What's my motivation?

Well, I'm just having one of those days today. I shouldn't be, as I'm feeling showered with love and care from every direction. Despite that, my thoughts are drawn toward self-reflection and I find myself lacking--always disappointing.

It's been a somewhat slow journey to this frame of mind, and I wouldn't say I got here until yesterday evening. But it all started Saturday night.

I brought up sibling rivalry with a friend who has quite a few kids. I figured if she'd dealt with it and figured out how to deal with it, then I could safely take her advice on it--because her kids all seem to get along and love each other.

I'll be honest that she didn't seem to have much practical advice, but she assured me that she doesn't think it will be a problem in our family.

I wish I could share her conviction.

You see, when I got my first sibling, it ruined my life. I felt betrayed, bereft, abandoned and unloved. And it was ALL. HIS. FAULT. Dumb little brother going and messing up my life like that. Who did he think he was?! I literally hated him. I wasn't much for the physical abuse, although I'm sure that he got his fair share of shoves and whatnot, but I was much more about the emotional manipulation and cruelty. To this day, I believe that I can see evidence in my brother of damage done by me and by my parent's reaction to my behavior towards him.

I'm very afraid of the same occurring between Eve and her little brother. I'm afraid she will feel unloved and displaced. I'm afraid she'll take it out on her little brother. I'm afraid that anything I try to do to "fix" their relationship will only further harm things. I'm afraid of putting distance between Eve an I, after working so hard to foster closeness and attachment and trust, I'd hate to see it all go to waste, wiped out by the arrival of a sibling.

You might see something in the above paragraph that my friend picked up on. Fear.

She told me she got the feeling I was afraid and implored me not to be. Reminding me that fear is not of God. Unless, of course, it's fear of God. But I can't seem to help myself. It's ingrained in me, and probably something I need to really work on.

Yes, I'm fearful about sibling relations in my home. This led me to examine my parenting in general. I am very much motivated by fear in my parenting.

Now, unlike perhaps many (not all) parents (I suspect), I am not really much afraid that my daughter will misbehave. She does misbehave, but I'm not a behaviorist, or at least, I'm not hung up on the here-and-now of behavior, and I recognize that a lot of what we might think of as misbehavior is really just developmental behavior. Yes, I get frustrated by that behavior, but most of the time, I can deal.

What I am afraid of is screwing her up. I'm sure my fear will double soon as I have a whole new little life I can screw up too. Maybe I'm giving myself too much credit, maybe I don't have so much power.

I really try to trust God over my daughter, and to an extent, I feel I've succeeded. I'm much less fearful for her physical well being and health than I used to be. I'm not perfectly fearless in the face of danger or disease, but I think I've come a long way.

I feel I'm well-equipped to be a nurturer of little lives. I find it easy to be a responsive mother of a newborn and infant (although I do anticipate struggling a bit with doing the infant thing at the same time as the toddler thing). I guess I should say, I know what to do with a baby. I know that they don't have mere "wants" and every desire is truly a need. Every moment is a learning one for a baby. And the goal of the first year is to teach trust and self-worth.

After that, things get more complicated. When do children begin to have mere "wants" and when can such desires be safely denied? When does age-appropriate behavior cross the line into inappropriate behavior (besides the obvious of bringing harm to others), when is it disrespect, when is it something else equally unsavory that should be stopped? I've been stumbling through that with Eve, and I still honestly don't know. I feel fairly confident that at her age of several months past 2 and a half, she's long been in the stage of everything not being a need, I'm just not sure when the transition occurred, and I still have a little trouble deciphering which is which.

I'm not afraid that I'm doing too much in the way of discipline, although I'm certainly afraid of going there. Instead, I'm afraid I'm too far on the "permissive" end of the spectrum in which I'm not establishing enough boundaries, and I'm not training her in good behavior, decorum, or work ethic. I'm also afraid I'm leaving God out of the equation--although He is in my thoughts and I am trying to do things in a Godly fashion, I'm pretty sure I don't communicate that to Eve enough, and I don't feel that we're doing much to teach her about God. Very frustrating, really.

I'm also dreadfully afraid of teaching Eve a God that doesn't exist. I've shared that before. I don't want to present to her "God" who is not true. I want to only present the True God to her, but I am, again, afraid that I'm failing.

I hate failing. It makes me feel really lousy. Failure in general is just one more thing I fear. And being fearful makes me feel I've once more failed.

Sweet Eve

Just had to share a little tidbit.

The other night it was soooo hot, and Eve had had such a late, long nap--courtesy of Grandma--that it was 11:30 before she was asleep. Ugh. I wasn't too bothered though because the entire evening, though she seemed to really be grating on Tom's nerves, she was just the sweetest thing to me.

She would hug me and run to me every few minutes. And when I told her once that I loved her, her response was "Thank you for loving me." with her head cocked to the side and her smile just so precious.

A few moments before our second try at going down for the night, she was asking about my "nummy nums" (she's just so darn interested in anatomy these days). I've tried to teach her "breasts" now that she's not nursing, but after, oh, 2 years worth of saying "nummy nums" in reference to my breasts as well as breastfeeding, I think it's a hard habit to break. After we confirmed that she has breasts and daddy has breasts, but hers are small because she's small, and mine are big because I'm big (sigh), she asked shyly if she could have some. I was a bit surprised, but only a bit. I've heard it's common for newly-weaned children to test boundries...see if they are still welcome to what was freely given for so long. After a moment's hesitation, I said yes.

She immediately launched herself into my arms and gave me a long, fierce hug. Then she pulled away and started off on another subject. After a few moments of conversation, I asked if she still wanted to nurse, and she shook her head. Then she asked me if I wanted to have "nummy nums" from her. That made me laugh, and I suggested that she give one of her babies some instead, because babies nurse, not adults. She immediately picked up "Pooh baby" (a Winnie the Pooh stuffed animal that she really loves) and began to "nurse" him. She then informed me that he wasn't done yet. She alternated between looking at Pooh, looking off into space, and looking at me. It was so cute!

Vestiges

At the very bottom of my recently completed, prioritized "baby needs..." list is an item I'm considering removing.

A nursing necklace.

I remember when Eve was young, being annoyed that her little seeking hands would always grasp my hair and pull hard enough to make my eye's water. Then, when she got to the stage of limit testing, it became a great deal more annoying when she would purposely pull my hair as hard as she possibly could.

I thought that the perfect solution would have been to give her newborn hands something else to grasp, creating a habit that would leave hair pulling out of the equation later on. Then, if she grabbed my hair, I'd know she was up to something--I wouldn't have to wait until she suddenly pulled to know she was testing me out.

But now...now I find myself very happy about her habit of playing with my hair. It's become somewhat of a partial replacement for nursing, or rather, a remainder of the full ritual which we no longer practice.

At night when I help her go to sleep she plays with my hair. When she greets me after a separation (Even just the amount of time she's in nursery on Sunday's) she'll play with my hair. When she is tired, or frightened, or in need of comfort, she will often play with my hair. Sometimes she will even ask to do so from the back of the car when she begins to get sleepy. Unfortunately, I have to say no during those times. But otherwise, it makes me happy that she still wants closeness with me like that.

Since I'm unlikely to actually receive a nursing necklace, and since I can't forsee the financial flexibility to buy one for myself, I will soon have to remind myself that when my newborn is a newly weaned child, I will be happy to have him play with my hair rather than a necklace. Maybe that will make it easier to get through the painful hair pulling stages.

Pictures of recent things

Not much to say about these, since the events have already been mentioned, but thought I'd share a few shots with you.

Here are the only pictures we got of the 4th of July. Sadly, my batteries died early on, and I was too injured to want to make a special trip to the house for new ones.



From left to right we have Eve, Grandma, Olivia, Cousin Anne, Cousin Chase, Tosha (the cousins' mom) and Cousin Levi (Cousin Anne's twin brother). We all thought it was adorable the way Olivia just claimed Grandma as hers too.



Earlier, Tosha had ill-advised fun with a Roman Candle. We had tons of them. I'm sure that everyone's hands went riiiiight over the warning not to hold the candle. I'm sure the Engstrom family will persist in this dangerous activity until something drastic occurs to prove the reason for the warnings on the label.



I'm not absolutely sure, since Tom took this shot, but I think that's Tim, the Cousins' dad, helping his nearly 4 year old son to hold a roman candle in his bare hands. Cool, huh?

I had a hard time letting Eve hold a Morning Glory sparkler.

And here are some shots of that really wonderful bouquet that my friend Tanna gave me. Isn't it pretty?!





Keep in mind, this is a day and a half after I received it, thus the slight agedness of the flowers.



