Further evidence that I am a wonderful mother only when I have a happy, well-behaved child

Phew. Okay, back to Eve! I'm sure we've all missed this.

First off, for announcements: Watch this space for the first edition of what I'm titling my religious tract morality tales: The Little Sinner. You'll read about the pitfalls of church hoping with the nursery bully!

So, last night we all went to bed around midnight. Now, this isn't too much later than we went to bed on Sunday night--but that was on purpose and enjoyable. Last night at about 9, Eve was on the verge of being asleep in my arms... probably 10 minutes away from being able to be put in bed without waking her. At least, that's what I thought. She began with the sign for potty and a small, sad whine of the same word. This was repeated again and again, escalating quickly to hysterics and sobbing, wailing. At first, before it got bad, I asked her if she really needed to go (this is sometimes a stall tactic I'm sure many of you are familiar with, from your own childhoods even!) she ignored the question and simply got more and more frantic about it. I could tell she really needed to go, so I took her, but as we entered the room, she continued her pitiful wailing and began shaking her head and just as hysterically saying "mama" over and over. I began to put her on her little potty and remove her diaper and she simply clung to me, crying and shaking her head no. I lifted her up, and proceeded to reapply the still-dry diaper. She cried and shook her head, she called for daddy. We went down stairs to see him and she wouldn't go to him. All of this is happening as she cries so hard it breaks my heart. We go upstairs again, back to her room, I try to nurse her, she wants to go potty, repeat above scenario. This time, we stay downstairs as my husband showers, and she calms somewhat, but is still very close to tears. I ask her if her belly hurts and she ignores me, I ask her if her teeth hurt, and she ignores me... I have no idea what was bugging her, but as she seems to have calmed down, I take her upstairs again to try putting her to sleep. The whole thing starts again. This time I'm getting really frustrated. I am sympathetic to her, but at the same time, completely and totally frustrated. I had anticipated a nice night with Tom, we could watch a movie, have some dessert, enjoy each other's company and get to bed before Eve woke up. Nuh uh. And worst of all, I can't figure out what Eve needs to make it all better. I know she's exhausted, and sleep would be very helpful to her state of mind, but she got close to sleep 3 times, and then woke up with the same "potty" refrain, and the same refusal to actually go potty, and refusal to go to daddy when she asked for him, and refusal to nurse when she asked for that. gah!

I didn't want to give her Tylenol if it was her tummy bugging her, because I know that such drugs can make upset bellies worse. I suspected possible teething, but she wouldn't let me probe, nor would she answer any questions about what hurt. I finally gave in to Tylenol as the only thing that might help. She cried continually while we administered, but then we were able to calm her down with distractions. She fell asleep after that and stayed asleep for 3 hours before a normal wake-up. We didn't have any other problems with her all night, what was left of it.

Then this morning, she woke up with the same fussy, I-want-this-I-don't-want-this sort of behavior. Again, I do feel so bad for her that she's not feeling her normal, cheerful self, but it makes it so frustrating to get ready for our day, and really hard to leave her and come to work.

I didn't have any serious blow-outs because of this, but it was a test of my patience. I felt really guilty for being mad at my daughter for being--to all appearances--ill. How selfish of me.

Debrief

Okay, you all are great. And smart too.

Thank you for the cyber hugs and assurances that I have friends. I know this isn't the first time I've seemed to be begging for such a thing. Honestly, my comment about friends was more about local friends than friends in general...you are all the best of my friends, here or abroad, and I love you! :)

Why are you so smart? At least for the moment, things seem to be better here in my new position. Looks like this was a good thing for me. I am working with a smart and mostly funny group of guys. Some of them go a bit over the top, but I can deal. As for the work, it's not particularly challenging yet, so I can say I'm starting slow--which is what I am equipped to do at this point in life. So, it's all good. Hopefully, this will be the end of the melodrama in my life for a while. It's much easier to be my usual, optimistic self when there's nothing to be pessimistic about. ;)

Thank you again for your friendship, care, assurances, and well-wishing. I truly, deeply appreciate it.

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes... la la la

I seem to find myself with legitimate down time in my new position.

Whee! This will probably only last as long as I'm a newbie... but when I'm waiting on busy people to show me the way, I can blog and surf and play.

So... whirlwind of activity over the past few days.

Tuesday was really quite an awful day. I was...freaking out, basically. I'm ashamed of this. I will tell you all about it in a little while, but suffice to say, I don't like myself when I'm a freakazoid.

The only good thing about Tuesday is an old friend, who at one time was basically my assistant, is now head of several departments. I spoke to him (at my mother's insistence. I really was just freaking out too much to think of such a logical course on my own). He offered me several positions to choose from that I could have if (a)my director's replacement didn't mind letting me go, and (b)the manager of the department I was interested in agreed. I'm old buddies with him too, so I wasn't too worried. However, I also know there are about a dozen people trying to get into his department... so I wasn't real sure of myself either.

Wednesday arrived and I could not find the manager of this dept. This continued until noon or so... so basically I was at loose ends all morning. I hadn't slept too well the night before and was nervous and basically on a low-boil freakout. Blah blah blah... I have the job. Yay! Except... not so yay. I still feel a bit freakish... because they really wanted me because of my programming experience... which I ejected from my brain way back when I first left programming over four years ago. Additionally, any residual knowledge I retained was completely erased when I became pregnant. I feel a lot of pressure now to reinvent myself...and yet I'm still working part-time, and I don't want a career... I just want to be a mom!

Sigh.

There's also a tendency for this all-guy department to be foul-mouthed and make sly comments (regarding making the newbie do such-and-such (strictly work related, nothing that would anger my husband, if you know what I mean)) that I totally miss. I'm clueless on all the inside jokes.

This all makes me very lonely for the close buds I used to have when I was working in the technical departments of this company years ago. They are all gone now, on to bigger and better things. I miss my friends! That's another thing I'll have to talk to you all about later on. This feeling of being almost friendless. sigh.

well, as I embark upon this new...adventure, I'll try to keep you posted.

Of all the times not to be procrastination, this is it.

I will likely be losing my job due to downsizing within the next month. Last month they let 50 people go, yesterday they demoted the COO and my very own boss. Ouch. Quite a few people in other departments, mostly management types, were demoted and re-assigned. So... I know my turn is coming.

