The Swallow days

The Swallow days occur for a short period of time--usually 3 days--here at our little lake in late August or early September, when the Swallows, en masse, begin to head South. They take a small holiday from their journey right here, literally at our very house. They snack on bugs and fly around in such large groups as to look like swarms of bugs themselves.

I took some photos of them which don't do their beauty, agility, or sheer numbers justice, but serve to give you a small taste of those things.





In addition to Swallows, this is one of the few times each year we get to see a Falcon close up. This one was, no doubt, waiting for the right opportunity to thin the flock. No better time, certainly.



I can't help but be happy and energetic on these days, as the life and activity of these creatures fills me with joy. I feel so blessed that my home is right in their path.

They serve to remind me, as so much of my life these days, that God is the great provider, and that I ought not be anxious for anything. These birds aren't concerned about tomorrow, they simply take what is given today, and let tomorrow worry over itself.

Eve and I, and even Israel, spent a lot of time gazing out our windows, leaving chores undone in order to enjoy the spectacle of such natural entertainment.

Thank you, Lord, for such pleasures!

Happy Easter!

Today we celebrate Christ's resurrection. Part of that celebration includes dying eggs. I know, it's more of a pagan aspect of celebrating spring and new life, but the egg is a part of the Jewish celebration of passover and a classic symbol of the three-in-one God as well, not to mention that it is Easter that gives us new life, so why not celebrate with some fun? Plus, devilled eggs and egg salad are so yummy.



This was our first year coloring eggs, and Eve did a great job. I only got a picture of one, because Eve is *that* in to eating them. I'll be honest, they didn't turn out the way I like, and I think next year we'll try some natural dying techniques and brown eggs. This year was just too hectic.

We are off to a family dinner. I hope that today, as many celebrate the essential and defining aspect of Christianity, Christ's resurrection from the death that reconciled us to God, that you, if you celebrate or not, will have a day of Grace and blessing.

I don't think this post is really worth reading...

but if you insist on doing so, don't say I didn't warn you.

No pictures, no crafts, no funny stories. Seriously, you can go read the delightful blogs in my new "current faves" list (check the sidebar blog roll), or the Seaside blogs, or check out the groups I'm a part of on Flickr. All more entertaining.

I have to finish up community service (5 hours left to go before Monday!!), so all my free time has been going in to that, and crafting is taking a way-back burner to everything else. So much so that even though I only have to attach the straps to Eve's backpack which I started just after Christmas, and I only have to weave in the fringe on her scarf, which I otherwise finished quite sometime ago, and one of the 4 shirts I need to embroider quick-like is two colors and probably 20 minutes of stitching away from being finished, they will all probably stay unfinished in the exact current state they're in (the backpack is actually under the needle on the machine) for some time.

I did tell you about the 27 hours of community service I get to do at church to pay off my school zone speeding ticket, right? I'm so happy I can do this, because I have no idea where the money would have come from to pay it. But, it was somewhat bad timing, since Tom had surgery right in the middle of my 60 days to complete the service in, and that basically took me out of commission for any kind of service for at least 21 of those days. So, now it's crunch time.

Eve is sick and if the little coughs Israel had this morning are any indication (of which I'm quite certain), I can expect him to be feeling pretty nasty by Friday. I just hope this will pass without any trips to the doctor or hospital. It's funny, with Eve, I took her in once for an ear infection when she was very young (under 3 months, I think) and otherwise never took her in except for well-child visits (which were much fewer and farther between than normal). But, since having Israel, I feel like we go to the doctor all the time. I know part of that is our more dedicated well-child schedule, and the fancy, spread out vaccine schedule I have Israel on, that has us going in once a month right now, but I've also taken Eve in for illnesses more than ever...all in the last 6 months.

Israel is *so* ready to crawl. He is up on all fours and rocking his little heart out. He's desperate to move, and can kind of throw and roll himself around. As soon as he figures out how to move his hands, he will be shooting around the house like a rocket, I think. We're also working on sitting, which he doesn't like nearly as well, since it's, you know, stationary. But, he can do it with a little support for long periods, and with no support for a few seconds.