Hope you are all having a great day!

What am I really looking forward to?

I've officially got 5 weeks left. Actually, 4 weeks and 6 days.

Due to an injury I sustained on the 4th, I highly doubt all my "nesting" will be accomplished. Hopefully the house will happen to be mostly clean on the day I have the babe so I don't come home to a complete dive which will only get worse for a week or two.

I am really looking forward to being very slightly more comfortable in the heat, but otherwise, since I'm still unsure if I'll be able to accomplish the birth without tearing and going through the months of pain that I went through last time, I'm not really getting my hopes up about feeling physically better. Maybe my digestive issues will subside, maybe not. I certainly can't say I look forward to sleeping on my stomach, since with nursing through the night, sleeping is not exactly going to improve simply because I have a little more freedom of position.

I'm apprehensive about nursing too. Eve was a natural, although with my over-active letdown, it wasn't the most enjoyable activity for her. I'm somewhat worried it will be more difficult this time, and I know that with a toddler running around, I can't look forward to the long hours of couch-confinement with quite the same peaceful anticipation. I do look forward to it, but I'm thinking I'll like it better about the time I may have to return to work. At which point the anti-joy of pumping will intrude somewhat.

But I *am* really looking forward to babywearing again! Aside from the issue of finding a comfortable style of carrier for August, I can't think of any negatives to this. With all the new babies at church and several more besides my own on the way, I've had my carriers out a lot more than usual. And Eve has been wanting to be worn for the first time in...months and months and months. I have realized that I've almost completely forgotten how to back-wrap her, but it's been fun (if a bit tiring). Of course, I have to stop farming all my carriers out. Currently, I've promised the mei Tai to a gal who's toddler hurt her ankle and is more clingy than usual. I gave my woven wrap to another friend who is already into wearing her babies, but hasn't tried a wrap yet. My lovely silk ring sling was loaned out over a year ago to a friend I'm not in touch with much anymore. So... in my possession are a cotton ring sling, some homemade knit wraps and my pouch (which never worked for me in the early days because of nursing enlargement. :)

What I could really use are some new carriers. Like a water wrap, or a cotton guaze wrap, or this carrier, which looks totally awesome. Go sign up for the giveaway (courtesy of All Natural Mommies) if you think so too (or don't so my odds are better. ;))

Happy Independence day!

To celebrate, here are some pictures of Pointy Kitty, my first stuffed creature crafting attempt, and the first craft Eve helped with. She picked out the fabric (given a few choices) and the button eyes (again, given a few choices) and was responsible for keeping the buttons safe.

She was a free pattern from the delightful Wee Wonderfuls.





I started this way back in September, 2006. I had intended for it to be a Birthday gift. And then a Christmas gift, and then a valentine's day gift. I think I finished it in time for Easter, but it's been a few months since then, so I can't remember. I finally handed over the precious Pointy Kitty, filled with poly stuffing, hard work, and love. And in a matter of hours...



Poor kitty. I only got around to fixing it this past week. And since then, pointy kitty has been mostly ignored. He he, live and learn. I'm sure by the time I get around to making a rag-doll for her, she will have grown out of her baby-loving phase. Maybe Pointy Kitty was simply too un-cuddly, and didn't fit in the stroller. Plus, Eve's real kitty is much more fun to chase.

Onesies!

So, I sat down to compose this post, all excited to show you my five recently-completed embroidery projects, only to realize that I forgot to photograph the one I completed on Friday.

Darn.

Well, there is a good chance that I will be able to photograph that one later, so someday you may see it. It was my only little girl shirt, and actually, as lovely as it is, not my favorite. I think in my attempt to make it girly when compared with the other four, I failed to make it also uniquely cute.

Anyway, on with the show!

The first completed shirt is for a little boy whose dad is one of the football coaches at one of the local high schools. I tried to go for a Jersey/Letterman's jacket look. The front is the sport's logo for the school.



And the back.



This is all done in black and orange. The script on the name was hard to create and somewhat hard to stitch...but in real life it looks cool.

This next one is for a little guy born on the same day as Halsey. This was definitely my favorite finished product and my favorite to stitch.

front:



Butt:



isn't that cute?! I love Sublime Stitching.

Next up, we have Jet(t)'s shirt. Definitely my least favorite, and I think it's merely the lack of lots of color. Jett is by no means my least favorite baby, of course, I just didn't like the finished product of his shirt that much. On the other hand, it took the least time to stitch up, so there's something to that. I only realized a week after I gave the shirt to his mom that I'm quite certain his name is spelled incorrectly. Woops.





Unfortunately, I only had really good lighting available for photos of Eben's shirt. Additionally, even though normally I praise my husband's photography skills, he didn't use the macro setting, so this is as much detail as you'll get for Jett's shirt and the next one.

Ben's! Ben is, I believe, baby number 5 in his family. This is definitely my second fave shirt. I guess I just like a lot of color.





Little Zoe got her name in a lovely curly script in light pink in the upper left corner of the front of her shirt with a small rose (darker pink in the center petals, light pink on the outermost petals and a single green leaf) beside it. On the rear, a larger matching rose in slightly different colors, a little more reddish/orange. Very pretty. Someday I hope to show it to you.

Monday

Yes, it's Monday, and I can tell.

Eve has been sleeping terribly for about a week, maybe a bit more. Twice I've woken to her cries for me from her room, and found her wandering in the far corners. I actually wonder if she's sleep walking and then waking up and crying because she's no longer in her bed. Needless to say, this neat-o situation is making it very difficult for Tom and I to get enough sleep.

She had a cold last week, and seems to be over it now, but her behavior isn't quite back to normal yet. Remember the bratty/clingy stage she was in a bit ago. She's back in it again.

I am simply trying to enjoy the end of her being my only child. I want to savor every moment, but at the same time, I'm so tired and so tired of some of the antics, that it's hard not to complain. And then, this morning it took us two hours to leave the house, and I was constantly telling her, no, or wait to requests to play with her, hold her, and sit with her. I don't want to have to say no!

Our financial situation is also very Monday-ish. The last Disability payment Tom got was incorrect, so we had to send the check back, but I forgot to cancel the online payments for some very big bills. I hope they don't try to re-cash the check too soon, because one NSF fee (from the bank and the payee) is really quite enough in my opinion. Why do they charge you more money when you clearly don't have enough to begin with?

Even though it wouldn't have changed anything, I'm feeling guilty about the pizza, Teriyaki, and Lattes of last week.

So, I need a new measure of trust in God, because I don't know when we'll get a replacement, correct disability check, and two weeks until the next payday seems a long long ways out. Especially when we're nearly out of TP. :) Luckily, for once, I don't feel that pressing need for food-stuffs that often indicates distrust creeping into my heart. On the other hand, that's merely because we actually have plenty of food. Yay us! I am supremely bummed that I won't be getting a single Latte for two weeks, but that seems like just punishment for not cooking dinner for my family...even once, this week. *blush*

On top of all this, I woke up sometime this morning with much of my body "asleep" because of laying on my right side or back too long. And now baby is back to head up. I've been slacking too much in the positions and exercises for OFP. In fact, I just caught myself slouching.

So, on the bright side...

Tom has the MRI we've been waiting 2 weeks for scheduled for Thursday. That's great news, because that means sometime next week the docs can tell us if he really does need hip surgery, and if he does, they can submit to L&I for approval. With approximately 5 and a half weeks until my due date, this means he may actually get to have surgery (and recover, mostly) before the baby comes. I hate to wish upon myself the full 40 weeks (or, *shudder* over 40 weeks), but I could really use a husband in fine physical health for labor support. And maybe it will work out to allowing him to be recovered enough to help me, but not enough to be back at work, so I could have his company and assistance when the baby is new, not to mention how much Eve will like that, or how nice it will be if he can bond with the baby more than just in the evenings, when he's exhausted and in pain.

We have plenty of food.

We had a great party at our house last night, one that will be somewhat repeated every Sunday night for the rest of July and August (although, depending on baby, and I suppose on Tom's surgery, there may be some interruptions) It was fun and well-attended, and everyone helped out tremendously. The food everyone brought was awesome, and Tom learned that grilling chicken thighs to actual doneness when they are partially frozen is not something he wants to try again. Eve had a total blast, and only needed to be disciplined a handful of times. Of course, she also has a dozen new cuts and bruises, and seems none the worse for wear.

One of my sweet friends gave me a lovely bouquet and an adorable little painted vase. I was to touched! I need to take a picture of it so I can always remember the sweet gift and how beautiful it is!