I've always kind of flippantly said that if I lost my job, at least I'd get to stay home with Eve. But right now, I'd have to find a new home to stay at if I lost my job... so, I take it all back.

Ruminating on my resume and the (im)possibility of finding a new job in the middle of summer that is part time and flexible, no nights or weekends (you know, all the jobs the college kids and highschoolers already snapped up) has me considering what else I can find to do. Obviously, I'll be looking for other jobs...but what if I could just do nothing?

Maybe you've heard of One Red Paperclip. It's just one of those almost cost-free publicity stunts that has to be profitable... not to mention that this guy may eventually actually get a house... all from trading up on a paperclip. There's the Million dollar website that sells pixel advertising... I mean... how do I get in on this? I think I have to be more creative and less... cynical about things.

I guess I could always go back to programming. Maybe Microsoft is hiring.

Well... there you go. Not a fun update, but that's life.

Myspace

So... what's up with myspace?

I don't have a "myspace". Do you?

The few spaces of others I've visted have... let's just say, offended my sense of visual order. ick. Am I really too old to "get" myspace?

My little brother has a space, as does my even littler nephew... and I suspect my niece does too... although she'd have to lie about her age...

Am I missing out on a way cool feature of the net?

Sigh...

So, where have I been lately? I've been in an absolute fever of creative activity. No...not writing, but crafting! I'm mostly not very good. But, I've been having fun, and it's much easier to do with Eve under foot than writing is... for me anyway.

If you want to see the two things I've actually completed, check out these threads on the way cool crafting forum, Craftster.org.

First, an embroidered onesie

And my very first solo sewing project, a reversible clutch

Before I found Craftster, I was not particularly interested in crafting anything... and now I'm very disappointed that I took wood shop instead of home-ec. :)

So why the sigh? My life is in turmoil. Well, really, only work is in turmoil, but it's very difficult to... separate anxiety about work and the rest of my life, when it's so very important for me to be working for us to stay afloat.

On top of that... I've been feeling uncharacteristically lacking in self-esteem. Tom and I used to have this incredibly busy schedule...we always had something going, people to entertain, places to go. But lately... I feel like we have no friends, like *I* have no friends. Not that I have no friends at all, after all, I have you all. Just no friends close by to get together with, no one to share the day-to-day annoyances (oh yes... and joys) with.

I don't think that normally bothers me, but this past week, it's set me to wondering why that is? Why are all my close friends actually quite far away, and my near friends mostly tepid? Is it me?

I'm afraid I'm getting a bit down... so I think I won't go on. I don't like negativity...so basically, I hope you all are doing well.

Know your A B Cs

Okay. First, I just have to say, I love how thoughts come to me when I'm in the shower. It's like my own little thinking spot. Do you have such a place? I get my best ideas in there, and I compose not only my best fiction, but my best arguments. This is great when I'm trying to convince my husband of something. I get to really perfect my pitch and then stick it to him bright and early in the morning. He's defenseless. :)

So, I don't know why, but I was thinking about those... blogtivities (you know, blog activities) that seems to spread like a rash around the blogosphere. I tend to steer clear of them, just as I do chain letters in email (when was the last time you got a chain letter on dead tree?), but I for some reason I was trying to think of one to do on my own blog, and also trying to inspire my writing friends a bit, and inspire myself for that matter. (You see, as soon as I got back in to writing, I was reminded I have embroidered baby gifts to finish for babies that are already in the world and growing like wildfire! ack! Then, Tom made me a mother's day gift that finally allows me to use the sewing machine and sewing table that were Christmas and Birthday gifts, respectively. Yay! Have you ever tried threading your sewing machine? I was filled with pride in my domestic ability, and then I sewed a test swatch, and after a few tweaks, it worked! Sorry, tangent) I need to simply practice a bit.

So, this isn't about fiction writing, it's simply about word dexterity and sentences. And really, this is no way to write prose... word dexterity, word dexterity. :) Oh, and I was somewhat inspired by the Six Degrees of Separation thing (you know, Kevin Bacon).

Here's the details of the blogtivity:

Go through the alphabet at least 3 letters at a time, and no more than 6.

Your sentence must be a complete sentence, each word must begin with a consecutive letter of the alphabet.

Your sentence must contain two names, these names must be names of someone famous, but first (or last) names only. (If for some strange, foolish reason you're challenged about which famous person you mean, I'm sure you will clarify by giving both the first and last names, or identifying the character of a book, movie or television show, this is a pretty flexible requirement.)

Your sentence must begin with a name.

Aside from names, no words may be repeated in a single circuit of the alphabet.

The next person to respond must begin their sentence with the second name you used in your own sentence.

Example:

I write: Angelina bears criticism despite Evangeline's frankness.

someone follows with: Evangeline forgot Gerard's Halberd.

I, or someone else follows with: Gerard hastened in Jack's killer.

etc. etc. etc. All the way to: Xander yanked Zeke.

Sound like fun to anyone? Join me in the comments, or start a thread on your own blog!

Jenn

Point? There is no point.

This morning was one of those mornings. You know, I began to go in to detail, but I think I can sum it all up by saying it took me an entire hour (I'm not exaggerating) to pack my lunch. I sailed into work, again, quite literally, just as my Friday morning meeting began, at 11:00 AM. It's a good thing it's Friday, because it's these kinds of days that usually make me contemplate violence.

Oh! I finally got the newish Rob Thomas album. You will never believe what I'm about to say about it, and I'm not giving a full review, because I haven't really sat down to listen attentively. So, my quick and dirty opinion: First, it's not writing music, and it's not angst music (those are my two favorite kinds.) That wasn't really a surprise though. What is? It reminds me of Michael Jackson. No, seriously. In a good way! You know, when MJ was a popular super-star, not when he became the weirdo (and I mean that in the most extreme sense possible). I really like it, and I intend to try making it driving music for a time so I can get a better sense of it.

In other news:

I finished writing Eve's birth story (finally!), and when I sat down to write an update of her the day after her 18 month birthday (which was Wednesday), I couldn't think of a single thing to say.

Books

I love Jane Austen.

