Let's try Gratituesday...

Okay, so I'll be honest, Gratituesday--the word--kinda makes me giggle, it's so silly. But, I made a secret plan to start blogging more regularly this month, and maybe this year (surprise!!) we'll see how it goes. and Gratituesday as an idea is appealing to me.

Gratituesday is hosted by Heavenlyhomemakers, where you can find not only Laura's post on what she's grateful for, but a whole list of other grateful bloggers too! And not just today, but *every* Tuesday.

This Tuesday, I'm grateful for relative good health. I know, that sounds tepid. Quite honestly, between Tom's injury and my food issues, I can't say we're in perfect health. However, we have no acute illnesses, and after Eve's bout with the tummy flu over a week ago, that's really saying something!

God's been good to us in keeping us all from back to back illness, and so far this season, our ailments have been mild, few, and far between. This enabled many more blessings to be grateful for, since we haven't had to miss many gatherings of good friends or family, and I haven't had to miss work.

What are you grateful for today? If you decide to join in on Gratituesday over at Heavenly Homemakers let me know by leaving a comment here. I'd love to hear how you're experiencing God's goodness today!

A pictoral goodbye to 2008

that's not to say that I won't be posting more about 2008 in January...but here are some pics which require little commentary, and a far past-due for posting.





































There you go, knocked out all of October and November with one post! Whee!


Happy New Year!

Child Labor

The darker side of why my house is always spotless...

Milestones

Isreal is one. It's gone by way too fast...



He's really great at walking now, and he loves to climb...scares me nearly to death! He wants to go and do so much, but luckily, he still loves to snuggle and takes great joy in people.

He's a great hugger--he'll hug you on command: "hugs!" He will also make kissing sounds when I say "kiss" and sometimes he'll even give kisses.

He is very in to music. every time he hears even a musical...sound, he'll start rocking and bobbing. And during his little adventures around the house I've heard him humming--simply adorable!

He can sign "all done", claps enthusiastically, and I think he tried to sign to nurse the other day--he seemed pretty pleased with himself. I'm not great about teaching him signs...but he is getting it, so I should work on it.

He doesn't talk a lot. He makes a ton of noises, and communicates...but he doesn't have words like Eve did. By the time she was 1, eve had a huge vocabulary. He has maybe half a dozen words. "Wow" is a recent favorite. He also like "sit" and "dog."

Why does he have to grow so fast? Lately, whenever casual references have come up, Tom's been quick to point out that we may be done--it breaks my heart to think of no more babies! ugh.

As is customary, he got two Birthday parties, and his very own mini cake, each day. The cake was on my allergy elimination diet, even the frosting! I made a big cake with white frosting for the non-birthday folks, and a little one with green frosting (colored with pureed spinach!) for the Birthday boy.





I'd love to share the frosting receipe, but I was really winging it all along. I used coconut butter, Hemp milk, and coconut oil, along with sugar and vanilla. I will say, making your own powdered sugar is time consuming. Next time I'm just going to order corn-free powdered sugar. Eve says she wants a pink chocolate cake. I'm thinking Beets will be the coloring of choice!

The new normal

Hey there blog-land.

been away living life.

Thought I'd update you all on things:

Tom's "condition" is, basically, permanent. There is nothing more that can be done, surgically. Hopefully, now L&I will approve some alternative treatments like Chiropractic. He has early stages of arthritis in his lower back which is probably why he has hip pain.

The doctor said in time (years?) Tom might be able to do some of the activities he used to enjoy.

I can't even express how sad I am for Tom about this. And of course, it's not what I wanted to hear about the situation either. He is constantly in pain, and has somewhat regular bouts of intense sharp pain that last for days. And that is the new normal.

We've been living with it for nearly a year and a half now, so I know we can deal with it. But, we've also had a bit of hope that eventually things would get figured out and he'd be fixed. Now? Not a lot of room for hope. :(

Israel is walking! And he has a few "words" like more and kitty. He's definitely not the little communicator Eve was, but he's such an explorer and so independent. He's still just the sweetest little guy ever. He is a joy and a blessing. I'm so glad he's part of our family.