Even though (non)cooperation from the babysitters seemed bent on destroying any cleaning ambitions I had for the weekend, I managed to actually clean the cat litter box (with soap and water and it's almost as good as the day we bought it now!), mop the kitchen , clean the downstairs bathroom, *and* do all the usual maintenance cleaning and laundry washing that needed to be done. I'm definitely feeling the "nesting" instinct, as I want everything to be REALLY clean, not just mostly-so and tidy. Logically, I figure if I can get everything spotless and shiny, it will be easier to maintain. I also got all of Peanut's clothes and baby items cataloged--so I know what I have and what I need now. I'm wiped out, but it's a good wiped out.

I have a serger lined up to borrow, with means I can make some really light weight, cotton gauze swaddling blankets for the babe, and maybe (depending on cash flow, of course) a gauze wrap to wear the baby in. And i can finish the edges of a knit wrap (or two) I already own.

Before the great disability check debacle, there was an awesome sale at the fabric store and I got everything (fabric-wise) I need to make some perfect light-blocking curtains for Eve's room. I'm not sure what style they will be yet, but given that my time is limited, I think I'll go with simple. Maybe someday I can buy or make Roman shades, but until then, this project will be a huge improvement on the sheets and table clothes. Now I just need to get Tom to pull my sewing table and machine out of the dark recesses and some place I can actually use it.

I finished all the onesies (Post upcoming) for the 5 babies born in April/May at church. Yay! Now I'm finishing a skirt detail that I started for Eve last summer. Good thing I bought a 3T!! Next up, a onesie for Peanut, and another for Baby H, due in August as well. Oh yeah, and one for Paxon as well, who, being with us in the outside world, will probably be first (after the skirt. must. finish. skirt.)

I finished reading a book on creating a birth plan, and now feel I can go into this birth plan writing stuff with a bit more info than last time around. Now finishing up (half way through) Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. Very interesting read. I hope to be all done soon, but I will begin my draft birth plan this week so I can have a good working copy to take to my next doc appointment. I think I need to do the pre-registration stuff at the hospital soon too, so I'll need it basically complete by then. I've also devised a plan to not embitter the L&D nurses with my odd desires to buck the system, by bringing along goodies (mostly chocolate) and getting them on my side before I have to put my foot down about things.

Eve and I really had a lovely morning together on Saturday, before the babysitting that almost wasn't. We read books, with several look-throughs of her baby scrap book. we played with her toys. She felt the baby "move" (he wasn't really moving at the time, but she gently pushed on my tummy and imagined he was moving). We snuggled in my bed after she put one of her babies there for a nap. She played with my hair and stared sweetly at me. She wasn't going to take a nap, which is what usually happens in the day time when we lay down and she plays with my hair. It was so precious to look into her beautiful dark eyes and stare at her lovely translucent skin. She said and did such sweet things, and laughed and smiled a great deal. I want more of those moments.

Last, but certainly not least, a friend has offered to loan me her mini-co-sleeper, which means I no longer need a bed for Peanut!! Totally awesome.

And by now, after cataloging all the good things (and I'm sure I haven't put them all down) I'm feeling much better.

Weaned

It's been nearly 5 weeks since Eve last nursed. And about 3 since she last asked to.

The last time she nursed was early morning when she crawled into bed with us.

Eve: "Where's my binky?"

Me: "I don't know."

Eve: "I want nummy nums [her term for breastfeeding]"

I let her nurse and she fell back to sleep quickly. I popped her off before she was done, but after she was satisfied and she drifted off, as did I.

I didn't know it would be the very last time, but for each time before that for weeks I tried hard to enjoy and remember our time together, because I knew it could be the last, and I wanted to be able to remember it.

After that night, I began stashing a spare binky on the windowsill at the head of the bed. That way I would always know where one was, if she asked.

The photo at the top of this post was taken by Tom. I was somewhat frantic to get a few shots of Eve nursing before it was over, for her sake and for mine. I remember one time on a Sunday when she nursed to sleep in my lap, and I thought, This could be it, this could be the last time. I don't know where the camera is!!!.

The next time, I prepared, and out of a dozen shots, I actually got her face in about 4 photos, the best of which are below.



Until you've tried it, you simply can't imagine how hard it is to do a "self portrait" of you feeding your baby.



Prior to these shots, the only photo that exists of me nursing Eve was taken about 15 minutes after she was born, in the hospital, with me looking like...well, like I just gave birth with an IV of fluids in my arm (dumb hospital policy). That's kind of a bad record given the number of photos we have of Eve, and the number of hours she spent in her little life nursing.

Assuming I can get my act together, I'll be more careful to get pictures of Eve's little brother nursing earlier and more often. Of course, there is this rumor that you don't take anywhere near as many pictures of your second as you do your first. I am not going to say that won't be true for us, but I do hope there's a higher ratio of breastfeeding photos than in Eve's vast portfolio of photos.

Eve has asked to nurse once since that night. It was early in the morning, and I was downstairs exercising. She wasn't getting enough attention from me, was still tired, and hadn't yet had breakfast or even a drink. I picked her up off the couch and she asked for "nummy nums"

Me: "Sure honey. But would you rather have a snack instead?"

She nodded solemnly, with little perfect tears brimming in her eyes. and said, "uh huh."

So I took her upstairs, got her a bowl of cereal, and she never looked back.

We've spoken about it some. She misses it a little, and she's still interested in my "nummy nums" and talks about how Peanut will have them. She's committed to helping Peanut learn how to nurse.

Her weaning is not quite the perfect weaning I might have hoped for. Due to the need for me to work part time away from home from the time she was about 4 months old, she's always had a certain tolerance for bottles and binkies. Until I became pregnant, the binky was really a second-rate replacement. Since pregnancy, and the subsequent drying-up of what little milk remained, there was a slow but steady shift in preference for the binky.

The upside to this, is she never really had to go through a time when she didn't get to find comfort in sucking. There's was never a need for me to put my foot down and say, "no more" or "only for a moment." There were no tears to this weaning, despite the fact that she has not quite outgrown her need to suck.

The downside, of course, is that I will now have to wean her from the binky, which will be harder, since I have control over my body, but quite a bit less control over little plastic plugs that seem to turn up magically, as if growing right out of the carpet.

Just this week I have really seen the challenges involved in losing a valuable mothering tool like breastfeeding. Eve has her first post-nursing cold, and I cannot comfort her as I once did through the fitful nights. Her behavior has been quite awful, excusable because of her illness, but not the norm. Nursing helped her through discomfort and tough feelings in a way that a binky simply can not do.

In addition, my germaphobe nature is rearing its ugly head. I can no longer provide her with additional nutrients to augment her diet, consisting of almost nothing because of a decreased appetite. I can no longer provide her with my immunities through my breast milk. She's not protected as she once was, and I find myself feeling a bit nervous that we never went to her 2-year well-baby appointment to get another round of vaccines, which before never seemed to be much of a priority.

God knows how frantic I'll feel when she gets the stomach flu. Nursing has been the way to comfort, nourish, and hydrate through such an illness in the past. What will I do if she won't drink? Will a binky and stroking my hair as she rests in my lap be comfort enough? How will we get through it without nursing?

But the biggest challenge I thought I would face hasn't materialized. She falls asleep just as easily (which is not very easily, quite honestly) as she ever did. She still cuddles and strokes my hair, and it's just a little bit harder for me to tell when she is truly asleep, as the binky provides no signals as to how her sucking pattern has changed. I look forward to the day when she won't need the binky, and when it takes a bit less time to get her down for the night, but for now, I don't mind the arrangement (most of the time).

And then there's simply the wistfulness.

I'm sure that if I were not pregnant, and a mere 6 weeks from the due date of this new baby, I would feel a great deal more grief than I do. As it is, I know that another nursing relationship is right around the corner, with all its frustrations and joys. So I can look pragmatically at this weaning as a good and necessary change, inevitable and bitter-sweet.

Eve update

Well... it's been at least 6 months since I uploaded any new pictures of Eve.

Since that time, we upgraded our software to the latest and greatest iPhoto...and I had to learn a whole new way of creating a photo site. Just as well, the others were getting crowded.

Eve's Winter

And Eve's Spring. Can hardly believe Spring is over, actually. Less than 7 weeks until Eve becomes a big sister (assuming the due date isn't way off.)

O.F.P.

Stands for Optimal Fetal Positioning...