Now, I know that's not all that controversial. Many people are inspired by her. I don't think you are dropping your jaws right now. But since I'm enjoying myself I thought I'd share the love. I believe I shall be rambling wildly in this post, so please bear with me.

You'll recall a few posts ago I mentioned the argument over the Pride and Prejudice films with my boss' wife. At that time, I suggested the movie Persuasion, and this sparked a conversation that could not be resolved without reading the book.

Sometime ago, in certain research I did for work, I discovered a great free ebook website, Project Gutenberg and they have all of Jane Austen's published works! Score! They have many others too. Check it out.

I read Persuasion, then P&P, and now I'm reading Sense and Sensibility. I'm struck by how unlikely it is that these works would have been published if Jane Austen were to write them today. But they're wonderful! I find that to be true of many books I love. I know that they wouldn't get snapped up the way that they should because they don't fit the popular formula. How sad. Or, how glad we are that Austen published her books when she did. :)

I had just begun reading S&S when my mother gave me what I will call a Jane Austen fan-fic to read, Suspense and Sensibility. My mother had the advantage when reading this book of not having just finished two wonderful Austen novels. In comparison, this book is dull. I'm not deep into it, so perhaps the plot will be pleasing, and it is not poorly written, but Austen's prose is such that the typical regency novel of today pales in comparison. Sigh.

So, ebooks. This is not my first foray into reading them (I read most of the Lord of the Rings that way), however, excepting one novel none of the ebooks I've read of late publication have impressed me. Now, I'm not saying I think that's a fault of the publication method. I wasn't really choosing these books as I might a paperback book, but there's the issue. Most ebooks must be purchased from the ebook publisher, right? Am I wrong on this? Is there in fact an ebook bookstore like Amazon (or even Amazon itself) that "carries" all the ebooks available from all the publishers? I don't think so.

Would that there were! Besides Jane Austen, guess what else I love. Netflix! Why? Recommendations and reviews! Just like Amazon does with books (which can end up being mighty spendy to me, if I'm not careful) Netflix lets you rate movies you've seen, and gives you recommendations for other movies to see based on the movies you rated. I'm addicted. I love it. Even better? I usually love my recommendations, even more so when it comes to Amazon than Netflix.

Gah! Okay... I just got sucked in over at Amazon. Good thing they have the Wish List now, otherwise I'd have quite a full cart, and no grocery money. I checked to see what their ebook section looks like, and it looks mainly like it's ebooks of books on dead tree, and some novellas possibly published in-house.

Where was I? Oh yeah. There's nothing like that for ebooks... is there? My impression is that each e-publishing house is an entity unto itself. No big warehouse of ebooks to peruse and compare--unless I want to hop all over the web to each publisher, what a chore! And what about finding what I like? I know what I like in books on dead tree, and so does Amazon! I know what I like in movies, and so does Netflix! I have no idea what I like in ebooks, and neither does anyone else!

Why does this bug me? Well, I really like reading ebooks... I mean, I like having them on my laptop. It's much easier to scroll through pages of electronic text while Eve nurses or while I struggle her to sleep than it is to read a paperback, or worse, a hardcover. First there's the lighting issue. Good reading light and good "night-night" light are two very different things. Then, there's the awkwardness of reading one-handed. It's almost as bad as typing one handed. Have you ever tried flipping pages with the same hand with which you hold the book? It's hard! And sometimes I drop the darn book. Additionally, you'd never believe how loud turning a paper page can be...it's much louder and more distracting than a little iBook mouse-click.

Why should I have to go without like this? So... if you're in the know, and you have the source for recommendations that correlate to what I like... let me know! I know there are e-zines and whatnot that rate books, but I want a service that works like the ratings on Amazon and Netflix. Does such a thing exist?

I think I'm done.

Acts

I hope you don't come here for consistency.

I've been reading the Bible a lot lately.

X recently posted on The Da Vinci Code and National Geographic shows on the origins of The Good Book. I believe in what's called Biblical inerrancy, that the Bible is the true and accurate (error-free) Word of God. Anywho... that's not really the topic here, although I do find it interesting, and it did get me to thinkin' about history, and what we base things on in Christian religions.

So, I'm reading the book of Acts, all about the first-century "church."

DH and I have been doing a lot of soul-searching these days about church, what it should be, what it is, what we want in a church we'd attend. You see, we are church-searching for the first time since our marriage, and my first time in adulthood. He's attended two churches in his life, ours and his parents', and though I've attended many more than that, they've all been the same "type" of church (I would say denomination, but it's non-denominational... franchise might almost be the right word. Each church I've attended has been one of many Calvary Chapels, all aligned under the leadership of the first Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa, California and it's founder and head-pastor, Chuck Smith, but this is minutiae you can skip, hence the parentheses.) So, it's a big challenge for us to find a new place, especially in a small community, where we already know all there is to know about half the churchs in the area. That is to say, we are looking with little enthusiasm, and less success--at least within a reasonable distance from home.

So, here I am, currently churchless, reading about the activities and adventures, if you will, of the first believers in Jesus Christ. That was an exciting time! I mean, you've got miracles going on left and right, there's even a transportation in there, as well as the ubiquitous lame, blind, and sick healings, raising people from the dead, and not to mention exorcisms. Imagine the movie this would make!

But most interesting to me, at the moment, is the verve of the believers. These people are, to put it mildly, ecstatic about what is going on in their lives and what Christ did on their behalf, and what that means about God and life and death. Their enthusiasm is so great that their numbers grow by the thousands on a daily basis. I'm thinkin' MySpace and the iPod have nothing on first century Christian Evangelism. Christianity was spreading like wildfire.

Today? Not so much. Why is that? What has changed? It's certainly not God, nor is what Jesus Christ did any less revolutionary or life-changing--at least it shouldn't be. And yet, my husband, a fine, upstanding Christian man has about 10 times more enthusiasm to convert PC users to the Mac than he does to tell someone about the Man who saved his soul. Me? I'm much more likely to spread the good word of Breastfeeding and Babywearing than I am to share The Good News. Does this mean we're bad Christians? Ha! I'm coming to understand there's no good ones. There's merely a bunch of sinners (bad folks) saved (rescued from death and all manner of unpleasantness in life and after) by Grace (ooh, the U2 song... so good!)