Eve is coming out of the pit of being three and a half, and is blossoming into the most pleasant almost-four year old. I'm really glad too, I like...liking her! :)

I'm on a crazy diet--again--trying to figure out food allergies. So far, it's still a mystery and I miss cheese, Pizza, cheese, beer and...cheese. If I end up being allergic to dairy...how will I go on?

I have to make all my own everything. This week I made a yummy and rather time consuming batch of Quinoa apple banana muffins. If I end up having to make this kind of eating a lifestyle, I will have to borrow or buy a food processor--hand grating an apple is just...too much. So...I'm giving it more time. I've lost all my Peanut baby weight though...so the diet has it's benefits. I've got plans to keep going until the 16th of August, taking a day off to gorge on cheese, and then starting an even more strict 28 day elimination/detox diet. That is, if I don't see improvement in my various ailments between now and the 16th. If I do...I may have already had my last hurrah with cheese. :(

I am almost done with another onesie, so I'll have two to show you. Unfortunately, I spend all my time either cooking or cleaning up after cooking, so I've very little time for onesies, and even less for downloading and uploading pictures. :)

I still have one all "inked up" and ready to get started on, and then I have half a dozen more to design, ink, and stitch...it's harder because my hands hurt so much...I may have to retire if I can't get this thing solved.

I have the best Husband

I have no pictures of the event, but Tom officiated a wedding yesterday. It's the first, and I guess probably only, though who knows? This younger friend and coworker of Tom's asked him, and how can one refuse such a request.

It is also the first wedding Eve has been to since she's been old enough to notice. She loved it, and was talking about her Easter dress being her wedding dress today. Tom did a beautiful job, I was so proud. Eve was quiet and respectful, and I'm proud of her too. Peanut was good while all the guests were seated, but not once the ceremony began I think he didn't like hearing daddy and not being able to see him. Once we stood in the back and he could see Tom, he settled down.

Later, Tom told me he was choked up and having a hard time remaining stoic, as he thought back to our own wedding, and the bride and groom before him got misty-eyed. It warmed my heart considerably, because, of course, I think back to our wedding every time we go to a wedding.

Tom's part in it and the ceremony itself was lovely and short. The cake was a different story. The topper was a bride grabbing the back collar of the quickly departing groom. The face of the miniature bride was determined and angry, and the face of the little groom was frightened and surprised. It made me sad, though I know it was only for fun, to see such a representation of the feelings of the bride and groom themselves. I've never been a fan of those kind of cake toppers anyway, but this was, I think, the worst I've seen. Then, to make matters worse, the groom betrayed the trust of his new wife by smashing a huge piece of cake in her face. She in turn tried her best to retaliate with a smaller piece. Ugh, it was so badly done. Why do people do that?

Tom didn't do that to me on our wedding day, and it made me love him all the more last night as I witnessed that spectacle. When I mentioned this all to Tom, though I think he was pleased to have inspired me to praise him for it, he didn't seem to think it was any great thing.

To turn everything on its head, I think the cake was the best tasting wedding cake I've ever had. It was really delicious.

So, I ask you, am I over-reacting to the cake topper? What do you think of this modern "tradition" of smearing cake in your beloved's face? I feel like it doesn't bode well for the marriage, but maybe I'm mistaken.

Pictures!

Okay, I finally downloaded some Pics from the camera!

I had great lighting in the house the other day, and Eve was at Grandma's, so it was the perfect time for a photo shoot with Israel. What is it about this age that is so great for pictures? But, he wouldn't cooperate. He kept crawling around, he wouldn't stay put, and he kept moving into the shadows of the room, so only a few shots turned out. But they are awfully cute.





A week and a half ago, Eve got her first haircut. We still couldn't bring ourselves to cut bangs though, so it's not very obvious. She was great for the whole thing, and her lovely aunt Angela did the honors.