Last night, I read a little book written for midwives (no friendly layman's terms here--thanks to Dictionary.com, I learned what multigravida means) about the best position for a baby to be in in order to have the least painful, quickest, and safest (i.e. least likely to result in a medical intervention) birth possible. The nice thing about the book was it's very small size. I'll spare you the technical terms (since I certainly don't have them memorized) and just tell you that it's head down (duh) and baby's back against mom's front left side (centered between bellybutton and left hip)

A professional can tell by palpitation of your uterus what position your baby is in, but if you want a clue, you're hoping for the heartbeat to be heard on the lower left of your bump, so if your doc (or other care provider) puts the little Doppler microphone up high or on the right (and finds the heartbeat he or she is looking for), you may wish to try changing your baby's position. Also, If you feel a lot of movement up front, (or, I would assume, on your left) your baby is probably not optimally positioned. There was also some detailed information about the shape of your bump, and I get the feeling the cute, basketball-under-your-shirt look is what you're going for. Flat on top or in front indicates a less than ideal position.

When do you need to worry about this? Around the time your baby "engages" (which means lowers himself (or herself) into your pelvis in preparation for being born) This can happen as early as 6 weeks before birth, especially for first-timers. It can happen as late as when labor begins for those who have been there, done that. However, since the positions and activities for achieving OFP aren't all that difficult, it seems like a good idea to begin thinking about this around the 34 week mark, especially if your goal is a natural, intervention-free birth at a hospital, as much of the time, you are on your own as how to actually accomplish such an anomaly.

The bad news: A lot of what you may be doing each day could be contributing to poor positioning. lounging (leaning back past 90 degrees) on the cough or in the Lazy boy while you nourish your baby with high-calcium, high-protein snacks such as Haagandaz bars and bowls of ice cream (oh wait, that's just me?), abdominal exercises, and even squatting pre-labor can contribute to poor positioning. There's also lying and sleeping on your back--but most mainstream pregnancy guides advise against this already. As a good rule-follower, I'm sure you aren't doing this, but I am. Every morning (and every time I wake in the night) I find myself on my back, despite having diligently positioned myself on my left side the last time I fell asleep.

I've been lounging...well, whenever I relax, since childhood, and I find myself wishing to relax more and more as pregnancy progresses. Just a few weeks ago, I patted myself on the back for borrowing (and exercising to) a prenatal exercise DVD that includes quite a lot of squatting and abdominal contractions (basically pulling in your abs, since sit-ups aren't advised during pregnancy).

Lounging (and lying or sleeping on your back) is bad because gravity works to swing your baby's back against yours. If your baby remains in this position, you will have painful back labor at the very least, and the babe may get stuck when trying to exit through your pelvis. Differing angles cause sizes and shapes of baby's head and your pelvis to not match up in this position.

Ab work (or previously well-toned abs that have retained their tautness) is (are) a no-no because they tend to narrow the lower part of the uterus (the uterus itself is not exercised or changed by ab work, but rather the area the uterus resides in shrinks) which will discourage a baby from placing his head down...since his feet fit much better there.

I'm not quite so clear on why squats are a bad idea--and I know for sure they're a good idea during labor. But, it has something to do with the angle of the spine to the pelvis. Modified squats (wall squats, that keep your back straight and at a 90 degree angle to your pelvis) are okay. Did I mention this book, though blessedly short, was rather hard to read? Hence, my lack of full understanding regarding the "why" of this particular point.

All of this might explain why Peanut was head-down 2 weeks ago, and at my appointment this past Monday had decided to be head-up instead. Of course, even though he was head down last time, his heart beat was still on the right... so that's better than breach, but not great.

Lessons?

Sit leaning forward, or at the very least, straight up and down. Easier to do if you scoot all the way to the edge of the couch or chair and place your feet at least hip-distance apart. Or, kneel, lean forward, and support yourself with something (like a Pilates ball) above waist-height.

Don't do ab work. :( I guess I'll just have to wait until postpartum to firm up.

Do wall squats or climb stairs to keep those thigh muscles strong enough for upright positions in labor. Don't do regular deep squatting (squats that keep your rear higher than your knees are okay).

And...as you've heard time and again, don't lay or sleep on your back. Instead, choose your left side, legs comfortably bent, with your top knee crossed over the bottom one and resting on the mattress. Or, if you can afford the luxury, and desperately miss sleeping on your stomach, as I do, buy a Baby Wink pillow.

Bait and switch

I know, last time I promised I would post something funny, or crafty or give updated pictures. Sorry!

I'm just gonna catch you all up on the latest.

God's been providing in amazing ways for us financially (and otherwise) during my husband's surgery recovery. Tom's back to work now, and I'm struggling to curb my reaction to buy everything I couldn't buy on the "No discretionary spending, period." Budget. You know the one, where if it costs money, you can't have it, even if it's almost, nearly free? or name-brand and 95% off? Not even if it's an emergency? (define emergency? can you LIVE without it? Yes? Not an emergency.) Yeah, that one. Keeping myself from wild spending is especially difficult considering I have 7 weeks to my due date, and maternity leave that may or may not end. If it does end, it will merely be to get us onto the "so little discretionary income that you might as well not do any discretionary spending." Budget. (under which, you can get the emergency items, like when Eve doesn't have any pants that fit, or when I run out of prenatal vitamins. Or when I really, really need ice cream--but hopefully after the baby arrives, I'll stop having those kind of cravings) The baby still needs a bed, and my wists, del.icio.us bookmarks, and Amazon wish list are filled with items for Peanut, Eve, and myself that seem like rather reasonable wants, if not outright needs. I'd also love to upgrade our Netflix from 2 a month to 1-at-a-time unlimited, oh! The luxury. And what I wouldn't give for a cute, comfortable pair of black boot-cut yoga pants for postpartum lounging, instead of the oh-so-lovely sweats I'm sure I'll be in.

I'm not sure I was genetically designed for frugal living, but I've been doing it now to one degree or another since my first pregnancy. And actually, I find myself no less happy (if not more so) than when I could go shopping for myself(!!!) at the drop of a hat. I'll even go so far as to say I've noticed no real increase in unfulfilled purchasing desires--my unfulfilled purchasing desires have changed drastically, so much of what was on the list 4 years ago wouldn't even make my "large amounts of discretionary income" Budget these days. Because, really, who has time or energy to go shoe shopping at Nordstrom every few months? Shopping for myself has become torture, so I just don't want to do it.

Speaking of shoe shopping, I bought new shoes! I really wanted a fun red pair that would "spice up" my boring maternity wardrobe and make me feel a little more cheerful when I'm still wearing this stuff at too-many-weeks postpartum. I ended up with a nice light-ish brown pair of fashion sneakers. They didn't have the pink and brown ones in my size, and I couldn't just not buy anything, since I was using a gift certificate, and Tom had come along to keep Eve happy. It would have been a terrible slap in his face for me to go home empty handed after he worked so hard to keep Eve out of my way for the forever it took me to find something even reasonably cute and comfy.

And speaking of Tom, after his knee surgeon released him for work, the surgeon's assistant who's been working with Tom on his hip and back (diagnosing if there's an indication for surgery or not) told him he needs another MRI on his hip with likely surgery there as well, if they find what they think they will on the MRI. I just hope that he's either fully recovered from this second surgery by the time I go into labor, or he doesn't have surgery until a few weeks after the baby arrives. All the more reason, I suppose, for me to save instead of spend. This working stint of Tom's may be short-lived. Just imagine the cool stuff God will have to do to continue to provide for us if both Tom and I are off work at the same time! Exciting times, I tell you.

Eve. She's swung a bit from the bratty and clingy to the sweet and sassy. She's frequently told me that she loves me, with no prompting and without my having it said it first. That just melts my heart. That, coupled with spontaneous hugs and kisses, and how can I complain about a few instances of defiance or tantrums when my little girl loves me? I can't. And, having only spent a few days trying to puzzle things out, I have discovered that Eve is much more likely to be grumpy, clingy and disobedient when tired (duh) or hungry (hmmm). One would think that an hour after breakfast, there would be no immediate, emergent need for sustenance, but when one recalls that someone has only consumed the thin layer of cream cheese from the top of half a bagel, complimented by two small bites of said bagel, it becomes a bit more clear that a snack is required.

Eve Got to take a small zip-lock bag filled with raisins, Cheerios, and Honey Bee Grahams in the car on the way to church this past Sunday, and then into Nursery with her, and reportedly (since I gave Tom the ultimatum that if he could descend and climb the stairs at home, he could descend and climb the nursery stairs at church just as well, and that, as such, I would no longer take Eve to nursery. Ever.) she went easily and without complaint. And several times over the weekend, food solved whatever ills were causing her to whine and cling desperately. I've decided that's one important key to keeping her compliant and cheerful, or at least making those behaviors somewhat more likely.