What I mean to say is, I don't think this means I need to strive to be better, and go out there and beat all my friends and neighbors upside the head with Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. If I had the excitement of the first-century church, I wouldn't need to strive, I would be bubbling over with it, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut, I'd be challenging authority and breaking chains, heck, I'd be healing the sick and raising the dead.

So what's missing that leaves me shy about my "secret identity" as a Christian?

I'm on the hunt for the answer. I'll keep you posted.

I've just run out of time... I have more to say on this subject, so I hope you'll forgive me the next time I do.

Movies, TV, and writing

Okay. So, the movie I just recently watched, which is by no means new, is "Dear Frankie"

It was a sweet film, I'm glad I finally saw it, and I recommend it. There was nothing very surprising in it, and I have very little to relate about the plot (wouldn't want to spoil it) but I will mention the two principal adult actors...and then I'll segue into the TV stuff, and the writing... it's all intertwined today.

The heroine looks a lot like Miranda Otto , who I really like. Miranda is the heroine of a delightful little movie by the name of Danny Deckchair, if you haven't seen it, do. It's hilarious and romantic. What more could you ask for? Oh! It's set in Australia... there now, nothing more to ask for. ;) I'm sure I could take this all the way to Kevin Bacon, but we'll stop for now.

It's the hero of "Dear Frankie" I'm more interested in anyway. Gerard Butler is perfect. Oh. So. Perfect. Where have you been all my life Gerard? I've seen him in a few other films, but never has he looked quite so attractive to me as he did in this film. Maybe it's the mystery, maybe it's the facial hair, it's definitely the eyes, and good hands. Sigh. I'm sure he'll be the inspiration for my next hero. He's really quite perfect.

I always have an actor in mind when I create a hero. Interestingly, I never have an actress in mind for the heroine. Why is that? I suspect it's because I have me--an idealized me, of course--in mind as I write the heroine. Sad, huh? Anyway. For my Fantasy epic I wrote my hero with Oded Fehr in mind. And another related story is cooking in my head because of my passionate addiction to Naveen Andrews, of Lost fame. And now, I just have to think of the perfect character to go with Gerard... my new favorite.

Catch ya' later!

Movies, books, and music...

On second thought, how about just Movies. There's simply too much to discuss. Remind me later that I promised a books post and a music post.

So I've been having a proxy argument through my boss with my boss's wife. She recently became addicted--seriously--to Pride and Prejudice, starring Keira Knightlely and Judy Dench. And some other people.

When my boss first told me how much she liked this movie, I recommended the BBC miniseries (somewhere between 5 and 6 hours of Jane Austen Heaven!) starring Colin Firth. Need I say more?

They watched it and she pronounced it a "sucky" movie. Bah. Clearly she misunderstands Austen.

So, aside from the perfection of Colin Firth, what didn't I like about the "new" P&P? Oh, I'll tell you.

First *Everything* was much too shabby. Excepting Judy Dench. Mr. Darcy would never be caught with stubble, especially at church! Come on. Elizabeth's hair was... oh, just deplorable! Ugh. The Bennet girls are supposed to be quite beautiful, and yet they all dressed like scullery maids. Mr. Bennet looked like some kind of back-woods creep. Seriously, I'm sure it had something to do with the casting... but razors are not a new invention!

Okay. So, done with the shabby. How about we examine Mr. Darcy more carefully. He simply went too quickly from pronouncing Elizabeth barely tolerable to asking her to dance, which is a thing we know he detests. A few hours! I know, there was so little time to cover everything as it should be covered, but really, this is important. Darcy's admiration of Elizabeth is slow-blooming. Additionally, you may recall, Darcy on first glance was quickly considered more handsome and well-groomed than Bingley (who was also disappointing, but we don't care quite so much about him), and could have been the favorite if it weren't for his manners. In this movie, he dresses like a vicar...his cravat is not impressive, all black is rather severe... his hair... well, I digress. Shabby. Anyway, rather than simply behaving like he's better than everyone, this Darcy appeared not bored, but angry and depressed. Like, who died, Mr. Darcy? Also, he became much too cheerful much too quickly. I felt he began to make it quite obvious to Elizabeth that he admired her from that first time they danced... which, of course, should not have preceded Jane's illness at Netherfield. Anyway... all too fast, all not quite in character. He was too proud to appear so eager so soon.

I was also disappointed in the handling of the Wickham/Lydia affair. In the BBC version, when you all of a sudden see Darcy stand up at the wedding... knowing he forced it and financed it... your heart just melts! Oh, Darcy, what a hero! You have saved the family from utter ruin, and for so undeserving a couple, and a man who injured you most heinously. In this one, you hear about it from Lydia, but it has no where near the power. On the other hand, who needs that power... things are so far progressed by this point in the movie, it makes no sense that Elizabeth turned him down in the first place... or little sense, anyway. Additionally, I don't think the impression of how terrible this would be for the family was well conveyed. Yes, Elizabeth threw her fit (which seemed a little over the top), but it didn't really make it clear how real and serious the issue was.

Mr. Collins wasn't nearly as awful... and Mr. Collins must be awful.

What did I like? I really thought some of the cinematography was great... there were simply some beautiful scenes. The bit at the assembly when Darcy and Elizabeth are dancing and all of a sudden it's only the two of them, that's great! The morning fog scene, just before and when Darcy renews his offer. beautiful. There are others as well. If it weren't for the shabbiness, I would have to say that the production was better, if only slightly.

I thought the casting of Wickham was better. This guy never came across as creepy, which I think is important in making his past believable (that he hoodwinked the late Mr. Darcy and Miss Darcy too). I could see how Lydia (and Elizabeth) could go for this guy. Oh! But paying for fripperies? Highly improper! Elizabeth would have been shocked.

Judy Dench was just fabulous. Nothing better. She far surpasses the casting in the BBC version. I also liked that her visit to Eliza Bennet occurred at night...unbelievable, but very striking.

No other casting struck me as improved, and Bingley, Darcy, and Mr. Bennet were decidedly worse.

As for the final scene, I liked it. Even though it's a bit of license, I like it indeed.