A few weeks ago, we had our first sunny, warmish day. It wasn't even spring yet (still isn't, and the weather here is back to normal, cool and wet and cloudy) but it felt like Spring, so I raced outside with the kids, let Eve play in the muddy sand, and let Peanut meet the grass for the first time.

I tried to get a good picture of them together, but Eve just couldn't stay still, and when she did, she couldn't stop with the silly faces. So, you'll have to see them separately.









Peanut had his first banana when he finally got over the flu. Or at least, when he was nearly over it. This is the aftermath.



It sure made him happy, though none actually made it into his mouth.

Here he is doing his calisthenics. This was a week or two before he figured crawling out.



I was feeling guilty clicking away at Peanut exercising while Eve was out of the way, so I ran downstairs and snapped this before she figured out what I was up to. What is it about preschoolers that makes them incapable of just smiling normal for the camera? But this one shot is natural and adorable.



Here's a couple just because of the adorable Peanut.



Aww...he was sick and teething... so his face was leaking from every spot.



Check out Eve's mad drawing skills, and her obvious left handedness.



I was kinda bummed she did this on her hand, but then when I realized I could just take a picture, I think I like the idea better than saving paper pictures anyway...because we have hundreds of those.

Yesterday we went to Goodwill to try to find a pair of slacks for Tom to wear to a wedding this weekend (the one he's officiating, I can't wait to share how that goes!), which was a total failure, but I found some beautiful fabric totally cheap, and lots of it. I'm looking forward to sharing that too. In fact, I want to *actually* share it and give some away...even though it will be painful to let even a little of it go. Stay tuned.

In a funk

I just can't seem to motivate myself to do much. Except keep my kitchen clean (yay me!)

I do have one finished onesie languishing in my unfolded pile(s) of clean whites. I really have to get on those baskets of whites, because I'm quite tired of digging through the mounds to find things. An unfolded basket of towels or jeans is pretty easy to dig through, but it's also easy to fold...it's those darn whites, littered with a hundred unmatched socks and every other tiny article of clothing in our four wardrobes.

One of the recent babies is moving in a little over a week. I suppose I'll have to mail the onesie, and I haven't even contemplated what I'll do on hers, either. And after These next...6 onesies, I may be retiring, or at least re-thinking my stuff. I can't keep up...soon I'll be embroidering 2T shirts because it will simply take me that long to get around to it. That simply won't do.

A few sweet friends have opened etsy shops with cute things. Please visit.

Check out the cute mini-diaper bags and these adorable purses

Israel is 7 months old now!! I just got around to requesting a birth greeting from the president. And I have an appointment to get portraits on Thursday...I meant to do that when he was 6 months old...but in my defense, he was sick most of the time this last month, and the wonderful portrait studio is gone. He is really quite the crawler now. And likes to pull on things. Today I had to rescue him after he pulled the vacuum cleaner down on himself!! Poor kid. He was just fine though. No harm, no foul.

Seriously funny

Check out this hilarious post on airline travel with a baby. Man, I cried I laughed so hard.

I have nothing else good to share. Well, I did get a new job. So right now I'm working two, and will be down to one--hopefully superior--job in a week and a half. But I don't like working, so I can't say I'm over the top about this news. Plus, working two jobs=busy+tired!

Peanut is actually crawling, but it's like the first few days of walking, he still resorts to the army crawl if he needs to avoid tipping or to get somewhere quick. It's pretty funny to watch him make the decision to go to army crawling. He flops.

Goodbye and Good Riddence

My goodness. We're not *quite* over what feels like the month-long illness. I know it didn't really last that long because I can remember that it was only a little over two weeks ago that Eve's first symptoms appeared, but it *feels* like a month.

We've been up to very little around our place, because this flu-ishness made Eve and Israel clingy non-sleepers. So, we spent the time we weren't cleaning sheets, towels and clothing for various reasons (bloody noses, baby vomit, sticky ewey medicine, honey, garlic oil, and glycerine drops) holding and comforting our little ones. I don't know how I could have got through the days if Tom hadn't been home. I wouldn't have gotten a single thing done, as it is, my accomplishments were few.