Potty training is basically dead with us. She hasn't willingly gone except right before bedtime to prolong her right to remain out of bed for as long as possible. We have, though, wasted several hours waiting for her to go when Tom is sure she will go as soon as we put a diaper back on her. This usually follows us hearing Eve shut her bedroom door, only to check on her and find her hiding at the far end of her bunk bed and yelling at us to go out--a sure sign she's about to fill her diaper with an odiferous surprise. It's just as well, as the imminent arrival of Peanut will no doubt reverse any progress we make in the next 7 weeks.

Sleeping is going fairly well. For Eve that is. I won't even start on how torturous both Tom and I are finding night time these days (I, due to Peanut, and he due to the re-institution of Vicodin as a night-cap, since working is much more painful for Tom than simply watching Eve during the day). Eve sleeps until 5 or 6 in the morning very consistently these days (and sometimes much later), and joins us in our bed until 7 or 8, depending on the day. She is also going to sleep more easily and quickly. This may be due to the horrid make-shift light-blocking sheets and table clothes we've hung up (I will take a picture, but it may be years before I upload it), or it may be due to the fact that we've been putting her to bed later because of social obligations or mere absentmindedness (on my part). Or it may be a combo. I definitely credit her sleeping in the morning to the light-blocking, but since the days continue to grow longer, and it's light until 10 or so each night now, her room is still fairly bright at bedtime (8:00 PM if we get it done on time). My spending impulse is rearing its ugly head every time I look at what I've done to those windows. Oh for the ease and appearance of some actual curtains.

Despite the improvement in discipline, and my commitment not to go hog-wild with my husband's bigger paychecks (which admittedly haven't yet started rolling in) I did take the opportunity today to buy a few discipline books off Amazon when I made my required prenatal vitamin purchase. Combining shipping, you know. If any of you have read Grace-Based Parenting or Heartfelt Discipline please let me know what you think of them. I should be getting them in the mail just in time to read a few chapters before Peanut arrives. ;)

Ooh, and speaking of reading, from the library (which is stocked in a rather friendly manner toward natural childbirth, at least when compared to Christian parenting) I've been enjoying Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and Creating your Birth Plan. Both are very informative, although I'm definitely getting more out of the Birth Plan book at the moment, as I'm still in the mother-written birth stories section of Ina May's book. I don't mind the birth stories, but I am rather particular about writing style, and have never enjoyed birth stories more than those written by Peggy Vincent in Baby Catcher. If you are at all interested in birth stories, or natural birth, I highly recommend this book.

So there you go, all caught up.

Oh! I almost forgot. My latest online addiction (must get in as much as I can before I'm tied to a chair and a breastfeeding baby for hours and hours and... hours and....) is Sk*rt! a new Digg-esque social news site for women. I find endless ways to distract and entertain myself, and I've added at least a dozen new and interesting blogs to my Bloglines account, so if there's ever a slow news day on sk*rt, I can catch up on my ever-increasing RSS feeds. Anyway, this post is being submitted there in a late attempt to enter a contest their running with fun prizes that would be perfect for Peanut and I (and that just might reduce my list of unfulfilled purchasing desires to boot!) so if you're reading this, please go join sk*rt (if you haven't already) and vote for my link!

Discipline

I have a feeling this post won't interest all of you. I promise that my next post will be entertaining, or full of crafty goodness, or at the very least, I'll post some more recent pictures of everyone's favorite 2.5 year old.

So...Eve's been going through a bit of a difficult time lately. I think a lot of it is age. I know some of it is the recent and temporary change of being cared for by daddy while mom's away at work and not by Grandma. I know some of it is that fact that she weaned a bit over 2 weeks ago, and had been on the fast track to weaning for several months prior to that. Some of it might be due to my pregnancy and change in my level of energy and patience. And of course, it has much to do with her age.

Disobedient and willful seem like pretty good descriptions of her behavior right now. Coupled with very recent bouts of extreme clinginess, and general whininess and emotional bouts of tears for no apparent reason. I'm sure there's a reason, I'm just not sure what it is.

This has brought discipline and my approach and philosophy regarding her behavior to the forefront of my mind as well as Eve's dad's. He's always been one for swift negative discipline and chastisement. I've swung more toward the positive reinforcement of good behavior and gentle discouragement of bad behavior. Of course, my natural inclination when sorely tested is often negative discipline, and so time-outs are used rather liberally in our house. Tom spanks Eve's hand for more severe infractions. None of what we've done recently has changed her behavior any, at least not an hour or so after the previous incident. I, of course, wonder if we're making things worse. It's hard to tell though, since living in time as we do, we can't go back and try a different approach and see how the rest of the ride goes had we done y instead of x two days ago. Too bad, really, as it would make for a much more scientific approach.

What brought me to posting on this today is a book that's making its rounds at our church called Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Now, I've never read the book, and only one of the couples studying the book do I *know* to share my beliefs about nurturing children, so I really can't say much about it first hand. However, in various conversations with other ladies in the church, I've gotten the impression that the message is: when we punish our children for misbehavior, we need to reinforce our wishes with scripture to show how they are not only disobeying and making *us* unhappy, but that they are disobeying and making God unhappy as well. From my conversations, there's also some self-discipline, heart-examining stuff for the parents (to try to be calm rather than reacting in anger) and the advice to pray for our children (which I wholeheartedly agree with).

So, here's the conundrum. I do want to teach Eve about God, the bible, and that obedience to her parents and the bible is...um, biblical. However, I don't want to make God into the bad guy. "Don't do that because it makes God upset." "God says to do X, not Y" "Is that a Godly way of...?" Using scripture is great, but scripture is meaningless and downright foolishness to someone without the Holy Spirit of God in their heart.

So that brings up that question, I guess. Does my 2.5 year old have the Holy Spirit? I come from a "Conversion" background and one that emphasises the idea that we choose Christ. I'm moving toward the idea that Christ chooses us and we then respond, but I'm still not sure how that works with young hearts that I would previously have labeled as being below the age of accountability--as in, can't be held accountable for their Sin because they are too young to understand "Sin" and the separateness from God due to sin, and our need for forgiveness, and can't "convert" because of this lack of understanding.

I do believe that apart from Christ, we can't please God, and that all our behaviors could have some scripture applied to show us how we are displeasing God. Only the Holy Spirit living in and through us allows us to please God in any way. In the same way, we understand sin and can turn from specific sinful behaviors as those behaviors are revealed to us through scripture and the Holy Spirit, by the power of the Holy Spirit. It is the Grace and Forgiveness of Christ which allows us to get to this place.

I feel like this book instead teaches our children that they must try harder to meet the expectations of their parents and of God, and that they must do it under their own power, which will simply lead to failure and frustration, and a belief that we have to work to earn God's approval. I think it's this kind of message that leads so many children of Christian parents to rebellion and to turn from God and their parents. Because the God their parents taught them about is not the God of the bible, of the Gospel of Grace and Love, but a distortion that shows God to be concerned with what we do rather than our hearts, and makes him out to be a big meanie who has impossible expectations and metes out punishment when we fail to attain perfection on our own.

So, I'm left with the knowledge that I want to communicate to Eve that God is a God of forgiveness. I've known that all along. But I still don't know what that means practically speaking. I don't know how to teach her of God's goodness. I don't know how to encourage her toward good behavior while having God in the picture in any way--honestly, I don't even, at this point, want to use God in the positive reinforcement. For instance, I can tell her that it makes me and her daddy (and any number of other loved ones) very happy when she sets her cup down instead of dumping out the "excess" water when she's no longer thirsty, but I can't honestly say that makes God happy, because is God ever happy with our measly "righteousness" when the bible refers to such as filthy (bloody) rags?

Honestly, I'm really frustrated with the situation. I feel like our attempts at discipline aren't working. I feel like we're not doing much to teach Eve about God in any fashion. And I simply don't know what to do about it. And if the best our church can give us is a method for guilting our child into better behavior whilst slowly turning her heart against God, then where do we turn for a more Gracious way of going about all this?

long time no blog

Hey there. It's been so long it almost feels like it's worse to post than to just forget I ever had a blog. But, I find myself with some time at the moment, so, meh, why not?

I'm about 24 weeks pregnant. Surprise!

It's supposedly a boy. Surprise!

Eve is still not potty trained. erm...surprised?

But, Eve is sleeping through the night (until 5 or 6 AM or so, at which point she sleeps in our bed for an hour or two more) more often than not these days, which is cool. Yay for her new Ikea bunk bed!

What else. Well, pregnancy this time around has been very different than time number 1. I'll leave it at that so I won't bore you with the details, but it's weird, I thought I knew what pregnancy was all about, but of course, I'm an expert on my pregnancy with Eve, and that's about it.