So, there you go. Now that that's out of the way.

If you like Pride and Prejudice, you will certainly LOVE the BBC version. If you are eternally attached to the new one, look at the BBC version as an expansion, it's very close to the book. Other P&P treatments: Bride and Prejudice, the delightful Bollywood musical, which Sayid from Lost playing the Bingley role. :) And Bridget Jones's Diary (the book is wonderful, and the movie very good too).

That's enough from me for now. I really should get some work done. Next time, I'll discuss another movie I finally saw.

Catch ya' later!

Dieting...

So... yesterday, after my morning Latte' (which used to be a morning Mocha, with some shot or other to flavor it...talk about sugar!), I decided to go off caffeine. I thought that would be the end of it... but now I recall the 3/4 full bag of Dove Dark Chocolate promises in my desk, and I'm really struggling. I also intend to cut out sugar and grains. How am I going to do this? Ugh!

Heh. I can hear X hecklin' me about all this.

I have a friend who tries out every fad diet that comes along. Every diet works for her for a while, and then she slacks, gains, and tries the next fad diet.

The problem I've always seen with these diets, which are 90% embarked upon so she can lose weight, is that they are so restrictive there's just no way to stay on them. After getting the fever to follow her a time or two, I realized that the only good way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Knowing I didn't really want to do either, I resolved myself to always being a little more fluffy than I'd like.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think exercise is great... but who has the time? If I lived in a climate that would allow frequent after-dinner walks in the warmth of the evening, I'm sure I'd be closer to the skinny Minnie me that I was in high school. As it is, I'd have to get on a treadmill or go to a gym, or erect some other piece of expensive equipment on which to drape clothing--because that's what would happen--and I just can't bear the expense or the sacrifice of more enjoyable pastimes.

As for eating less, I don't know if you all have tried to diet while nursing, but my inability to eat less has very little to do with my will power, and much to do with the caloric needs of being a nursing mum. I suppose a quick fix to feeling less hungry would be to wean. However, life is nice the way it is... I really don't value the loss of 5 or 10 (or 3) lbs more highly than peace at home. I just can't imagine all the hullabaloo weaning Eve would cause... and don't even get me started on how it might effect my already strained sleep!

So... all that to say, I have quite given up the idea of losing weight.

Why then am I going to eschew sugars, starches, and most dairy--basically all that is good and wonderful to eat?

Health.

Since before my pregnancy, and truthfully, possibly since my Central Asia trip, I have been struggling with an illness. I won't go into details with you, but this is something I've tried to fix by any and all means. In fact, it is out of sheer desperation, knowing I have no other options, no other viable course of action, that I intend to embark upon the diet from hell.

This Sunday is D-day. This Sunday is when I will go all out. For the time, I'm simply getting rid of sugar and caffeine... simple, ha!

Gone are evenings in front of a glowing TV, snuggled up with a bowl of ice cream covered in chocolate and peanuts... I don't think peanuts are even allowed on this diet... at least not the dry-roasted kind.

Sigh.

It's possible that many months from now, I will be able to reconsider adding peanuts... but sugar and caffeine are pretty much out for good... as long as I can stand it. Though I'm sure, like my girlfriend, when I begin to feel better, I will forget why I ever went on this silly diet and slowly slide back into my old ways. Hopefully the only consequence will be weight gain....

So, anyway... today, being my first day without caffeine of any kind... I've got a terrible headache... and I'm so tired! There... all that so I could whine at you.

Catch ya' later.

On a related note...

So... Anger.

Let's put aside why I've been getting angry more than usual. What I want to discuss for the moment is how I'm expressing and dealing with anger.

I scream, literally.

I throw stuff... usually small, and never at people. Sometimes chairs... lol.

V. occasionally I really really really feel like kicking that cat, but I know that I'd feel much worse after doing so, so I never have. I only feel this way when she's really been bad.

I sometimes kick things.

I never hit things. I do like slamming doors and cupboards though.

I like to make a lot of noise when I'm angry, I guess.

I am not convinced that I'm handling this right, but the only other model I've witnessed is stuffing it down and being bitter, which I know is wrong.

So... tell me your methods... and tell me what you think of mine.

Oh, and if you're a writer... what do your heroic (main) characters do when angry? Do you use different methods of dealing with anger to demonstrate growth in your character? Do your characters get angry, or do they just get hurt?

Anger

So it had to happen. Eve grew. She grew from a sweet, endlessly happy baby, into... a typical toddler!

She's still sweet, most of the time, and usually happy. However, now that she's taller and stronger and quick as a mamba (as my dad would say), she tries my patience to no end. And it's not that I expect otherwise. No, I don't get angry because I expect her to be able to control herself. She's 17 months old, she doesn't have the self-control to deny any desire.

And honestly, I'm not angry at what she does. It's more how it sometimes ruins my plans.

For instance... (btw, this makes me feel like a terrible mom! I can't believe I did this), last week, on my day off, I thought Eve and I might enjoy making a fresh-fruit smoothie together, and then, of course, consuming it together. I try so hard to make sure she eats healthy... this is an attempt to combat the effects of the French fries that I cave in and give to her. Anyway... first things first, wash Eve's hands! She doesn't make it easy. Thanks to her perma-fascination with the dishwasher, I always have piles of dishes on the counter and in the sink. As soon as I get one hand soaped and move to the other, she's grabbin' at filthy dishes. Before I can stop her she grabs an empty glass and throws it. Miracle of miracles, it doesn't break. I'm relieved and annoyed. "Don't throw glasses on the floor Eve, they might break." LOL--no, I didn't expect her to understand, but I really hoped she'd stay on task long enough to get both hands genuinely clean. Then she grabs another glass... this one, of course, breaks.

I just stand there for a few moments. Trying to... compose myself. I pleasantly tell her, "That's what happens when you throw glass on the floor."

She'd been fussy and clingy all day, for whatever reason, and I'd gotten almost nothing done. I thought I was okay with that, but my tantrum proved me wrong.

