as Eve (who came out at 8.5 lbs, and never lost weight, and has always been of the lovely, slighly roundish type.)

She put me on an evil diet that cuts out everything that was left that I could eat. No, not really, just all dairy (I had resorted to taking Lactaid pills so I could eat icecream, because darn it, I'm pregnant! and I could almost always get away with nice hard cheeses, like cheddar and swiss) mushrooms, anything fermented (all vinegars) and anything made with yeast -- like the bread that I toasted each morning for breakfast and slathered with peanut butter that I'm now also not supposed to eat, the same bread I often made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of for lunch. Oh, and sugar, so the jelly is out too.

I *am* allowed to have fruit, veggies, home-made yogurt (completely lactose-free after 24 hours of cooking!) non-processed proteins (most of the processed stuff, like lunch meats, bacon, hotdogs, etc. were out anyway because of corn) and whole grains. I can even have bread if I make it myself without white flour, yeast, or baking powder (you know, because of the corn) No, I may not have natural sugars like honey or molasses. I started chopping up dates to put in my oatmeal, because it just began to taste like glue completely plain with no milk and no brown sugar. It's acceptable now with dates and chopped almonds and a bit of yogurt, but it's still not really yummy. For dessert I puree mangos, bananas, and other fruit I've got laying about with the plain yogurt and then put it in the freezer just long enough to get kind of an icey crust on the top and sides. It's no Bryers, but then, I can eat it, and I can't eat Bryers, so it wins for the time being.

I've been feeling rather sorry for myself. Then again, I remember thinking and praying about not gaining so much darn weight this time around (60 lbs with Eve, and I'd only lost 52 of those by the time i got preggers again). My first trimester was really promising, since I had no appetite whatsoever, and didn't gain an ounce. Then, of course, once food appealed to me again, I started eating what I could that didn't include corn. I managed to do pretty well, but they do make some chocolate and icecream without corn, so I was making up for lost time fairly quickly. Since going on this even more restrictive diet a few weeks ago, I've managed to, I think, lose weight, which is a bit concerning for a pregnant gal, but at the same time, I think this time around I won't have trouble staying in the 25 to 30 lb weight gain range...that is, if I can even reach 25. I just have to eat more broiled chicken and almonds... because the fruit and limited selection of veggies doesn't seem to be doing much to help me gain at the traditionally hoped-for rate.

Aren't you glad we had this little chat?