Tom is recovering slowly. Too slowly for both of us. But, I think we had unreasonable expectations, so there you go. He tried for the first time walking without crutches last night, because using one crutch (which he started on Monday) is hurting his back. He says it's very painful, and I'm sure that's true, but I think he would rather that than his back hurt.

I hesitate to post this. I think I liked blogging better when no one knew I did it. Maybe I need to quit blogging and start journaling privately instead, because this is the kind of thing I'm not sure I want to share. But here goes. I'm going through some interesting struggles. I think my own resources finally ran out. 6 months of pouring out and not really be poured into have taken their toll. The result is a great deal of unfocused angst and confusion. I feel lost...or at least blind. I do think some time to craft might help me decompress, but that's not something I can do right now. I was hoping more time reading the bible, being in study with others and on my own, listening to the sermons I've missed basically for all of 2008, and praying more would make things better. Either it's all still not enough, or it simply isn't going to do what I want it to do, because I still feel blind and confused and vaguely disappointed. I feel like the God I thought I knew is not at all what I thought, I feel betrayed by my own understanding, like I've taken a dozen steps back from where I once was, and I'm full of apprehension about what is beyond my very limited range of sight. I want to be fixed, but I don't really know what to do to make that happen, or what not to do, or what. Generally speaking, I'm too lazy to persist in a negative state of mind for long, so I'm surprised that I've managed to maintain this discontent for weeks, despite desiring and expending effort to be content, to be joyful, to be renewed. I'm frustrated.

I hope Tom, Israel, and I can stay healthy enough to be able to go out on Valentines day tomorrow with Tom's brother and sister-in-law, I think I could use it. I guess I should really be hoping Eve is healthy enough to go to the babysitting "event" at church. Darn.

And a happy new year

Well, I imagine by the time I get around to those promised pictures, even all *my* Christmas decorations will be repacked for the year.

Last night was the first night in a week that Israel went to bed for the night after only 1 wake up, that Eve went to bed without any wake ups, and that Israel did not get up at 6. Thank goodness, because the secret to my success is that Eve didn't go to sleep until 10, and Israel not until 11. Needless to say, getting to sleep in was a welcome relief, but ill-timed since today is a work day. I was so late that the gal I share a desk with had moved in for the day, expecting me not to come in at all.

This has been a year of high highs and low lows for us.

We welcomed a new and wonderful son, a new and wonderful niece, and a new brother-in-law. We were blessed so much by friends and family, and the mysterious and yet tangible ways in which God provides and loves us. We truly became a part of our new church and feel at home there, and continue to strengthen our friendships, even as we add to them. We received a Christmas card from an old friend I was quite certain had been killed in action (so regular was his correspondence prior to 2006), so I'm delighted to have, in essence, received him back from the dead--and with a wife as well (now I know what was keeping him so busy, or rather who.) In light of the highs, the lows don't really matter so much.

My hopes for 2008 include:
Healing, both emotionally and physically for Tom.
That my son will continue to grow as issue-free as he has so far and as his sister has.
That my daughter will continue to grow more delightful and accomplished, and perhaps just a little more tempered and tractable.
That Tom's side of the family will have no more alarming and devastating health diagnoses, and no deaths either.
That my side of the family will meet with life, health, and success. I wouldn't mind if my brothers' wives turned up expecting either.
That my crafty skills will increase and that I will be able to accomplish a rather ambitious to-do list which I've laid out for myself.
That I might have just a bit of money to spend on myself, and maybe obtain a pair of truly flattering trousers.
That I would love others in such a manner that they would know so and be blessed.
And last, but probably most importantly, that I would increase in love and knowledge of Jesus Christ.

On the third day of Christmas...

I finally have a chance to post.

I hope to someday post pictures and stories of our Advent activities and Christmas parties.