One exciting complication of life with Peanut (Eve named him, and she knew it was a boy before we did--now she goes around telling those who ask that "the doctor SAID it's a boy.") is I'm allergic to basically everything under the sun. I list it for you:

Milk sugar (more commonly known as lactose intollerance) causing me to need to avoid all milk products as well as anything made with any milk products.
Corn, causing me to need to avoid all corn in all forms, including in powdered sugar, all tasty hard candy, and baking powder. Good bye baked goods!

With just those two, I basically have to be suspicious of anything I don't make myself. Sometimes I get lucky and find a tasty store-bought treat and then sometimes I get unlucky, and seemingly completely safe favorites turn out to make me ill by some mysterious means.

Then, the list grows:
Grapes (good thing wine is out for a while anyway, right?)
carrots
shellfish
white fish (not Whitefish, but simply any white-fleshed fish. salmon seems my only safe seafood bet. Oh, and sardines, but those are kinda tough to eat for other reasons.
Asparagus (not sure on this one yet, it's still "in testing" -- as in, I don't like it so much that I'm going to keep trying to find out if I *can* have it, and just assume I can't and avoid it.)
Strawberries
One or more of the three berries in the frozen berry blend I have at home consisting of rasberries, blackberries, and blueberries.

This really is a ramble, isn't it? So, anyway, even when I'm really careful to cut those things out, I'll still mysteriously get ill for no obvious reason. This led me to visit a naturopath to try to figure out what I could eat and what I couldn't and at the same time feed myself and peanut so he grows to be at least as healthy as Eve (who came out at 8.5 lbs, and never lost weight, and has always been of the lovely, slighly roundish type.)

She put me on an evil diet that cuts out everything that was left that I could eat. No, not really, just all dairy (I had resorted to taking Lactaid pills so I could eat icecream, because darn it, I'm pregnant! and I could almost always get away with nice hard cheeses, like cheddar and swiss) mushrooms, anything fermented (all vinegars) and anything made with yeast -- like the bread that I toasted each morning for breakfast and slathered with peanut butter that I'm now also not supposed to eat, the same bread I often made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of for lunch. Oh, and sugar, so the jelly is out too.

I *am* allowed to have fruit, veggies, home-made yogurt (completely lactose-free after 24 hours of cooking!) non-processed proteins (most of the processed stuff, like lunch meats, bacon, hotdogs, etc. were out anyway because of corn) and whole grains. I can even have bread if I make it myself without white flour, yeast, or baking powder (you know, because of the corn) No, I may not have natural sugars like honey or molasses. I started chopping up dates to put in my oatmeal, because it just began to taste like glue completely plain with no milk and no brown sugar. It's acceptable now with dates and chopped almonds and a bit of yogurt, but it's still not really yummy. For dessert I puree mangos, bananas, and other fruit I've got laying about with the plain yogurt and then put it in the freezer just long enough to get kind of an icey crust on the top and sides. It's no Bryers, but then, I can eat it, and I can't eat Bryers, so it wins for the time being.

I've been feeling rather sorry for myself. Then again, I remember thinking and praying about not gaining so much darn weight this time around (60 lbs with Eve, and I'd only lost 52 of those by the time i got preggers again). My first trimester was really promising, since I had no appetite whatsoever, and didn't gain an ounce. Then, of course, once food appealed to me again, I started eating what I could that didn't include corn. I managed to do pretty well, but they do make some chocolate and icecream without corn, so I was making up for lost time fairly quickly. Since going on this even more restrictive diet a few weeks ago, I've managed to, I think, lose weight, which is a bit concerning for a pregnant gal, but at the same time, I think this time around I won't have trouble staying in the 25 to 30 lb weight gain range...that is, if I can even reach 25. I just have to eat more broiled chicken and almonds... because the fruit and limited selection of veggies doesn't seem to be doing much to help me gain at the traditionally hoped-for rate.

Aren't you glad we had this little chat?

PT update

Well, I'm officially done.

Eve is in diapers. Yay for diapers!

After her late morning bath so we could both relax, I put her in training pants again. She had a few more accidents, but they were less disturbing sans "procedure." However, it seemed silly to continue to try to make her need to go more if it just meant more accidents, so i stopped pushing the drinks. And, after a few more accidents, and continued struggles to get her to even try the potty every 15 minutes, I kinda dropped that as well. We were down to dry pants checks, and since she didn't seem motivated to actually keep her pants dry, this too seemed pointless. And without all that, why bother with big girl pants? So, I put her in pull-ups. Today, my logical and frugal mind wondered why I would continue the pull-ups when they are more expensive and being used just as diapers. So, again, I dropped that. We're back to the way things have always been. I'm fine with that. I think my dear husband will be trying again next time I'm out of the house for a full day on the weekend. Look for further updates at the end of January.

All that said, since my mother-in-law is "so much better at these kinds of things" than I am, it's possible Eve could be trained tomorrow, as I'm going in to my previous employer to talk about the possibility of returning. If I do, Eve could just move in with Grandma and wear big girl pants every day.

The Harrowing Tales of TOILET TRAINING IN LESS THAN A DAY

The Harrowing Tales of TOILET TRAINING IN LESS THAN A DAY

All I have to say about the title of this book is: HA!

Eve's adventure in potty training began yesterday at 9:30. The book promised the average child who passed the physical and mental readiness tests would be done in an average of 4 hours. Girls even take about 30 minutes less, on average.

Ha!

It's now 11:20 AM on the second DAY of training.

After a few hours, the book said Eve should be progressing from needing to be told directly to go to the potty every 15 minutes, to doing on her own when she needs to pee.

It was about 30 minutes ago that I cleaned up the 7th wet accident since we began (8 accidents in total, the worse of which, blessedly, Tom was here for), steps away from the potty chair. The only self-initiated potty moment occurred when I was putting her to bed, so of course, that must be discounted, since it was mostly a stalling technique.

The really NEAT thing about accidents, is the "accident procedure" in which I must make Eve practice 10 times starting from various points in the house, running FAST to the potty, and pulling her pants down, sitting, quickly standing, pulling her pants back up, and then running to another spot in the house to do it all again. WOW, is that fun or what? I'm going with, "or what" because I had to force every required action, 10 TIMES! She starting crying on time 2. Then, oh, it's not over, I get to make her feel her wet underwear 10 times. Me: "Are your pants dry?" I guide her hand, because she's bawling and not really paying attention, and I have to manually guide everything in this stupid potty training adventure (Let me take a moment to point out that it's my dear, dear Husband who is in a hurry to potty train), and say, "no, your pants are wet. Wet pants are yucky." or some such. And repeat, repeat, repeat. UGH. Then, finally, she's allowed to remove her wet pants and put dry ones on, the only remotely bearable part of the whole thing.

I'm supposed to check her and reward her for dry pants every 5 minutes. That's a LOT of chocolate and sugar. I'm also supposed to fill her up with liquids so we can have lots of success. Or lots of accidents, as the case may be.

I gave up after about 5 hours yesterday, but the patent disapproval for such pansy weakness in my husband's voice (or really, the silence on the phone) proved this was unacceptable. I believe this will continue for days, however I'm resolved to just help her change herself after an accident. I'm too worn out for the rest of the circus.

Months and months worth of Eve pics

http://homepage.mac.com/tomandjenn/Bigger_Eve/PhotoAlbum52.html
http://homepage.mac.com/tomandjenn/Bigger_Eve/PhotoAlbum53.html

Enjoy!

Me and 39 other people

So, yesterday my company laid off 40 employees... leaving them (if my calculations are correct) with around 60 left.

Oh, you noticed I said "them" and maybe you caught the entry heading.

That's right, folks. I'm no longer employed.

Yesterday I was 100% Happy about it, for myself anyway. I feel pretty bad for most of the other people. Quite a few of them are people I hired and trained and promised grand things to in my faith that the CEO would take our company to great heights. I actually lost faith quite a while ago, but I still hoped.

Sadly, it appears to simply be dying a very slow death.

I hope that's not the case, and that instead this will be like cutting away old growth trees in a forest...that new life will immediately spring up and replace that which was lost and more.

Yes, I was quite happy to go. I've wanted to be a full-time stay-at-home mom for nearly 2 years now, and this looked like my ticket.

But then there's reality.

If we could afford for me to not work, I wouldn't have had to wait for a lay-off. We must cut expenses by about a third, and if you are at all familiar with things around here, we were already buckled down really tight. There's not much else to cut. Selling our house would fix us up, but then we'd just have to buy another.