Now I'm a bit sick. I don't feel like the children felt, no fever or anything too severe, but I do have a bit of a cough and almost no voice.

Perseverance in my prayer and study seems to have had the desired effect. I can't say my struggles are over, but I will say I feel more content and less conflicted. Confused? Yes. But not as unhappy about it as previously.

Tom saw his surgeon on Thursday, and healing seems to be going a bit more slowly than the surgeon himself had hoped. And Tom, of course was discouraged when the doc told him to expect another 2 months for recovery. If he doesn't get fixed up, he is looking at hip replacement next, and I don't think I'd like that any better than his previous surgeries.

I don't think this post is really worth reading...

but if you insist on doing so, don't say I didn't warn you.

No pictures, no crafts, no funny stories. Seriously, you can go read the delightful blogs in my new "current faves" list (check the sidebar blog roll), or the Seaside blogs, or check out the groups I'm a part of on Flickr. All more entertaining.

I have to finish up community service (5 hours left to go before Monday!!), so all my free time has been going in to that, and crafting is taking a way-back burner to everything else. So much so that even though I only have to attach the straps to Eve's backpack which I started just after Christmas, and I only have to weave in the fringe on her scarf, which I otherwise finished quite sometime ago, and one of the 4 shirts I need to embroider quick-like is two colors and probably 20 minutes of stitching away from being finished, they will all probably stay unfinished in the exact current state they're in (the backpack is actually under the needle on the machine) for some time.

I did tell you about the 27 hours of community service I get to do at church to pay off my school zone speeding ticket, right? I'm so happy I can do this, because I have no idea where the money would have come from to pay it. But, it was somewhat bad timing, since Tom had surgery right in the middle of my 60 days to complete the service in, and that basically took me out of commission for any kind of service for at least 21 of those days. So, now it's crunch time.

Eve is sick and if the little coughs Israel had this morning are any indication (of which I'm quite certain), I can expect him to be feeling pretty nasty by Friday. I just hope this will pass without any trips to the doctor or hospital. It's funny, with Eve, I took her in once for an ear infection when she was very young (under 3 months, I think) and otherwise never took her in except for well-child visits (which were much fewer and farther between than normal). But, since having Israel, I feel like we go to the doctor all the time. I know part of that is our more dedicated well-child schedule, and the fancy, spread out vaccine schedule I have Israel on, that has us going in once a month right now, but I've also taken Eve in for illnesses more than ever...all in the last 6 months.

Israel is *so* ready to crawl. He is up on all fours and rocking his little heart out. He's desperate to move, and can kind of throw and roll himself around. As soon as he figures out how to move his hands, he will be shooting around the house like a rocket, I think. We're also working on sitting, which he doesn't like nearly as well, since it's, you know, stationary. But, he can do it with a little support for long periods, and with no support for a few seconds.

Tom is recovering slowly. Too slowly for both of us. But, I think we had unreasonable expectations, so there you go. He tried for the first time walking without crutches last night, because using one crutch (which he started on Monday) is hurting his back. He says it's very painful, and I'm sure that's true, but I think he would rather that than his back hurt.

I hesitate to post this. I think I liked blogging better when no one knew I did it. Maybe I need to quit blogging and start journaling privately instead, because this is the kind of thing I'm not sure I want to share. But here goes. I'm going through some interesting struggles. I think my own resources finally ran out. 6 months of pouring out and not really be poured into have taken their toll. The result is a great deal of unfocused angst and confusion. I feel lost...or at least blind. I do think some time to craft might help me decompress, but that's not something I can do right now. I was hoping more time reading the bible, being in study with others and on my own, listening to the sermons I've missed basically for all of 2008, and praying more would make things better. Either it's all still not enough, or it simply isn't going to do what I want it to do, because I still feel blind and confused and vaguely disappointed. I feel like the God I thought I knew is not at all what I thought, I feel betrayed by my own understanding, like I've taken a dozen steps back from where I once was, and I'm full of apprehension about what is beyond my very limited range of sight. I want to be fixed, but I don't really know what to do to make that happen, or what not to do, or what. Generally speaking, I'm too lazy to persist in a negative state of mind for long, so I'm surprised that I've managed to maintain this discontent for weeks, despite desiring and expending effort to be content, to be joyful, to be renewed. I'm frustrated.