I intend to post an over-full craft post to show you all the fun things I finished just in time, and those that must be gifts for later days of Christmas.

But today, I'll simply wish you the true, deep, everlasting joy of Christmas. The coming of God to earth as a child isn't over when the Christmas trappings go on clearance. His gift is for us whenever we come to recognize it.

I read a beautiful, painful post today that I must share. So go to sweet | Salty, read, and then hold your children with a new sense of appreciation for them, even in the trials. Though I know it's not a direct correlation, I can only imagine that this is akin to the pain of Mary. How sweet to hold your child in your arms, for how ever long you're allowed.

:(

I got the flu this weekend. Yuck. I guess it's been a while since I had the flu, because I really can't remember the last time I felt that awful. Thursday night and Friday were the worst, but Saturday wasn't too great either. Today is better...I'm not on tylenol, and yet I'm also not shivering and feeling cold in an 80 degree room. Progress.

Tom's parents took Eve on Friday for most the day and then overnight. Friday was supposed to be a great day for us--I was going to spend all my time embroidering, and Tom was going to play Xbox 360 (did I tell you he won a free xbox 360? I'm happy for him, but not so much for me, being an xbox widow is at least as bad as being a football widow...except there is really no end to it...it's there 24/7). Well, my head was killing me all day with or without the mild drugs that I can take, and without electricity, huddled in the basement where it's warm and sunlight not exactly spilling in through the windows, I got very little embroidery done, and didn't enjoy my day in the least. And Tom was worse off--at least I could sleep and feel I was doing all I really wanted to. Tom was bored and xboxless...and he doesn't like to read or do anything crafty, so he was totally bored until about 3 P.M. when the power came back.

Thursday night after it took just a bit longer than expected to get Eve to sleep, Tom and I fought about Eve and sleeping and our vastly differing parenting philosophies. I hate when that happens. Actually, it's been long enough since we fought about parenting philosophies in general that I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking maybe Tom had come to see things my way. We called a truce fairly quickly, but it just brings up all of my conflicting thoughts on how far to go with this...do I "submit" and let him take the reigns so our children can be neither seen nor heard? That's really too harsh...he loves his kids, but he thinks that it's my refusal to let Eve cry it out in her bed that has made her a poor sleeper, he thinks co-sleeping is designed by the devil (tongue in cheek) to prohibit parental intimacy and sleep (his, specifically), and thinks that if we just bottle fed, our children would have no preference between he and I, and either of us could take care of their needs at any time of day or night. I disagree (of course, right? That's why we fight), I don't think that bottle feeding would remove the children's preference for their mom when they need compassion and comfort, and if we kicked the kids out of our bed entirely, Tom might get more sleep, but I would be up a million times a night to feed or comfort, well, unless I could somehow render myself def so I could just leave them to cry themselves back to sleep. What it comes down to, is I feel that the way he wants to do things is entirely about his comfort and convenience, while my motivation is to do what is the very best for my children, even if it costs my comfort and is inconvenient.

Sigh. It's been a constant struggle since Eve came, and it would be so nice to be at peace together about this, but I don't see that anywhere on the horizon. If I do give in...how could I? But if I did, I would feel my children were being robbed of precious and irreplacable commodities, and I'm sure I'd have to resign myself to that each day, as I would also have to forgive Tom each day or stew in unrelenting bitterness toward him for harming my children.

Either way, I can see why Tom doesn't want more kids. I really do, but it would be nice to get past the time in their lives that seems to cause us the most strife and move on to older childhood where breastfeeding is in the distant past and sleeping in their own bed is a given. Plus, we'd never have to deal with the circumcision question again or imperfect births.

Like I said, we've called a truce. I don't even know if Tom has given this stuff another thought...but I can't stop. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's best for my children, if I separate it from the fact that I don't know if I'm doing what's best for my marriage with their father, but I do know the relationships are deeply entwined. If I say I am in the wrong in my marriage, then I guess the question comes down to: What's worse for my children? My behavior toward their dad or taking away breastfeeding, responsiveness to their cries, and warmth and comfort in the middle of the dark and lonely night? I really, honestly don't know.