I can't say with 100% certainty, but it is really looking like I'll need to find a new job. I heard on the news last night that Starbucks is opening many a new store. I've never been a barista, but I think I could do it.

So, facing this reality has me feeling a smidge less excited than yesterday. And feeling wistful over nearly six and a half years of memories. I met some wonderful people in that time; nothing like the perky happy co-eds I'll call coworkers at a coffee shop. I had a blast. I don't think I could find a smarter, funnier group anywhere else. I wish I could have parted from them under better circumstances.

I don't know if you'll be hearing from me as often these days. If I don't get a new job, I may not have Internet access. If I do, I obviously won't have time to post from work. Next time I post, I hope it's with really great news instead of this bittersweet kinda stuff.

One thing's for sure, God has a plan, it just doesn't involve my former employer. :)

Breast Cancer Awareness month

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, I'd like to take a moment to write about Breastfeeding.

It's no secret that breastfeeding is the very best thing you can do for your baby. For further information on how great it is for babies, mothers, and society, see here, here, and here. It's even great for your pocketbook!

What you may not know is that breastfeeding (along with pregnancy) can have a significant impact on a woman's risk for developing breast cancer. If you'd like to view the details of studies that have shown this to be true, here's a good link for you.

One study showed that your personal risk for breast cancer can be decreased by over 4% for each year of breastfeeding. It's also been shown that each birth can diminish the risk for breast cancer by 7%. Doing the math, if everyone had 14 kids and breastfed them for the 1 year minimum recommended by the FDA and the AAP, breast cancer could be essentially obliterated.

I know, I know... who in their right mind would have 14 kids? How about if we all breastfed each child for the minimum recommendation of the WHO: 2 years. Seven children would do it. Still too much for you? How about 5? The longer you breastfed each child, the less children you'd need for the same amount of risk reduction.

Update: I know, I'm not really be fair with the numbers. Remember, this is statistics, not like making change. I'm sure there would still be some breast cancer occuring even if we all went around having huge litters of children. My point is, there's a real, tangible reduction of risk for you personally if you can and do breastfeed.

All that aside, you don't need to have your own football team, or nurse your only child until he hits legal drinking age to reap the benefits of breastfeedings protective properties against breast cancer. Every little bit helps.

To read a more serious presentation of the impact breastfeeding can have on your breast cancer risks, go here, here, here, and here.

If pregnancy is in your future, please consider all the benefits of breastfeeding, to both your and your child. Reduce your risks of disease as well as your child's in an irreplaceable way that is affordable and fulfilling.

If pregnancy isn't in your future, please consider all the benefits of breastfeeding to the mothers and children around you. Support your friends and loved ones in breastfeeding--it's best for all of us!

Phun with Photos!

I've been doing a terrible job keeping Eve's photo gallery updated. I actually have tons of pictures (I won't start slacking on that until baby #2 (should such a child ever arrive) right?)

So, for those of you craving some recent Eve shots, and for those of you who aren't but don't have a choice, here's some pictures for you! These were all taken the weekend we went camping.

Here's a shot of the Italian Prune tree in our yard. I love this tree for shade, and I even am quite fond of the fruit it produces, but I really can't keep up with the yield, so we end up with literally hundreds of plums on our grass. Here, I experimented with color filters in iPhoto, this was merely a tint change to add a yellow-cast (which is more representative of reality than the picture showed in its raw state)



Here's me practicing with the macro setting for a nice close up of the dew on the plums that have fallen. These were taken before the local gaggle of Canada Geese discovered the bounty of my yard. For each prune they consumed, they left a...present, even more gross than the normal kind. On the plus-side, I don't have to pick up rotting, fermenting prunes this fall.



Here's Eve, looking thoughtful and adorable (as usual). I think I "sharpened" the image, but I can't remember for sure.



Here's Eve with her Daddy climbing my in-laws' RV to retrieve a package in the little treasure hunt Grandma set up for Eve and her little cousins. She was really proud of her accomplishment. This photo was cropped to get closer and then "enhanced" which is a mysterious adjustment. I'm not always happy with the results of "enhance" but in this case, it was nice.



I enhanced this shot of Eve on the swings. We tried and tried to get shots of her swinging, and none of them turned out as impressive as we'd hoped. She's so cute though, I couldn't resist sharing, even if it is a pretty overexposed looking shot.



And last but not least, Eve all prepared to go swimming at the pool. She was strutting around knowing she looked like pretty hot stuff in her sunglasses and suit. She had a blast swimming too. I used the "warmth" filter on this, as well as upping the brightness, since the shadows were even worse in the original photo.

Where is my time spent?

Why am I not blogging regularly? Well, aside from the fact that I frequently am on the computer one-handed, which is a really awful way to type up anything, it's usually because I'm reading other blogs, or posting/reading on Craftster. I'm obsessed. Anyway, this is like cheating, but I promise a better post soon, maybe even today!

To see my latest finished embroidery item, go here.

All this free time!

Yeah. And then I go and spend it playing this! Warning, may be addictive!

Miss me?

Phew. I had quite the long weekend. And I've been so behind that it's now been a week since I last was in control and caught up with my online life. This stuff is hard work!

My in-laws went camping and left Wednesday afternoon, leaving me with no sitter for Thursday or Friday. We were joining them for camping Friday evening, so I knew I couldn't goof around on my days off and leave housework for the weekend. There was a time when catching up after 5 days offline was no big deal. Now? Let's just say I have enough blog entries to keep me busy for a week's worth of naps, and that doesn't begin to touch email and op-eds. Not to mention the fact that being gone all weekend leaves me with just as much catching up to do on craft projects and housework as ever. *And* I started reading a new novel, and added 2 to my long-neglected tbr pile. eek!

Additionally, I've found a very prolific blog that I'm sharing because, well, if I don't have time for anything but blogs, neither should you. Very useful stuff too.

Have fun at LifeHacker.

Need a throw-away email address?

Ooh, I'm thrilled with this little tidbit I just learned from Bloglines. Did I mention you need this?!

"You can create an unlimited number of special Bloglines email addresses that are tied to your Bloglines account. The email addresses show up as subscriptions in your My Blogs page, and email sent to those email addresses appears as new items.

When you create a Bloglines email address, a subscription is added to your account. If you unsubscribe from that subscription, the email address becomes invalid and mail sent to it will bounce.

Email subscriptions are great for announce-only or broadcast mailing lists that don't provide RSS feeds. They are also useful as temporary email addresses."

Go...go sign up.

Argh! Ahoy me maties!

Yes, it is international talk like a pirate day, and I'm entering into the spirit of things quite happily. After all, it seems yesterday's post, admitting defeat to the inevitable change of seasons, resulted in renewed vigor from our Western Washington weather, and this morning I woke not only to clouds but heavy rain fall. I need something to cheer me. Argh!

Actually, I don't really mind the rain all that much. I just don't like walking in it. I suppose a good rain coat might change that, but who can afford that? I always seem to have better things to spend my money on.

Swab the decks ye lubbers!

Sorry. Ahem. Anyway, there are some things I really like about the change of seasons. For instance, television! I really don't watch much TV, although I'm sure I watch more than others. And unfortunately, Tom and I have gone from being down to 2 shows we wouldn't miss, to 4 since Eve was born. But still, it's only 4 hours out of my week, and honestly less than that, since we never watch it live with commercials.

Sadly, the days of Buffy and Angel are gone (Oh James Marsters, how I miss you!), and Friends too has ended, but we still have CSI (Season premiere this Thursday!!) and Survivor. (Actually, I don't love Survivor, but Tom is an addict, so I have learned to appreciate the entertaining aspects of the show--and Jeff is a cutey!) Second episode of Season 13 airs this Thursday. The year Eve was born, we added Lost, a show with some really great actors and a frustrating plot, and some absolutely great episodes and some really crappy ones. It's basically a gamble, so we watch it because we'd hate to miss a good one. If this season is worse than last, this may move to our don't-miss-unless-there's-anything-better-to-do list. ;) Mark you calendars for Wednesday, October 4th if you don't want to miss this one. And last but certainly not least is the newly added Battle Star Galactica. This show actually tops our list of must-see TV this season. As television goes, this is the best, as far as I'm concerned. Well, excepting Firefly, which is off the air. :( Battlestar Glactica has drama, adventure, romance, and robots! It could only be improved with the addition of Steve the Pirate. ;) If you are a TV fan, you really should see this show. Yes, it's scifi, but it's not just scifi, it's great drama. Really. I suggest adding the Miniseries, and the first and second seasons to your Netflix queue now, so you can catch up with things before the season premier on Friday, October 6th.