I hope Tom, Israel, and I can stay healthy enough to be able to go out on Valentines day tomorrow with Tom's brother and sister-in-law, I think I could use it. I guess I should really be hoping Eve is healthy enough to go to the babysitting "event" at church. Darn.

In order that I might look forward to coming to work today...

I was given so many reasons yesterday to look forward to coming to work today.

We had a few doctor's appointments to go to, in fact, one for everyone but me. We also had to get new meds for Tom. So we were all out together at about 10. We didn't get home until around 5. In between, I had about 4 ounces of chocolate milk spilled all over my head, was puked on, and, of course, had to clean up puke too. The best part is, she had just had a pink Italian cream soda. Thankfully that didn't get in my hair.

What a day.

We had a small chimney fire...

Yes, there were flames in our chimney. Luckily, we didn't start a house fire, and were able to put it out simply by dampening the fire in the stove, eventually. But while we were calling able-bodied neighbors at 8 PM, Eve certainly felt it was a grand adventure. Peanut, on the other hand, was so exhausted by the event that he went to bed early!

Today a chimney sweep is coming to clean us up so we can have a wood fire again. Last night we were grateful for the 40 gallons of heating oil my dad gave us. And our electric portable radiator.

Let's not do that again.

For the curious. Yes, it really is harder the second time around.

Tom had surgery yesterday, as planned. The surgery was about 15 minutes longer, and the recovery was probably 3 times as long.

Surgery from 12:30 to 1:30 or so, and we didn't get to leave until around 5. He had a really tough time. The one better thing about this time is they gave him straight narcotics that he can take every 3 hours, instead of the stuff with tylenol that he can only have every 4. I think it's helping keep the pain at bay a bit better, but he is high as a kite as a result.

Israel was great at the clinic, and only had a tough time for about 30 minutes in the car on the way home. Today, however, he decided that getting up with me at 6 was a great idea. I've been really wiped out waking up every 3 hours, and between meeting Tom's needs and peanut's, it took me until 11:30 to drink the cup of tea I originally prepared at 7 and reheated twice.

Now, I've had my tea, a bowl of yummy bean and chicken soup, and some bread, plus a coke and some chocolate. It's made me feel a bit more normal.

If I can manage to avoid having to build a fire again (which I have now done 3 times in the last 16 hours, the darn thing just keeps burning out too fast), I think things should go a bit better from here.

Under the knife

Tom goes in for his second hip surgery on Wednesday.

I am trying to remain positive, but I know without a doubt that Tom's going to be in a lot of pain for at least a week, and it just tears me apart to see him so...wounded.

I was praying/thinking on my way to work today. Even if this surgery is "successful" Tom may not be back to normal, physically speaking, ever. For a guy who made his living with the strength of his body, this is quite an adjustment. Why do I think this? Well, his knee surgery was successful, but his knee is not completely back to normal. And this surgery, basically weakening his hip joint, could have a lot more long-term consequences, even if it reduces his pain.

It makes me really sad to think that we will likely never resume our physically active lifestyle. No more boating? No more Wakeboarding? No more day hikes or after-dinner walks? All this time since the accident, I've expected things to get back to normal someday, so we could resume the activities we enjoyed together. I don't feel confident of that at all today.

The reality is, Tom is probably looking at a career change. I'm thinking I really need to start adjusting my expectations in regards to the length of time I may be working. It just breaks my heart to say that, because I already feel less connected to Israel than I felt to Eve when she was this age, and I feel like this just makes it worse. I can tell by his sleeping and eating habits that my long absences two days a week have made an impact.