So...I think I might be making all this sound worse than it is...it's the conflict in my mind that is most bitter. Tom and I are doing fine, though there's always room for improvement.

And now that I'm feeling better, Peanut has the flu. Poor little guy. I guess it's good that I got it first so I know what he's going through. He was not himself last night, and now I know why. Today he's listless, but sleeping peacefully and cheerful as long as the tylenol controls his fever.

Thoughts on God

Israel is 9 weeks old now. Time has flown by. It's strange, even though I wouldn't say it's been easy I was *so* afraid of how things would be with Eve, but now I see there was no reason to fear, or simply God has given me peace about it.

Eve doesn't seem jealous at all. And Peanut has been such an easy baby, I have plenty of time to spend with her. Yes, there are definitely behavioral challenges, but those are par for the course, I think, with or without a new little brother.

I've had a much better week in parenting than I was having when I last posted. I was feeling so angry and even hateful (I hate to admit it) toward Eve, and every little thing she did, even very innocent things, seemed to push all my buttons. The thoughts I had were really awful, 180 degrees from loving and gentle. As I mentioned last time, I have totally been, simply put, just too busy to spend much time with God, and doing so seemed like such a...well, waste of time when I have so many projects and responsibilities that require productivity. But, after that last post, I faced the fact that I was suffering for it, and so was my family.

So, over the past week I've been reading Amos, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and John. I'm reading Amos because that's what our Pastor is preaching on. Proverbs, because I can just choose the chapter based on the date of the month, so it's easy. Ecclesiastes on a whim, and John, because it's the gospel with which I am least familiar. I find my days simply go better, and I have more Patience and peace when I start my day relating with God before I face the challenges of parenting (and, erm...wifing?). Tom's been great in trying to give me a somewhat uninterrupted time in which to read, drink my tea, and eat breakfast.

I'm not doing any deep study, just reading and reflecting. I notice that Solomon, or whoever wrote Ecclesiastes is bitter. The great wisdom he had didn't bring him happiness or peace. Contrast this with King David, his father, and this "man after God's heart" shows that Love is better than wisdom. I am a knowledge seeker...and this, combined with some other reading I've been doing, convicted me that I need to seek God more and rely on his spirit when parenting, and that will serve me much better, not to mention my children. I can't be the parent I need to be under my own power, and when I try I feel defeated and frustrated, and my goal of having a deep and loving relationship with my children is hindered by my behavior and reactions.

Praying for guidance in parenting is not a new idea, and I've frequently in the past realized I needed to do it, and then failed to follow through, a total un-piphany.

I've also been reading Heartfelt Discipline. It's not new to me to read a different perspective on the "Rod" verses in Proverbs, but it was a fuller explanation than I'd previously had. Common Christian belief about these verses is that they constitute a Christian imperative to spank and punish our young children. One really interesting point the author made is that the word for Rod is not a symbolic word, so if you're going to implement it biblically, you're talking a big heavy stick, used to beat slaves and animals. Additionally, the age group that is being addressed, contextually in Proverbs, is young men and fathers of young men, who need to be guided to the path of life and light--not to young children.

The book reminded me, again, to seek God for guidance in parenting, and to be led by the holy spirit. It also has some practical guidelines for relating to our children. So far it's covered having sympathy for our children, and encouraging them biblically. I especially like one idea for encouragement that points back to the stone monuments in the Old Testament, which father's were supposed to point out to their children to tell them about God's faithfulness. The author suggests as a family reflecting on God's faithfulness over the past year, month, whatever, and then drawing pictures to represent those instances of God's work in our lives, and collecting those in a notebook that can be reviewed whenever we need encouragement or are facing tough times. Seems like a good Thanksgiving activity.