I had shoes on, thank goodness, so I intended to pick her up and put her in her highchair to keep her out of the way while I cleaned up. And then it hit me how much I DETEST cleaning up broken glass. I mean, who likes it, right? But, I would rather clean up muddy footprints on white carpet any day. Glass fills me with this irrational fear... or maybe perfectly rational. It's impossible to see the tiny shards, which are still perfectly capable of cutting and embedding into feet. It's impossible to get away without getting something stuck to your shoes and then tracked elsewhere, where a little shard will remain unnoticed until it injures someone. I feel powerless against broken glass. Not only that, but a 30 minute micro-clean was *not* on my list of things I wanted to do. In fact, I'd swept the kitchen just the night before... sweeping wasn't on my list! LOL... I could think of a million other things I'd rather do for 30 minutes, even folding laundry. The worst of it was that Eve was still clingy and fussy, so while I cleaned I knew I'd have to listen to her whine at me. I hate hearing her cry.

So, as all of this knowledge hits me, I pick her up and put her under one arm, intending to move the chair she was standing on to make my path to her highchair a little more direct and a little less glassy. As usual, there are a few heavy coats hanging on the back of the chair--with glass in them now--because we don't have an entry way, a coat rack, or a coat closet... gah! I'm getting mad just thinkin' about all this. All that to say, I can't lift the chair with my left hand. I'm ashamed at my behavior. All of this just kind of made me snap... so I picked the chair up as best I could (2 legs still on the floor) and threw all my weight into it so I could essentially throw it across the room (well...the 3 or 4 feet to the cabinets), at the same time, whatever monologue I was giving Eve (I am sure it was something along the lines of, "Now you're going to have to sit in your chair, which I know you'll be unhappy about, but you've got no choice, because the glass is dangerous and it's going to take Mama ages to clean up.") went up a few decibels and down a few notes, so I could yell and throw at the same time.

Then I tip-toed as fast as I could and gave her absolutely no sympathy as I deposited her into her chair.

I fumed and railed as I cleaned, until finally deciding things would be better if I just forgave Eve and myself for the debacle (which I was mainly responsible for anyway). I did feel better, but it didn't change the fact that it was now nearly time to begin making dinner.

This was the most spectacular example of my temper of late, but it's by no means the only time I've thrown a tantrum. It scares Eve and it makes me feel terrible... I'm angry that I'm angry... lol.

After talking with Tom about it, we came to the conclusion that I get angry when my expectations aren't met. I don't expect certain behaviors from Eve, normally, but I do become accustomed to the way things go, or way thing appear to be going on any given day.

Part of the reason I got angry on the glass-breaking day was because, as my second (and not usual) day off of the week, I'd expected to be able to do a little housework catching-up, and to have fun playing with Eve. Instead, I neither had fun nor got anything done, because Eve was in a mood. Some days I get angry she doesn't nap. Other days, I can tell she won't be napping, and so I don't expect it, and don't get angry about it.

Ever since Eve was born I've had to periodically readjust my expectations of myself. When she was new, I had to tell myself it was okay to let the house go, because she needed so much. Then when I started back to work, I had to tell myself it was okay to let the house go, because I couldn't be expected to do it all with such a young baby who still needed so much. When my hours were unexpectedly cut back (babysitter issues) I started getting the house in a bit better shape, because I had more time. Then, when I was able to work things out to get back to my normal hours, things fell apart again. And now I'm not sure what I should be telling myself. I mean, I feel like I can't claim I have a needy baby anymore... she's old enough now that I should be able to get stuff done... isn't she? On the other hand, if I set myself up with expectations, they are invariably unattainable, and then I get upset. So, it would be better to never expect to get the house clean, because then I wouldn't get mad about it.

For the moment, I am simply repeatedly reminding myself of a few things. First, that I don't want to resent Eve because she doesn't allow me to get housework done, because spending time with Eve is actually what I want to be doing... it's housework that's getting in the way of that, not vice versa. I also remind myself that even when I don't get around to laundry, dishes, or vacuuming, it doesn't mean I am not getting things done. The day doesn't just vanish. For instance, yesterday, as I was getting agitated because it took me all morning to get dinner in the crock pot, I made a list of things I'd done:

I changed 4 dirty diapers, and 6 diapers total.
I nursed and cuddled Eve to her little heart's content.
I prepared a rather labor-intensive meal from scratch. (this is another source of anger, as I seem to be incapable of cooking anything successfully...it never tastes good to Tom... there's always something wrong with it, yesterday's meal was no exception.)
I showered and dressed.
Got Eve dressed (quite adorably, of course)
Emptied her diaper pail and the kitchen trash, even going so far as to put new bags in the bins.
I read 6 chapters of Jane Austen's Persuasion (while nursing).
Prepared and consumed two healthy meals for Eve and myself.
Read 2 books twice through to Eve.

All this between 8 and 1:15 when I took her to her grandpa's so I could come to work for a few hours. This helped calm me when I began to feel a little on edge when it was time to change her diaper for the 4th time in 2 hours. With all the breaks she demanded of me, what should have taken about 30 minutes (cleaning and cutting veggies for potato-leek soup) took me about 2 hours to complete... but I managed to be okay with it... with effort.

So... I've learned how to forgive people. But I haven't yet figured out what to do "in the moment" when something makes me angry. Part of the problem is needing to not get angry in the first place over some things, but there will always be some things that are legitimate that make me angry... how do I deal with those?

Right now, I'm teaching my daughter by example that when we are upset and mad, we throw things and yell. I'm glad to teach her that sometimes we get angry and it's okay to be angry, but I don't like the message that fit-throwing is the way to vent that anger. I simply don't know what else to do, and I seem to be incapable of controlling myself to any great degree... I'm like a toddler myself in that respect.

Back in the saddle?

I deliberately left all my work at work for the weekend.

Blame it on my boss. He asked me what I wanted to do with my life when I decide I've had enough of him. I told him I want to be a writer. He challenged me right off the bat. Basically saying, if you want to be a writer, where's the writing? I went on to explain that a lot has changed for me since Eve was born, and had changed even before that. Basically, I told him I'd written, but not anymore.

Excuses.

This got me to thinkin'.

A few new ideas flitted around in my head, but when I told my mom about it all... she asked me about all my unfinished stuff.

So I went back to look at my most finished unfinished novel. Heh... it's pretty darn good. For only being about 25% done... It's a big story, so I have lots of pages done, and lots left.