At work, I haven't been the star employee, but today I resolved to stop having a short-timers attitude, and start working a bit more like I value my job--which is something I should have been doing even if I won't be here long.

I feel fairly confident that Tom won't make any career decisions that would require me to work any more than I am currently, but on the other hand, he may not have that much control. I like to think that if his income changed significantly for the worse, he would also consider selling the house to get our monthly expenditures reduced somewhat, but I don't want to rely on that.

And a happy new year

Well, I imagine by the time I get around to those promised pictures, even all *my* Christmas decorations will be repacked for the year.

Last night was the first night in a week that Israel went to bed for the night after only 1 wake up, that Eve went to bed without any wake ups, and that Israel did not get up at 6. Thank goodness, because the secret to my success is that Eve didn't go to sleep until 10, and Israel not until 11. Needless to say, getting to sleep in was a welcome relief, but ill-timed since today is a work day. I was so late that the gal I share a desk with had moved in for the day, expecting me not to come in at all.

This has been a year of high highs and low lows for us.

We welcomed a new and wonderful son, a new and wonderful niece, and a new brother-in-law. We were blessed so much by friends and family, and the mysterious and yet tangible ways in which God provides and loves us. We truly became a part of our new church and feel at home there, and continue to strengthen our friendships, even as we add to them. We received a Christmas card from an old friend I was quite certain had been killed in action (so regular was his correspondence prior to 2006), so I'm delighted to have, in essence, received him back from the dead--and with a wife as well (now I know what was keeping him so busy, or rather who.) In light of the highs, the lows don't really matter so much.

My hopes for 2008 include:
Healing, both emotionally and physically for Tom.
That my son will continue to grow as issue-free as he has so far and as his sister has.
That my daughter will continue to grow more delightful and accomplished, and perhaps just a little more tempered and tractable.
That Tom's side of the family will have no more alarming and devastating health diagnoses, and no deaths either.
That my side of the family will meet with life, health, and success. I wouldn't mind if my brothers' wives turned up expecting either.
That my crafty skills will increase and that I will be able to accomplish a rather ambitious to-do list which I've laid out for myself.
That I might have just a bit of money to spend on myself, and maybe obtain a pair of truly flattering trousers.
That I would love others in such a manner that they would know so and be blessed.
And last, but probably most importantly, that I would increase in love and knowledge of Jesus Christ.

sadness

I'm back at work all of a sudden. :(

:(

I got the flu this weekend. Yuck. I guess it's been a while since I had the flu, because I really can't remember the last time I felt that awful. Thursday night and Friday were the worst, but Saturday wasn't too great either. Today is better...I'm not on tylenol, and yet I'm also not shivering and feeling cold in an 80 degree room. Progress.

Tom's parents took Eve on Friday for most the day and then overnight. Friday was supposed to be a great day for us--I was going to spend all my time embroidering, and Tom was going to play Xbox 360 (did I tell you he won a free xbox 360? I'm happy for him, but not so much for me, being an xbox widow is at least as bad as being a football widow...except there is really no end to it...it's there 24/7). Well, my head was killing me all day with or without the mild drugs that I can take, and without electricity, huddled in the basement where it's warm and sunlight not exactly spilling in through the windows, I got very little embroidery done, and didn't enjoy my day in the least. And Tom was worse off--at least I could sleep and feel I was doing all I really wanted to. Tom was bored and xboxless...and he doesn't like to read or do anything crafty, so he was totally bored until about 3 P.M. when the power came back.