Okay, that's enough about TV, it is, after all, only less than 4 hours out of my life each week (time in which I can often embroider!)

What else can I console myself with now that I don't get to wear sandals and ignore my lack of good rain gear?

Eve sleeps better when it's not light until 10 PM, and as we've left July behind, night time has become a little better. For those of you who don't know, Eve isn't exactly a great sleeper even at the best of times (I think she has a record of sleeping 7 hours straight, once!) So any improvement is a blessing. Daylight savings time is my mortal enemy.

It's soup season! I like soup, cooking soup, eating soup. It's all good. It never really seems appropriate when it's warm.

More time for crafting? Hmm... maybe, maybe not. TV season was never good for my writing, which is what I used to fill my free time with. But, the nice thing about crafting is that a lot of it can be done while you do other things. I can sit and watch TV (especially bad Lost episodes and every Survivor episode) while I embroider or sew. So, we'll see.

Fires! I don't mean the brush variety, which is more a summer thing, and not really all that good. I mean the fireplace kind that crackle and smell good and look pretty!

Winter squash with dinner.

Politics! Speaking of which, today was the deadline for mailing in my ballot for the primaries, and I forgot! ARGH! I'm not a big fan of mail-only voting. Hopefully I can get it done tonight and take it to the post office this evening...maybe that will work. If not, I guess I'll survive.

What makes Autumn positive for you?

I think that's it for me, me hearties, I'm off to sail the high seas of the blogosphere. Argh!

Summer is definitely over

I don't want to sound dreary, but it's true. As my dad always says, it's summer in the northwest from July 5th to August 31st, or there abouts. He's mostly right. It's been cool and overcast (or partly cloudy for most of the day) or drizzly or breezy since Tuesday (which was a perfect late summer day, just the right mix of hot and cool, and quiet because all the kids are back in school. Yay!) Nearly a week of such weather is more than a cold front, it's a season changing.

A few of the leaves are changing too. And I only have one half-ripe tomato. There will be no harvest from my carefully maintained plant. Bummer! I've got about a dozen green tomatos of various sizes that will remain so, I suppose. Maybe I should try frying them.

We've yet to find a woodburning stove insert for our downstairs fireplace. We can burn wood in the upstairs insert, and the convection circulation does a great job at heating that level, but Eve and I sleep downstairs and our television and Tom's music and computer are downstairs too, so we really need to heat from the bottom up.

We were supposed to put away the boat for the winter this weekend, but it was too cold for such activities.

Eve still has summer clothes we found in August that she hasn't gotten to wear. They'll be too small next summer. I guess that means we'll have to take a vacation this winter to somewhere warm and balmy. Hawaii anyone? (Yes, please!)

All that to say, we aren't really ready for summer to be over. How about you? Are you still enjoying summer weather? What do you want to accomplish before you pull out your scarves and boots?

Blogroll!

Check to the left for my Bloglines generated Blogroll!

P.S. Eve and I are working on our first joint sewing project, check back soon for the glorious results!

A brief time-out from frivolity

I do my best to keep things light here. I don't like to start arguments with friends, and especially when I must conduct the arguments in online text. I have previously mentioned the lost nuance that goes along with such communication.

Be that as it may, I had to share a serious article which I found regarding Plan B contraceptive (a phrase I use rather lightly here.)

I do expect you to go read it, but allow me to summarize. Plan B is going to increase the incidence of STDs, mainly among poor women, and especially among the younger of those women.

I am totally against Plan B, as some of you may have deduced from what you know of me. Then again, I don't really think the vanilla brand contraceptive pill is good either (for various reasons I will not go into in detail at the moment). And of course, I'm entirely against the more accepted definition of abortion. However, my reasons have chiefly been based on the sanctity of human life (even embryonic), and the physical and emotional damage of chemicals and invasive procedures on the mothers who choose these. Lately I've been struck by the fact that abortion works against the ideal that "reproductive freedom" would add to the equality of the sexes.

How's that, you ask? I know proponents of Choice tell us that abortions give women freedom. And to a certain extent they are right. I'll just mention here that I think the cost of such freedom too high, but I digress. Sure, women can avoid the burden of pregnancy, but this also gives men freedom to not worry one whit about possibly becoming a father, giving them little to no reason to keep it in their pants and respect the women around them as people instead of conquests. Men should be held responsible for their actions against women and for any children they father, abortion allows them to get off scott-free. Women (and aborted fetuses, of course) pay the high price of life, health, and emotional well-being of the wide-spread availability of abortion. Grr.

Anyway, that's a tangent. Back to Plan B. This article caused a light bulb moment. Here is yet another reason to be outraged by the development and outrageous over the counter availability of this drug. How dare we subject the most unfortunate of our sex to further danger? How much are we willing to destroy at the feet of "choice"? These women will pay with their lives and flesh for the convenience of a morning-after pill. Our society owes them better.

A little bit bored

So there's not much to do at work today. Not because there's not work to be done, but because one of our major tools is getting updates.

So I've plenty of time, but not much to say.

Let me introduce you to two sites you might find interesting. I'm still not sure what I think of them yet.

First, I may have previously mentioned Next Favorite. It's a really cool concept: rating books, movies, and music all in one place and giving you recommendations all across the board. Think about it, your taste is reflected in music, movies, and books that you like. Yes, you can rate movies in one place, and books in another and music in another, but you can't link up all that information together, until Next Favorite. Sort of.

I'm not really sure how well it works though, as I haven't rated enough yet. Why? It's pretty clunky. Someone else should do it an make it slick and simple, more like Netflix. There's simply too many steps involved for me to want to spend a whole lot of time on it. I keep hoping they'll improve the system. Maybe I should approach Netflix with a similar idea, they have a really cool ratings->recommendation system... just imagine if it were harnessed for more than movies.

On to something actually cool. Have you checked out Wists? It's a cool concept and a cool execution. Visual bookmarking. Like something you see online? Wists it. Then when you go through your wists you can actually see why you "bookmarked" it to begin with. Never puzzle over a bookmark again. But that's not my favorite part, as cool as that is. My favorite part is how pretty it looks! I imagine my wistsing will be aimed mostly at building a beautiful gallery page, and less about the actually bookmarking aspect. :)

Another cool feature is that you can view the galleries of other users. If you find someone whose taste you admire, you can look at all their wists and find other wists to add to your own. I like the word wists even. Yay for Wists!

In other news...

I caved and got a myspace. I know. It's silly. And actually, I'm still not a big fan. It gives me a headache, and it seems to be rife with poor grammar (you know, because I've got perfect grammar myself). But, it's fun to get in touch with people you haven't seen since high school. On the other hand, it's not so great for meeting absolute total strangers who share nothing in common with you (unless you actually want that, in which case, it's like a candy shop). I think it's possible that myspace was responsible for a creepy email I received, but then, I'm all over the place on the Internet these days, so I can't really blame any one place. It kind of makes me want to rethink all the picture posting I do though.

That's all for now. I'm off to find pretty pictures to Wist!

Read the manual

Okay...so I have been taking pictures of my embroidery work for over a year. And I'm always really annoyed that I can't get a really good shot of the details...So a detailed, beautiful piece ends up looking like this:



On Saturday, I helped my mom prepare for some ebay selling of her huge collection of antiques and I needed to be able to take good close ups. So, I got out the manual for the camera. Look what I can do now!





So, the moral of the story is: Read the manual! :) Now all I need is an uber expensive flash and diffusion umbrella thingy, and I'll be set. :)

Crafty goodness

And now the post I wanted to make yesterday. :)

Here's some of my latest embroidery projects, and by latest, I mean back to the very first! :) Go check out my post on Craftster! This one too!

And here is the labor-intensive project Tom and I tackled in June, again a post on Craftster.

I'm such a junkie. :)

Happy and Sad

Morning! I was going to post some links to my latest crafty ventures, but Crafster is down! :( Oh well, lucky for you, I had a backup plan. The other day we got some pics of Eve doing her "cute" face and her "sad" face. It's pretty darn funny when we tell her to do her "sad" face. I'd describe it for you, but take a look yourself.





Of course, she doesn't know that both of those "faces" are cute faces.

And just because, take a look at her struting on the catwalk in her bikini (it's finally getting too small, but we got it for her last summer, so I can't complain.)



In case you forgot what I look like, I was able to find a recent picture of me too! With Eve.



This was at Tom's sister's recently (nearly) finished house. That room behind us is her music room! My music room looks a lot like Tom's computer room/office. Oh wait, it is!

And last but not least, Tom caught a nice shot of a pale sunset the other night. Not exactly the most impressive we've seen, but it was very pretty.