Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I don't think this post is really worth reading...

but if you insist on doing so, don't say I didn't warn you.

No pictures, no crafts, no funny stories. Seriously, you can go read the delightful blogs in my new "current faves" list (check the sidebar blog roll), or the Seaside blogs, or check out the groups I'm a part of on Flickr. All more entertaining.

I have to finish up community service (5 hours left to go before Monday!!), so all my free time has been going in to that, and crafting is taking a way-back burner to everything else. So much so that even though I only have to attach the straps to Eve's backpack which I started just after Christmas, and I only have to weave in the fringe on her scarf, which I otherwise finished quite sometime ago, and one of the 4 shirts I need to embroider quick-like is two colors and probably 20 minutes of stitching away from being finished, they will all probably stay unfinished in the exact current state they're in (the backpack is actually under the needle on the machine) for some time.

I did tell you about the 27 hours of community service I get to do at church to pay off my school zone speeding ticket, right? I'm so happy I can do this, because I have no idea where the money would have come from to pay it. But, it was somewhat bad timing, since Tom had surgery right in the middle of my 60 days to complete the service in, and that basically took me out of commission for any kind of service for at least 21 of those days. So, now it's crunch time.

Eve is sick and if the little coughs Israel had this morning are any indication (of which I'm quite certain), I can expect him to be feeling pretty nasty by Friday. I just hope this will pass without any trips to the doctor or hospital. It's funny, with Eve, I took her in once for an ear infection when she was very young (under 3 months, I think) and otherwise never took her in except for well-child visits (which were much fewer and farther between than normal). But, since having Israel, I feel like we go to the doctor all the time. I know part of that is our more dedicated well-child schedule, and the fancy, spread out vaccine schedule I have Israel on, that has us going in once a month right now, but I've also taken Eve in for illnesses more than ever...all in the last 6 months.

Israel is *so* ready to crawl. He is up on all fours and rocking his little heart out. He's desperate to move, and can kind of throw and roll himself around. As soon as he figures out how to move his hands, he will be shooting around the house like a rocket, I think. We're also working on sitting, which he doesn't like nearly as well, since it's, you know, stationary. But, he can do it with a little support for long periods, and with no support for a few seconds.

Tom is recovering slowly. Too slowly for both of us. But, I think we had unreasonable expectations, so there you go. He tried for the first time walking without crutches last night, because using one crutch (which he started on Monday) is hurting his back. He says it's very painful, and I'm sure that's true, but I think he would rather that than his back hurt.

I hesitate to post this. I think I liked blogging better when no one knew I did it. Maybe I need to quit blogging and start journaling privately instead, because this is the kind of thing I'm not sure I want to share. But here goes. I'm going through some interesting struggles. I think my own resources finally ran out. 6 months of pouring out and not really be poured into have taken their toll. The result is a great deal of unfocused angst and confusion. I feel lost...or at least blind. I do think some time to craft might help me decompress, but that's not something I can do right now. I was hoping more time reading the bible, being in study with others and on my own, listening to the sermons I've missed basically for all of 2008, and praying more would make things better. Either it's all still not enough, or it simply isn't going to do what I want it to do, because I still feel blind and confused and vaguely disappointed. I feel like the God I thought I knew is not at all what I thought, I feel betrayed by my own understanding, like I've taken a dozen steps back from where I once was, and I'm full of apprehension about what is beyond my very limited range of sight. I want to be fixed, but I don't really know what to do to make that happen, or what not to do, or what. Generally speaking, I'm too lazy to persist in a negative state of mind for long, so I'm surprised that I've managed to maintain this discontent for weeks, despite desiring and expending effort to be content, to be joyful, to be renewed. I'm frustrated.

I hope Tom, Israel, and I can stay healthy enough to be able to go out on Valentines day tomorrow with Tom's brother and sister-in-law, I think I could use it. I guess I should really be hoping Eve is healthy enough to go to the babysitting "event" at church. Darn.