Thursday night after it took just a bit longer than expected to get Eve to sleep, Tom and I fought about Eve and sleeping and our vastly differing parenting philosophies. I hate when that happens. Actually, it's been long enough since we fought about parenting philosophies in general that I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking maybe Tom had come to see things my way. We called a truce fairly quickly, but it just brings up all of my conflicting thoughts on how far to go with this...do I "submit" and let him take the reigns so our children can be neither seen nor heard? That's really too harsh...he loves his kids, but he thinks that it's my refusal to let Eve cry it out in her bed that has made her a poor sleeper, he thinks co-sleeping is designed by the devil (tongue in cheek) to prohibit parental intimacy and sleep (his, specifically), and thinks that if we just bottle fed, our children would have no preference between he and I, and either of us could take care of their needs at any time of day or night. I disagree (of course, right? That's why we fight), I don't think that bottle feeding would remove the children's preference for their mom when they need compassion and comfort, and if we kicked the kids out of our bed entirely, Tom might get more sleep, but I would be up a million times a night to feed or comfort, well, unless I could somehow render myself def so I could just leave them to cry themselves back to sleep. What it comes down to, is I feel that the way he wants to do things is entirely about his comfort and convenience, while my motivation is to do what is the very best for my children, even if it costs my comfort and is inconvenient.

Sigh. It's been a constant struggle since Eve came, and it would be so nice to be at peace together about this, but I don't see that anywhere on the horizon. If I do give in...how could I? But if I did, I would feel my children were being robbed of precious and irreplacable commodities, and I'm sure I'd have to resign myself to that each day, as I would also have to forgive Tom each day or stew in unrelenting bitterness toward him for harming my children.

Either way, I can see why Tom doesn't want more kids. I really do, but it would be nice to get past the time in their lives that seems to cause us the most strife and move on to older childhood where breastfeeding is in the distant past and sleeping in their own bed is a given. Plus, we'd never have to deal with the circumcision question again or imperfect births.

Like I said, we've called a truce. I don't even know if Tom has given this stuff another thought...but I can't stop. I never know if I'm doing the right thing. I know I'm doing what's best for my children, if I separate it from the fact that I don't know if I'm doing what's best for my marriage with their father, but I do know the relationships are deeply entwined. If I say I am in the wrong in my marriage, then I guess the question comes down to: What's worse for my children? My behavior toward their dad or taking away breastfeeding, responsiveness to their cries, and warmth and comfort in the middle of the dark and lonely night? I really, honestly don't know.

So...I think I might be making all this sound worse than it is...it's the conflict in my mind that is most bitter. Tom and I are doing fine, though there's always room for improvement.

And now that I'm feeling better, Peanut has the flu. Poor little guy. I guess it's good that I got it first so I know what he's going through. He was not himself last night, and now I know why. Today he's listless, but sleeping peacefully and cheerful as long as the tylenol controls his fever.

Catching up...

So, Israel is over 6 weeks old, and I'm finally done sharing his birth story with you. A lot has occurred in the mean time.

Over the past 3 days Eve has been almost totally potty trained, including one spontaneous trip to the bathroom to poop. Yay!! Of course, today she was still wearing her overnight diaper when she decided to poop, so I haven't seen the last of those yet. But progress is good and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Israel is smiling and has been since 3 and a half weeks or so...but we've yet to get a photo of it.

I realized that I was taking a ton of pictures today of him and Eve, in a pointless attempt to make up for not taking photos as frequently as I ought. And as I was looking through them, I noticed that he's wearing the same outfit he was in an earlier batch I took. I think I had a picture of every one of Eve's outfits...he'll be lucky to be pictured in more than two.

My sister got married...I'm not sure what day...but yesterday I got a text message from her that said, "Married". That cracked me up.

Tom is making progress in healing, but not so much that he can go without crutches without really paying for it.

I'm struggling. I know that there's some hormonal shift going on that is causing me to feel PMSy. I know that will pass, but it makes things tougher. I'm trying not to dwell on the thoughts and feelings elicited by my latest Doc appointment, but I can't help it. And I seem to be filled with anger toward Eve. I don't feel at all like I'm exhibiting Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness, and Self-Control. I haven't been doing much in the way of Bible study, or even Bible reading, I can't keep up on housework, and yet I really can't figure out where all the time is going. I rarely leave the house because Israel isn't a fan of the car (he's better than Eve, but it's just still so unpleasant) and not to mention I have to drive the beast. I'm feeling a bit isolated. All in all, it's been a tough few weeks for me.

But let's get on to some pictures.