I've had lots of thoughts lately.

First off, I'm not sure I can write what I actually like to read. Except my own words. Does that make sense? I *love* reading what I've written. Be it email, fiction, term papers...vanity, thy name is Jenne. I've caught myself re-reading things I find particularly brilliant. Am I the only one who thinks her own stuff just... rocks? Don't get me wrong, I don't go so far as to imagine other people think it rocks (the fools ;))

Anyway...back to what I can't write. I may love reading my own stuff, but will anyone else? Would I love my characters and plot, atmosphere and voice were they someone else's? For instance, my favorite romance novels are historical intrigues. That's why I *LOVE* Nita Abrams. Have I mentioned her before? Anyway... I'm not sure I can build and sustain mystery... and I know I can't write historical, I simply don't know enough about historical time periods to do so. I would hate to write a historical romance using only the information I've gleaned from other historical romances and other historical fiction, it just seems wrong. I think manners and norms would probably be something I could manage...but the atmosphere would be really hard to pull off.

I also love comedy, in pretty much any genre... but I don't pretend I've got a brilliant sense of humor (well, I know what's funny...and I don't include myself in the list, generally) and even if I did, I don't know if I could convey it on the page. When I've tried, it's been very... forced.

I love fantasy (from totally other-world, like LOTR, to contemporary paranormal) but I don't want anything too serious or... rather, I don't want anything that is going to bring me down. Can I pull that off? I am not yet sure. I know there are rules to world-building, but I couldn't tell you what they are.

Looking at my reading purchases over the years, it is these various kinds of books I spend my money on. It's these kinds of books I'd like to write. Am I a coward for thinking I can't?

In all that thinkin' I've been doing, I looked through my ms again. I told you that already, I also told you I think it's pretty darn good. What I didn't tell you is I'm seriously thinkin' of writing some more of it. If I wasn't spending so much time blogging, I might even be working on it now. :)

Catch you later.

Long time...

Yes, it's been forever. I bet no one is looking, and honestly, a big part of me hopes no one does. Because I'm about to out myself, and probably put myself on the black list... or at least that list of people you tolerate but don't really like. That's what happens when your opinions are unpopular--truly unpopular, not Hollywood Elite "unpopular". What I'm about to do is risky. No one will applaud me for how "brave" I'm being. They'll either agree (probably silently, unless they want to take risks too) or disagree, and add me to one or another less than desirable lists.

Usually, I just keep my mouth shut. Don't rock the boat. But honestly, that's not the *real* me.

In person, if you start talking politics and government, or religion, I'm not shy. I am nice, I am polite, but if you say something I believe is wrong, I'm going to tell you so, and tell you why, and then tell you what I think is the alternative, and correct, opinion to hold.

Which leads me to a conversation my husband and I had lately. He told me about a client's opinion on a subject that I have strong opinions on myself. My husband spoke in glowing terms of the wisdom of this guy's ideas. I'm ashamed to say I ripped dh up one side and down the other--and we weren't even discussing what my dh thought! Anyway, we went on to argue over whether or not opinions can be right or wrong... dh says they can't be, they either are or aren't, like feelings.

I disagree, but by that time in the conversation, I was feeling chastened over my treatment of dh, so I didn't pursue it. Opinions, unlike feelings, are ideas, and ideas have power. They may not be able to be true or untrue, in all situations, but they can be good or bad, and often they can be right or wrong. I can hold the opinion all I want that you don't need to breathe to live... but I'd be wrong.

So back to my risk-taking of the day. Since discovering I could make friends online, I've followed the old adage to never discuss politics or religion. A wise course of action. Both subjects tend to inflame passions that the bonds of friendship cannot quench. This may be especially true online, as many of my online pals have never met me in person, and even those who have may not love me so dearly that they wouldn't drop me like a bad habit if they were to discover some truths. What do they have to lose? It's not like we'll meet at the market, or awkwardly be forced to sit beside each other at some community function. If they want to never speak to me again, it would be pretty darn easy to do so.

Additionally, inflection and tone are hard to read. If I write something in email, on a message board, or in IM, or now, on a blog entry or comment, there's really no telling if I'm being kind and gentle or hard as nails. This is a lesson I've learned time and again in my professional life. Unless the words themselves are good and uplifting, try sharing them in person, because if you don't, the negativity seems to be magnified in text. Just another reason to avoid the sticky topics of the day.

Luckily, most of my dearest friends have tended toward the same behavior, skirting the topics that are most likely to divide. Playing it safe with the feelings of others, and maintaining friendships by fostering commonalities and ignoring possible differences, never even knowing if those differences exist.

I'll blame blogs for the change. I tend to go in spurts with my online activity. It's been a bit since I actively read all the blogs I enjoy. I've been back in the saddle, so to speak, for a few weeks, and I'm finding lately that my friends are being risky, with their oh-so-popular opinions. I suspect (though surely I could be mistaken) that since their opinions tend to be the popular ones at the moment, they feel that can't possibly be offending anyone important to them with their words. And honestly, I'm not a thin-skinned individual. I'm not offended so much as annoyed. These are people I love and care about. Yet the words I read are something I can't let go without comment.

I don't want to enter into an argument, so don't expect some sort of point-by-point take down. I'm not doing this to change minds, but rather to inform.

Not everyone thinks like you! No, seriously, not all intelligent, compassionate, "normal" people agree with all the other intelligent, compassionate, "normal" people in the world. I'm pretty sure these wonderful people who are my friends wouldn't call me friend if they didn't believe I was intelligent, compassionate, "normal" and all good things one expects of friends.

I've been living a comfortable lie, telling myself that surely these friends must, deep down, know the truth about me. We don't discuss my differences, because we love each other too much to get into something so... divisive. But the latest comments have shown me my self-deception. I know these people care about me, so let me tell you all that I don't want to hear it. I don't want to read what you think of George W. Bush, the War on Terrorism, the Iraq front of that war, the patriot act or NSA wire-tapping. At least, not if I have to continue keeping my mouth shut to keep you as friends.