These were taken in early September, so Peanut was around 3 weeks old.





Here's cousin Karl and Eve (sporting very similar hair styles) and Peanut.



Eve in brown...I think it may be her best color.

Updates and ramblings

I'll do a post on more of my hospital stay next time...for now, here's the latest.

Tom's doing well, and trying to use a cane instead of crutches. I'm not actually sure that's advisable, but he's a grown man and I'm not his mother, and really, no amount of nagging or chastisment has ever gotten me anywhere with him.

Eve wore big girl panties all day after about 10 this morning until her bed time. She did great! Of course, she never had to do more than pee...so I think we lucked out on that one. Her behavior has been better though not perfect--I don't except perfection. However, I do find myself a lot less patient with her than I usually am. I'm sure that has something to do with lack of sleep. I think she's been waking up early (like around midnight last night...makes for a long night for me) is because she's falling out of bed. She fell out tonight about 45 minutes after she went to sleep...so now she's back in bed far from the edge. Maybe that means I'll get my side of the bed mostly to myself for a while tonight. :)

This evening Tom took the van to his IT side job and was gone for about 5 hours. Why is it that dinner time is when everyone melts down? Israel and I had troubling communicating...I wasn't doing a great job of teaching him he can count on me, or teaching him he doesn't need to wail to get what he needs, and he was not being very clear about whether or not he was hungry.

I had this totally inconvenient convenience food thing to cook--it's a "kit" that comes with, essentially, noodles, a can of condensed cream soup, breadcrumbs and what I think was mostly powdered milk with some spices and garlic powder. You add your own chicken and veggies and it's supposed to take 35 minutes or so in the oven. Well...I think it took me closer to twice that amount of time. With lots of back and forth of trying to figure Israel out and keeping Eve from coloring on my embroidery pattern sheets and other such things. and all in all, though it wasn't bad, it wasn't great, and I would have been equally happy with soup, cheese and crackers, and it would have left me with much less to take me away from Israel.

I had to pray to keep from loosing my temper, because I just have a tendency to kind of blow up when I'm hungry and slightly sleep deprived. I wasn't mad at any body, just mad at the situation...like why does Israel have to have his most fussy and confusing night yet when my husband isn't home and I have to make dinner? It just seems unfair. I had the baby in my arms and was heading down stairs to get the bouncy seat in a last ditch effort to be able to open the 400 degree oven to check the chicken for done-ness, and I really wanted to just kind of yell, probably something along the lines of wondering why Tom has to choose the worst times to work and why does it always take 3 times longer than he expects? But instead, I prayed, and that helped.

And when I did pull the food out of the oven finally and could put Israel in the sling, I was able to eat and feed Eve and after that, things got smooth, because Israel was not hungry, he was tired and couldn't fall asleep on his own, and 2 minutes in the sling solved it. I wish there was some way to safely cook and sling. I could wear him on my back, and I did earlier today, but it simply isn't a quick enough process for me to be able to do while he's crying.

Tom got home earlier than I expected...that was a nice surprise.

I hate it when my babies cry. It's not just the normal mom thing either--unless all moms are neurotic. Now, I'm sure there's no factual basis to this, so I am trying to stop thinking this way, but I have this fantastical theory that if I could just keep my baby from every having to cry to get my attention in the early days, that they would basically only cry when in pain, because in order to get their needs met they've never needed to cry and so never do. Somehow, no matter how hard I try, or how good my intentions are, I never attain the responsive perfection. It frustrates me, but I know I can't be perfect, so I should just get over it. However, I do see it work the opposite way in the short term. Peanut got into a fever-pitch because he was hungry and I didn't realize it (because he'd filled up and then flat out refused a very short time before his tummy started eating its self--Tom's term for "he's hungry"). I fed him, and he relaxed. But then he needed his diaper changed and then he was tired and couldn't fall asleep. Normally, those things don't make him cry, but tonight they did. Sigh, poor little guy--and poor you too, if you could follow that paragraph, you deserve a gold star.