I'm a political sometimes-junkie. It's another of those things I do in spurts. I like Fox News, Rush Limbaugh (shock!!!), National Review--I even like John Ashcroft! I especially like George W. Bush. That doesn't mean I agree with every decision he makes, but I believe he is the right man to have in the office of President of the United States. I'm thrilled he was there to take us through 9/11. I'm tickled that his leadership brought down one of many grave threats to our security as a nation; I'm soberly realistic that NSA wiretapping of certain people is one of the best ways to ensure another 9/11 never takes place. I'm determined to see the good and the benefit of changes that have taken place, even as I sneer at expanding government and pandering across the aisle. I could go on and on--but it's more expedient to say that if the mainstream media outlets are touting something, I'm not buying. I could quibble with a million things "this administration" has done, but I think on the big questions, the big issues, the answers have been right.

I expect silent disapproval, a slow, quiet distancing. I bid you a fond farewell, and wish I could have endured in silence.

Eve is one

Happy Birthday Eve!

One day late. :)

She is having her last party tonight... so I'll post the details of all three party nights after that.

Let me just say that she was extremely dainty and clean in her first cake eating adventure. Tom may insist on dark food coloring in her frosting for the second cake tonight.

I know. This is boring. I'm leaving now. Go watch In America or something.

Eve firsts...

Yes, I know... I said next time I'd discuss more musical old favorites. But... I can't think of any right now.

Eve slept a little better last night than lately, and it was also easier to get her down to begin with. Yay!

She was just the most precious pink Leopard you've ever seen for Halloween. She also managed to snag her first taste of chocolate....

We'd trick-or-treated at Tom's parents, Eve's pediatrician's (his parent's neighbor), Tom's sister's, and Tom's buddy's house, collecting a v. respectable amount of candy. Is it against child labor laws to force your not-quite-one-year-old to do the onerous task of candy collection yet withhold the spoils for yourself? I *wish* we'd had the video camera... because she played her part perfectly. We'd set her in front of the door, put her candy bag at her feet, ring the door bell, and hide. Everyone was greeted by a lone, smiling pink cat, who immediately turned tail and ran for mom :). Too bad we couldn't teach her to say Trick-or-Treat. Ah well, next year.

Once we reached Grandma's, all the other houses were within very short driving or walking distance, so Eve never had to suffer the monotony of a car ride. However, after we took a short dinner break at Grandma's, we headed to the great grandparents, which required a bit of a drive. Eve immediately put her foot down about that, and insisted on some sort of new entertainment. I handed her a wrapped mini Twix. Deep in the back of my mind I chose a candy without nuts... "just in case." but I knew she wouldn't be able to get the wrapper off... it would just be something fun for her to play with.

And it was fun! She didn't make a peep for the rest of the drive. As we pulled up to the great grandparents' house, Tom leaned back to check on Eve. She'd been so quiet he thought she'd fallen asleep. Ha!

"Jenn, I think she is eating it."

"No way." I say, as I get out of the car and open the back door.

"She is eating it!"

I grab the large half of the wrapper, in which most of the candy bar (not already on her face or in her belly) is still residing. She's got cookie and chocolate all over her face, and all over her fingers. She knows the jig is up. Even as I snatch the larger piece from her left hand, with her right she frantically stuffs the other bit of wrapper (and crumbs of chocolate and cookie) into her mouth and activates the jaws of steel. There is a light in her eyes of triumph, but unfortunately for her, she left a corner of the wrapper outside her lips... and a gentle tug disengages the entire thing. She giggles. No matter what I do, she's already had chocolate... I can't take that away from her. It's a struggle to wipe her face and nose, but even more difficult is the task of getting it off her hands... she fists her hands, valiantly trying to spare the vestiges of chocolate left on her palms... but I prevail, and except for a lingering aroma of the forbidden treat, she is clean.

Now, when unsuspecting relatives offer her a bowl of wrapped candy bars, instead of looking vaguely at them, wondering what they're trying to interest her in now, she--with the speed of a mamba--whips out her hands, grabs whatever her fingers land upon, and whisks it to her mouth, desperate for another taste of divine indulgence. But I'm on to her now.

Doin' nothin' for the fun of it

Eve's latest trick is Velcro(tm). She wouldn't let us leave her in the nursery at church this Sunday... she was having a grand ol' time, but would check to make sure Tom or I was there ever few minutes. The one time that I moved and she couldn't find me, she started to cry pitifully. This morning, instead of the usual diving out of my arms into Grandma's, she clung and fussed and grabbed my legs when I finally put her on the floor. Made it extra hard to leave this morning. I took her in for Halloween costume portraits on Sunday, and she wouldn't even stay put for that... she kept getting up and coming to me... and no smiles either. I figure it must be because of the walking... she's figuring out how her and I aren't the same... and that I can leave. Poor tyke.

All right... so I tried the Google trick of searching for "Jenne wants", and I really wasn't going to post it... I was just wasting time... but I couldn't resist... here's the first 5 for your reading pleasure.

1. Jenne wants the judge to lift a 1994 consent decree that called for
ongoing court oversight of Broward jails. Because, come on, the Warden should be king!

2. (This is my favorite) Jenne wants to be buried in a big marble filing cabinet. I don't even think I can add anything to that. It's perfect.

3. jenne. :frown: *wants to give a hug, but doesn't because of the illness* This is totally me... gramophone. Can you see I'm beginning to really dig deep here... On the net, Jenne wants very little... or rather, infrequently.

And then I just page and page and page searching for another instance of Jenne wants... rather than... wants... blah blah blah... Jenne.... And I realize I'm totally dumb! I need to put in "Jenne wants" not Jenne wants... duh.

Other interesting things I found in the search... someone sharing my moniker is the "Webmistress of Clitical.com" Hee. And Sheriff Ken Jenne (the guy who has the issue with court oversight) is popping up on every page of search results. And... there's a Senator Ken Jenne... leading me to wonder if the Sheriff has moved on up.

4. (now that I'm searching for "Jenne wants" (with quotes) things are more fun...)Jenne wants to do 9 things. I want to only have 9 things on my list!

Last, but certainly not least...
5. jenne wants to hop in the shower and then get a little frisky.

I suppose that would be more fun than getting back to work. But, since my search for "Jenne must" turned up about a dozen "Jenne must go!" I guess I must...